My mind is broken

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I didn't live my childhood or my teen years, I was just there. I was breathing oxygen but I wasn't truly alive. I literally have little to none happy memories from school, no hanging with friends or girlfriends. It just memories of being bullied and alone. The worse part is I didn't even realize this until I was 18 and look back on it thinking how can I be so blind when it's right there in my face? These thoughts are starting to break me, I thought about it before but it's having the most impact right now.

Omg why did no one reply to you?
I had a miserable childhood too. I had friends but I didnt like them. There wasnt much variety back then. Sometimes I think back to the toxic friends that I had. I didnt have fun with them. I probably would have been better off alone. I was bullied. The other girls were quite cruel. It ruined my high school years. Then once I got out of school I had mental problems. I finally comitted myself to a mental hospital. They helped sort out my life.

I might always think there is something missing though. Its like those mean girls took something from me. The pain never fully goes away. My youth was waisted on worry. But its what comes next that matters. What are you going to do now to make things better. There are options. You can make good choices.

You are right, I need to make my life better. I feel like music is my option because I always wanted to be involved in it since elementary school and I am making a little bit of music right now but I need to go full in with it.

I was subjected to intense bullying both mental and physical during three years of Junior High. After that, the bullying subsided. But it did have a dramatic impact on my life. But after that I picked up the pieces and applied it to my education. I became like a rocket. And my whole life opened before me. I experience the world and all its wonders.

I can relate and I also came to this realisation very recently when my therapist pointed out that for most of my life I was only surviving, not really living. It's such a depressing realisation to come to, but being aware of it is an important first step towards learning how to live and enjoy life.

I'm happy that you realized it is the first step, good luck!