I don't think I even know what I want anymore

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I was gonna put this in love and dating, but it's more of a moan and I'm not sure if anyone would relate.

I've been on my own so long I'm not even sure why I want a partner anymore. It seems like a nice idea, but all I've ever been is messed around and it just doesn't seem like a good idea anymore. But deep down I don't really want to give up.

The last guy I went out with wasn't at all romantic and I was ok with that because I really enjoyed being around him. He was sweet in other ways. He said that he realised he didn't have romantic feelings for me and it was just friendship.

So do I just want a male friend? Is that enough? I was happy.

He wanted to stay friends (He said. Not sure if he was just saying that or not). But I felt so humiliated that I couldn't even look at him. I believed someone cared about me and he didn't. As if someone would. No one ever has.

Maybe I should get back in touch. I don't know. I think I do have feelings for him even though I'm not a romantic person. I think it's more than friendship on my side, even though I simply enjoyed our thing that was apparently just friendship.

What even is "romantic"? Was i just settling for something i thought was "good enough" but he wasnt willing to?

If there's meant to be more, then I don't know what it is. I was happy with just whatever it was we had, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't really care about me.

I'm confused. I don't feel like anyone will really care about me.

I don't even feel like looking for anyone anymore. What's the point? When what I want isn't enough for anyone else apparently.

I helped my sibling move house last week and I was the only non-couple person there helping out. These are folks with good partnerships. It made me feel lonely.

He wouldn't have helped out with the house move if we were still friends. He doesn't want to be tangled up in my life like a partner and be involved in my family. I felt sad. I was with people who wanted to be together. I'm not just assuming that, so don't be all like, "you don't really know that!" These are genuine people ive known a long time.

I do want more than a friend I guess.

Someone else didn't want to take me along to a party because he didn't want people to think we were "a thing". Then he said he'd invite me along to something else at a later date instead, and didn't. That's not a real friend either.

So do I want a friend who will always be ok being around me, within reason, or do I want a partner? I want someone who cares about me enough to be Seen with me at least. Someone who doesnt freak out if we're becoming "too close".

I'm still going on holiday on my own. I've booked a B&B.

I can't sleep tonight.

I can only try to relate as in, when you keep not getting what you want in life, or things keep going wrong, it can feel as if you're losing your own identity.

Hmmm, interesting idea. Like you start off one way and you keep having to adapt and end up being someone you didn't expect to become.

Yes, I can see that has happened in my life.

I know how you feel. That empty place longing to be filled only feels magnified when around others that have that joy in their life. It sounds like you want more than what just a friend can provide, you want the nurturing love only a loving partner can provide that fulfills your desires as well. You want someone that you can share your life with and enjoy what life has to offer by sharing that experience with another. I refuse to believe someone doesn't exist for you hurtloam. Surely they exist, though the process of finding them is a painful journey. Life can be awfully lonely, it gets me down too.

I understand why some people with ASD want to stay single
although it is nice to have some company some times and nice to have sex regularly.

However if you are the intense type of Asperger who also has a very low tolerance for stress.
Being single isn't the worst thing that could happen.

I need a lot of time to spend on my obsessions, as well as in isolation to de-stress and think.
If i could fit in a girl friend a few times a week to come over, then that may be nice.
But although i am romantic, and like female company, because i am a musician / producer
i kind of need all the time i can get developing my interests. So don't really have that much time
to spend doing the normal partner things.

I also absolutely refuse to give up my intense interests for anyone else.
I did do that once, even though i had just finished Uni with a degree in sound engineering, and was ready to start up a studio and make money.

And my ex forced me to give up music, martial arts, hanging out with my normal friends and family, doing normal things such as going to the pub or night club to party, or even watching normal films, playing computer games and swearing. All to join a totalitarian religion that my ex- pretended to belong to, while she secretly was practising black occultism covertly.

Nonetheless, it was the worst time of my life and it made me absolutely miserable, and i truly believe she intentionally did all she could to make me as miserable as possible with the ultimate intention of trying to get me to top my self.

But alas, i finally got rid of her and escaped her nastiness (apart from her stalking, cyberstalking, slander, and other general and illegal sabotage .. which due to living in a small island made it easy)...

