Adult Meltdown (minor, but yucky)

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I'm late 40s and just had a crying jag b/c my expectations weren't set. I was unprepared to care for my (own) kids for four hours. I'm embarrassed that without my expectations set or a "plan" that I lost all my spoons. And now I'm thinking "no wonder" I'm being discriminated at work , I'm a hot mess.

I'd rather think ---- ah, this is how it is for me and I got a "miss" on this one. Forgive myself, move forward. In the future... what? What would I do in the future? I know about spoons and emotional banks, but I was blindsided anyhow. And for work... ugh. I am not "normal" and am being pushed out by this current work culture. How to embrace my strengths (which I can't well define) and not be horrified by weaknesses (which seem all so apparent). I guess I have more reading and practicing to do.

Much more interestingly, which provides me relief:
* Typically when I take the RDOS quiz I get 112 Aspie and 100 NT.
* Just now after a meltdown, I got 132 Aspie and 90 NT.

That's a moody test.

I'd much rather discuss test score fluctuations than smooth over my inadequacies. Where is the crying-my-eyes out emoticon. Oh there it is. I didn't recognize it, had to read the pop ups. That just looks a little sad but it says "very sad", where's the face turned upwards, eyes closed, mouth wide open (waaaaa!) crying?

I have been dealing with my fluctuating abilities since primary school.
I am aware of my strengths but they are inaccessible when I waste all my spoons on e.g. surviving in a noisy, crowdy place.
Take care of yourself, it may be early signs of a burnout. Rest and do whatever makes you feel comfortable!

That.

I am like a sponge for my **increasingly** toxic work culture. My NT coworkers are frustrated and annoyed; I find it unbearable. I love to extend myself and do a lot, but *adding* looking for a job to handling a toxic workplace while caring for young children is … A LOT of spoons. I'll consider what will replenish my spoons. It doesn't seem like I can (learned helplessness in this regards, or lack of tools and thought?), but I must.

Thanks for the response and heads up.

That's really a lot, it would be a lot even if you weren't autistic.
Can you count on any support from your family?

That raises a really good point: Asking for help. Duh.

I'm not sure how many ASD folks have EF challenges, but put me on that list.

Here's my conundrum:
Option A
(1) Scream and Yell

Option B
(1) Figure out what help I need
(2) Figure out when I need it
(3) Figure out who can help
(4) Figure out how to contact that person
(5) …

Hmmm. Option B would probably have the best long-term results, but the upfront investment is daunting. But that's a really good point. This isn't big enough to fly my mom out to help care for the kids, but it's enough to recruit babysitters or arrange a strategic playdate at someone else's house.

Thanks again for the input!

We experience significantly more stress than an NT in general. When we are under stress, many of the Aspie traits that are buried deep inside us come to the surface. That is why your Aspie scores increased during a meltdown.

Stress energy if it is not consumed will build over time. It is cumulative in nature. It can be stored in our core brain which is generally in our spinal cord, in our middle brain affecting our limbs (arms, legs, neck) and in our social brain. So how do you vent stress? You already alluded to one method. Stress in our neck can be vented by screaming.

The neck is a fifth limb. Many animals have two arms and two legs and one other extremity, their neck. They use their neck, vocal cord, jaw and teeth both offensively and defensively. Lions roar, bears growl, dogs bark and wolves snarl. The sound produces fears that can immobilize their prey. Herd animals will use vocalization to alert the herd of the predator’s presence. Many times it is the jaws of a predator that will rip their prey apart.

When an infant is in distress, the child will cry and scream. Individuals have been taught to constrain and control this action because this behavior is very disruptive. About the time a child sets off to school he begins to be ridiculed for crying – they are called “crybabies”. But by inhibiting this natural reaction, the stress energy is not vented but rather stored. And this stored energy needs to be vented and released in order to avoid distress. So the main question is “How does one scream in a socially acceptable manner as an adolescent or adult?

Never scream at a person. I live in the rural countryside and my dog is a free-range dog. When it is mealtime and my dog is up and about; I call my dog very loudly.

R-o-c-k-y. Come here puppy. R-o-c-k-y.
R-o-c-k-y. Where are you puppy? R-o-c-k-y.
R-o-c-k-y. Come here puppy.

I yell so loud that I can hear my voice being echoed back to me from nearby hills and mountains. My voice carries about a mile. The call is so strong that it borders on a roar. It is a very good feeling. It gives me a sense of great strength, like I could split a mountain in two just with my voice alone. I feel strong to my core. It is a great stress reliever or normalizer. And it is socially acceptable in the countryside.

One might try howling like a wolf at the moon. There is an individual in New York City that howls at the subway cars as they pass by deep down in the subway stations. But there are other ways to scream in a socially acceptable manner. A singer can do this if it is a very powerful song. A barker in the county fair can do this. A fan at a rock concert can sing along at the top of their lungs. Some commuters sing along to the tune on the radio at the top of their lungs while they are driving down the road. A spectator at a sports event can do this in cheering on their team. Even a Girl Scout can practice barking in front of the local grocery store when she sells Girl Scout cookies. Or find yourself a soundproof room.

I wonder if I could hit RDOS Aspie near 100ish in a calm cool hour … and what a major shutdown or meltdown would result in, if a minor one was 130ish. The latter circumstance to be mitigated of course.

Ha! Yes, stimming more, yelling more - not suppressing as much. That's the joy of the self-diagnosis for me - thinking to embrace (safe) releases rather than being embarrassed by myself. I "stim dance" in the car. The other day I was so worked up I drove BY work and sang as loud as I could until the song ended on the radio. Maybe I could do these more proactively instead of solely reactively.

Your yelling for the dog reminds me of a Peruvian joke I learned about an old lady who named her dogs Skinny and Boney. I usually don't remember jokes, I usually don't tell jokes, but this one stays with me. At the end she YELLS out for her dogs and I do just that in the retelling of the joke. Love that joke. Maybe I should YELL it more often (since it's the only one I know anyhow).

Thanks for the information and tips!