Dropping out of university or not?

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Hi, im an asocial person who has social anxiety and depression. I started going to university 3 weeks ago. But i couldnt make any friends. And sometimes i didnt go to lectures. Now probably i will drop out because im Feeling lonely and dumb. What should i do, im afraid if my social anxiety or depression worsens.

Go to your lectures.

You can’t be social during lectures, anyway.

Gain knowledge. Get good grades. Get your degree.

You don’t require good social skills to get your degree.

Strongly agree. At least it gets you out of your room and gives you something to think about, rather than sitting on your bed feeling sorry for yourself (I seem to recall spending a lot of time doing that at university...)

Slightly disagree, if I may, good Sir. I think the only way I ever made any friends or acquaintances at all was with the people who sat next to me in lectures or stood next to me in the breakfast queue. Even NTs often sit in the same place every time and go down to breakfast (if at all) at the same kind of time. It'll take longer than 3 weeks, mark you, but sooner or later some kind of conversation will happen, because you can't be next to the same person every morning, or every Tuesday, or whatever, without eventually acknowledging one another and beginning to exchange words. This is among the reasons why going to lectures is a good idea.

I very vividly remember the lonely and dumb feeling. And the social anxiety and depression. However, this is a bit like the F.D.R. gag about The only thing we have to fear is fear itself (a line borrowed in more recent times by Professor Lupin at Hogwarts, if I recall correctly). Worrying about your anxiety and your depression, a kind of meta-anxiety and meta-depression, leads to more anxiety and more depression: a lethally vicious circle, which nearly ended my life on more than one occasion.

Three weeks is way way way too soon to think about giving up. I always waited at least a whole term! Gave up more than once, but got a degree and a teaching certificate eventually.

What should you do? This is easier said than done, but just put one foot in front of the other. Wash every morning, put clean clothes on, go to the lectures etc. I venture to suggest giving up will not fix the anxiety and depression: you'll still have those same issues after giving up, plus the extra guilt and self-loathing of having dropped out (feelings I also remember vividly, from the times I gave up). If you're going to be depressed anyway at this period of your life, you really may as well be depressed and doing something, rather than depressed and doing nothing, surely?

And if you feel as though you can or would wish to, get some help! Surely help is available? Lots of people suffer depression and anxiety at university. It's in the university's interests to help such sufferers, and thus keep the drop-out rate as low as possible...

Find advocates, find buddies, find mentors or tutors. If necessary drop out.

I was very fortunate my University was flexible (without either of us understanding why - undiagnosed) and -after I dropped out once and returned- I was able to get through by the hair on my chinny, chin chin. If I could go back in time, I would explain my EF and sensory difficulties to folks and get help to figure out how to accommodate those to start. I did things intuitively (professor not responsive to my post-lecture question, drop class, take it later with different professor; can't get myself to lectures, find a buddy to accompany or use his notes b/c I'm visual anyway and all that talking is killing me..., etc.)

I read that Aspies tend to internalize and it's harder for some reason to ask for help (the "dumb" feeling you mention maybe?) In some ways we are dumb, own it! I am brilliant (in some ways) and you should have seen me yesterday trying to fill out two forms. Thankfully I found two kind people to walk me through each --- had to call back for one. (I love forms when I have information, time and focus.)

Oh, so much easier said than done! In the end, they kind of found me rather than the other way round; but it took months, not weeks...

Passionately agree! Only wish I'd had the diagnosis 20 or 25 years sooner, so I could have started doing that exact thing when I was a young man.

The OP is not in a country where it’s easy for people to get back to university after dropping out.

It’s harder for people to even get into university in his country.

It’s not the US.

Nor am I! Are there countries where it is, then?

But this does emphasize the seriousness of a step such as dropping out. It's more likely you'd regret it than not.

It’s much easier to get back after dropping out in the US than most places.

Oh. Well, I've learned one thing to-day, then! And I've taken the rubbish out and fetched some coal from the coalhouse. May even actually manage to have a bath and get dressed, at this heady rate...

However, it really does sound as if dropping out in this instance is a step to be avoided, or at any rate postponed until absolutely any and every alternative to dropping out has been identified and tried.

And at the risk of repeating myself, three weeks is just way too soon to even think of it (although I respect the anxiety & depression that would tend to suggest the idea; not a day of university went by without my wondering if I should just give up & go home).

Social anxiety and depression are always getting better, the same, or worse

There are only three options

College is, to me, grossly overrated

All things equal, it is better to go to college than not to go to college

(Fine)

But not all things are equal

And it is not that much better

Everyone has a different situation


In some situations, it is a good thing to drop out of college

In some situations it is a bad thing to drop out of college

Please do what is justified, for you

Which reminds me: One of my best contracting jobs I tried to quit three days in. I was given a task which was unbearable for me (something an NT wouldn't have even noticed, but for some reason I was super agitated by it). I called my agency and said I was quitting (first time I had ever made that request) and the agency begged me to stay. May even have given me a raise. I did and what do you know, I got through that task and into some other things and it ended up being my longest and best contract assignment. So maybe there are some initial start-school things to get through (and routine to be established) or maybe you could lower your standards a bit (for them, for you) and it will be bearable and one would hope eventually enjoyable more days than not (although that was not my experience then, but it is now).

rem acu tetigisti, Sharon B!

And it is unrealistic, not to say unduly pessimistic, to suppose that if a university student with A.S.D. hasn't managed to find his feet within three weeks, he ought to give up & leave.

It took me more like two years, not counting mental breakdowns, suicide attempts, hospitalizations etc. But that was largely because the useless freakin' mental health professionals hadn't diagnosed my Asperger's. Had my doctor and my family and I only known I had Asperger's, altho' coping would still have been a challenge, at least we all would have known what the underlying problem was, and we could have adjusted our sights accordingly.

Nobody here is going to say that university will be a walk in the park for someone with A.S.D., but I think many of us will say you can do it, tho' it will require an extra dollop of perseverance.

I do take Mr Kraftiekortie's point very seriously: if it is so difficult to get into university in your country, and also far from easy to return if you've dropped out, then really, make up your mind to plod and/or stagger through your first year at the very least, before reviewing whether or not to continue.

Keep going to lectures. Take notes. or Tape record.

You only have to do one day, or even one lecture at a time.

Many times when I try something new I am pole-axed at how hard it is for me and then mysteriously it does get better.

Three weeks is far too soon to drop out. It took me a hell of a lot longer than that to figure out what was going on.

Give it at least four years.

I looked that up. I once enjoyed needlework, thank you.



WARNING Trigger self-harm. Raphael, you and I were probably in college around the same time: Undiagnosed. Since you put it out there, I don't want you to be lonely: Although my outward manifestations were of a lesser severity than yours (only one near-attempt), I was there (and have scars to show for it). It would have been so nice to know I was simply "over" Everything and not bad and wrong - and to get help, assertively. I am so glad to be well past the worst of those times. Glad you survived!!

Last edited by SharonB on 11 Oct 2019, 5:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.