So, that is my recommendation to everyone. Only make minor adjustments to you.
If the person does not respect that you have interests. ask them to go. Is my advice.
As personal interests for asperger's are a major focus and source of pleasure. Often more of a source of pleasure
than even partners, hedonistic partying and lots of meaningless sex. (which to be honest, with the same person frequently can get boring)...

not to say there aren't relationships out there that wont work but i would say that i have to be very careful about what
i get myself in, as like everything else, relationships are extremely intense as everything else in life.

Circumstances beyond my control meant I would never have a life partner,
And I am totally fine with that.

Think of all the compromises couples have to endure.
I prefer my freedom.

What I do like it the concept of "Platonic relationships",
But they are as rare as hen's teeth, unfortunately.

Most people, particularly the young, are super-focused on a romantic relationship instead.
Totally understandable, given our evolution driven bio-psychological makeup.
Our motivations are overwhelmingly due to our instinctual needs, after all.

Meh, what can you do, eh?

Hurtloam - I can relate to how you feel. The best advice I can give you is to seek your own source of happiness, whatever it may be. Mine is being in deep thought on my special topics. It makes life tolerable for me.

I've now realised something.

It was a good enough beginning for me. I thought that we had a good basis to build something more. That doesn't mean I'm content with a friendship, it means that I thought our friendship was good enough to develop into something more.

He didn't. He though he did... for some reason... But then he changed his mind and won't tell me why. Which hurts a lot.

He made these decisions on his own. I never pressured him at all. It wasn't like I was putting too much pressure on him to become someone else. I'm really easy going. I didn't even ask for anything.

He asked me out on a date out of the blue. I didn't expecting. Then he dropped me like a hot potato out of the blue and I didn't expect that either. It's really confusing.

But I don't know how I feel about that. I've lost my friend for no good reason and I don't know why.

The only thing I can offer is, "expectations-are a killer."

I think only you can decide if your life was better with, or without your platonic friend? It sounds like he was a nice guy, he just had different ideas about your relationship. Then, it becomes about whether or not you can handle the relationship going no further?

It's easy for me to say this, I'm married now. But, once I wasn't. And I can honestly say that I probably lost more than a few good friends because I wanted what I wanted and they could only give what they gave. A friend That I enjoyed spending time with was better than nothing, but so often I gave them their walking papers because they didn't fulfill my expectations. It was unfair, but I just tell myself that at that particular time in my life I was doing the very best I knew how.

I feel like I'll be rejected as a friend as well if I start trying to rebuild things. He's the one who started to ignore me. Blank me. Not the other way around. His words were, "Can we still be friends", his actions were not.

I don't want to get hurt again.

I'm not even sure how to rebuild things. We became friends because he was the one who kept contacting me. Now there is silence. He totally changed the way he treated me.

Ultimately you can't force a relationship.
Is there anything you guys enjoy doing together any longer?

I'd love to get married someday, but when the probability of my being able to achieve that end through my own efforts is so small, and the end so fraught with difficulties and woes of its own alongside its consolations, I think from a game theory point of view, the best thing to do is not to bother. And who knows, maybe somebody will come along quite by chance, and I'll be pleasantly surprised.

My favourite Pepe post.

Not if he's rejected me as a friend then he won't want to do anything with me. Yes in theory we could still be friends, but he was so cold towards me trying to get me to see that he'd gone off me.

You don't understand. I didn't try and force a relationship, he perused me. He perused me and then dropped me.

No one ever likes me and someone did. Someone actually did. But then got cold feet and threw me away like trash. And I don't understand why.

And no one cares. No one understands. I'm so lonely. And I can't stop crying.

<raised eyebrow>
I was under the impression you disliked what I wrote.
I didn't realise you followed my posts.

Cheers, Bubbala.

We here care but I know that isn't enough.
I was in a similar position when I was around 27 and my 5 year relationship broke up.
An older family friend tried to console me but it wasn't "the same".
For me, it was the end of the world stuff but I eventually got over it.

I'm pretty sure I do understand to a large degree, but there isn't much I can do about it.
It is really up to you to work things out emotionally.
We are just here to help you talk it out if you want and give some emotional support wherever we can.

Thanks Pepe.