all my thoughts are so fractured right now that i know a lot of this will be rambling and repeating myself, so i'm sorry. real life crashed through the safety barrier i keep around myself and i just don't know how to cope with it all. i'm weak/fragile/sensitive/whatever. my roommate in college banned me from watching the news because i would become so depressed about everything that's happening in the world. i try to keep to my own little bubble world and block a lot out because i don't cope well with...anything? i guess? i am happy in my bubble. i need my d*** bubble.
and i'm sorry because i'm rambling and ranting and upset and i have no right to be because i'm very lucky and my life is pretty good. i have a home, a job, a great kid and an amazing husband who is always there to meet me where i am, even if that's sitting in a small space in the dark, crying because i'm having a bit of a breakdown..... but i need to know how to deal with the reality of the world when you can't keep it out. how do i mentally cope with people? they are so disingenuous and selfish and hateful. and i know, i know that it's not everyone. but i keep trusting people and their smiles and their friendship, then they do something or say something behind my back (or someone else's) that reminds me how stupid i am to have deluded myself into thinking the world is a good place and that people can be trusted. it hurts and it makes me want to never leave my house or interact with other humans ever again. because the world is not a good place. it's raw and ugly and there's just so much pain and suffering and mine is so ridiculous and minor compared to the vast majority.
last night i found out that one of my new coworkers who seemed mostly ok, but maybe a bit skeevy (as he gloms onto our two college-aged coworkers), is registered sex offender. looked it up. conviction is not for anything even approaching minor. spent all day trying to wrap my brain around the fact that i work with a convicted rapist. doesn't even seem like reality to me. walked in to start my shift. he was already gone. hoped to talk about it with a co-worker whom i thought of as a friend and who describes me as an older sister. she told me that unless i had the court documents i couldn't possibly know what had happened and that even if it was something horrible, it was a decade ago, he served his time and i needed to "get over my girly feelings". that one really blindsided me. i reminded her that i am a victim of sexual abuse, and that no matter how far in the past it was, at no point would i be "getting over it" and be ok working with the individual who abused me. yet another coworker (who hates me) came back talking about how some of our customers are also on the offender list, and was i going to refuse to serve them? was i just never going to go to a store or leave my house again? then a whole argument about it starts up between a number of employees, i'm in tears, end up going out back, full-on panic attack with the ugly crying and hyperventilating. called in someone to cover my shift, called my boss and said i couldn't work tonight because i could. not. stop. f'*ng. crying.
and all the things that i try so hard to ignore, forced their way in. and i just, shut down...because i don't know what else to do. there is so much wrong not just in my little neighborhood, but everywhere. there are so many problems and causes to fight for and it's overwhelming. i try to do the right things, donate and help out, help others without getting pulled too far in and drowning. a therapist told me that i have a lot of sadness and that i need to get it out. but that's madness. that's why i have a barrier in the first place. because once i start letting it out, the floodgates open up and i can't stop. i have been crying on and off for the better part of 10 hours. i don't know how to handle it and i don't know how to stop, other than distracting myself as much as possible until i can start to forget and ignore it all again. because none of it makes sense to me. people don't make sense to me. they never have.
i have black and white. right and wrong. i don't have a grey area. i cannot reconcile the fact that the sweet elderly couple that comes in once a week and holds hands and is so freaking adorable that people buy their meals is also a racist couple, the husband making comments about how my coworkers butt looks great in her jeans. my brain says that these are not good people and i don't get how they can be so sweet and dote on babies at the neighboring table. does not compute.
but i have to find some way to traverse the real world. i can't just wake up every morning only to face how raw and ugly the world is. i can't function with that on my mind and i have to function. i have to work. i have to go out into the world and run errands. participate in school meetings and events. how do i deal with this every day without getting my heart broken by what's out there? how do i keep from having these meltdowns? i don't think i'll ever be the type of person who can just get over my feelings, so what do i do?
is there anyone who experiences something like this? how do you handle it? is there a mindset you have that helps? a different way to think about things? a coping mechanism? how do you interact with the outside world without falling apart? without it causing so much sadness and depression?
if you made it all the way through this, thank you so much for your time. i really am sorry for...i don't know, somewhat incoherently emotionally vomiting all over the place? i truly am grateful for any and all advice.
thanks
14 Oct 2019, 1:01 am
