A Giant Leap Forward. (For Me).

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What started off as a prayer... Where I asked God why I was experiencing what I later found out were partial shutdowns and the occasional shutdown... I never ever expected that the trail would lead to autism. I knew nothing about autism...

Now some of you will say it was just a co-incidence that I prayed and the trail lead this direction. But don't forget how many years I have had these issues, and how many times I had gone back and fore to doctors trying to find the cause.

Since learning soo much since joining this site (And with the little "Hunches" I grasped before joining which led me to join to initially ask a single question), I am in a position of not only understanding things myself, but having the ability to explain how I feel to others. I never have been able to explain how I feel to others in ways that they may understand as people just thought I was complaining, or they thought I was being lazy. And I had no answers to them as I did not understand myself what was going on!

This afternoon/evening I called in the store where I last worked. I saw one of the guys there who is a nice gentleman. He is relatively new there (Less then a year I think) but he is an understanding man. He asked if I am going to be working at Christmas. I was saying that unless I improve I can't... But for the first time I was able to explain why and what I have been struggling with in a way that he could understand. And he did understand and he never knew what I had been battling with. I said how in the past I had times when most days I had no issues, but lately, the last few years, and especially recently when I thought I would "Test the waters" and take a temporary part time low hours job this summer just been... That I had so many partial shutdowns that I just can't see that it is possible I can work again, especially as Christmas and bicycle assembly is one of the most stressful jobs by nature which I have ever done. (I have done it foe many years on and off and each year it took soo much out of me... I don't have anything left in me to take out of me anymore!)
But what the BIG leap forward for me is I can now explain things to people who can listen. That man has had people who are autistic that he knows so he did start to understand as I explained to him how I had been struggling. And I explained to him what happens to me while my body starts to shut down and he said that he didn't know how I had been able to struggle through. I never expected this. I realized that I had been able to communicate my feelings to him. It is something that for a great many years I have not been able to do! I feel so relieved that I am now able to do this. So for me it is a giant leap forward.

When I left the job this summer I was in such a fragile state that I knew I needed help. And this was when I found the autism people in my area had a once monthly open day I plucked up the courage to go.

I don't think I can do Christmas this year. I feel I need a long term rest from life to totally recharge. I feel that on good days at the moment I am 20% recharged and on bad days I am on 5% or lower (If I compare myself to my tablet which shuts off if it drops between 5% and gives warnings if it goes less then15%)... I need to recharge to 100% for a while and retain my emotional state up there for a while so I can be mentally able to function and go foe a while before I shut down. I feel if I could have a complete holiday from life that it would take a couple of years to reach 100% charge.

Now I feel that if I am able to recharge like that I have a good chance to be able to get back to my normal self where I can be raring to go again!


But anyway. I thought I would share why I am relieved. Why that I feel I am getting little miracles of breakthrough... It is like climbing little steps in life! The ability to communicate how I feel. To communicate what I am struggling with. To put into words how I have been... This to me has been a series of little steps forward were in the past all I could do was sit on the bottom step unable to move. At least now I'm climbing!


So I hope this makes sense to someone who is battling in the same way. I hope that you too can start to understand yourself. Where you are strughling and why. And I hope that you are able to then communicate your feelings and strughles in ways that make sense to those who are willing and able to listen. And I hope that God provides you with those people you can talk to.

Because, one of the largest hurdles I have ever faced in my whole life was cleared when I went and spoke to the tallented people at my local autistic organization. (The one who supports and arranges for asessment etc). When I realized that they had the patience and time to listen to me, and when I started to speak... They actually understand! I was soo relieved! Oh gosh! Oh Wow! I was then able to unload for the first time ever in my whole life which I have never done in that way before. So be encouraged. There is HOPE!

Be encouraged. Ask questions in here to try to find out how you feel. Keep questioning until you find answers. And then, when you are able to explain, speak!

Thank you all for your patience in reading this post and thread. I hope that by sharing my thoughts and feelings that someone else may also be set free from the coiled up emotional claustrophobic inability to communicate to those who can help and support... So you too can start to climb some steps!

I appreciated reading this - glad things are making more sense to you, and that you're able to explain it to others, in a way that makes sense (a skill I haven't seemed to learn!)

I also enjoyed the post, and I'm happy for you MG. I wish I had half the confidence you do.

I tend to be like a duckling which is left behind with a step to jump over, and I am scared, but then I decide at the last moment to take a leap anyway!

Thanks Ashariel and Isabella for the kind replies.

This makes for happy reading ...

You guys actually read all the way through without thinking "Oh no... Not another long Mountain Goat thread! I'm impressed. Haha.

Haha - are you as hopeless with Twitter as I am? There is zero chance of me expressing my thoughts and feelings in under 200 characters

Good job! Congrats!

That's wonderful, MG! So happy for your new found freedom in successfully expressing how you feel. It's so important.

It takes a little while to explain as I don't do direct explaining. And it takes an understanding from the other person as well, so I don't think I can explain to most people. But I was glad I was able to explain to someone why I was struggling there working just four hours every other day, and why I was not doing much overtime. It was taking me so long to recover that I was not getting the recovery time I needed, so I was getting in a worse and worse state. Hence why 5 or 6 weeks of part time work which I was doing is now too much.
Being able to explain to someone makes a huge difference as the ones where I was working don't think I am trying to be awkward, and I want them to find the right people to work there for the Christmas period, as last Christmas... Well. I took me a few months to recover from it. If I tell people that without explaining things they think I'm joking! (I do have a wierd sense of humour I mask behind where I say amusing things but I have a blank expression to give a normal look... Someone said it is a dry sense of humour? No idea) But when I have mentioned things in the past people have not understood.
Many different jobs I have been where I have needed to take a break due to a partial shutdown.. (Which I can do if I am on my own so taking jobs where I am the one who decides when I have a break has always been better for me (Though I am not actually having a break while shutting down so when I need a food break, I usually work and eat at the same time so I can get the work done and not seen as lazy or slow with my daily work output... I often don't stop for lunch at all when I have had a series of shutdowns which make things worse!). I get hammered worse when I am working with people and I then start to shut down as...
1. I need to withdraw and lie down or sit down at the very least so I can recover...
2. I don't need people trying to get me to carry on working or asking me what is wrong. If I say "I am going to need a break" I mean it as if I don't I have to delay the shutdown and I end up being in a real mess! If I smoked and said I needed a break they would let me as they understand the smokers needing a quick break.
Now the main problem for me the last two or three times I have taken on this work is that it is not just an occasional partial shutdown like I used to get, but it is a long string of partial shutdowns and shutdowns throughout the time I'm there, so I can't continue struggling through as I get to be in quite a state.
Yesterday, while I was telling the staff member about what I was experiencing, I was actually on the fringes of a partial shutdown before I left so once I knew he understood I said my goodbyes and I had to go. He had another customer to deal with so it was fine.
Once I was out the building and went to the car the partial shutdown subsided. It was the anxiety starting off which then sends me into partial shutdowns I believe is going on.
Anyway. Thanks for taking time to read what I write. I know I write a lot. Sometimes I write and write and write, delete the whole lot and then answer yes or no! Haha. But maybe I have to write and write lots to explore my thoughts to come to the simple conclusion in the first place.

Great to hear this news, MountainGoat!

Yes. I am not going to tell everyone I know. There is a neighhbour that I am a bit reluctant to say anything as she will tell everyone! If we need something broadcast she is very efficient! Haha. And we had a nice lady who called in today, and she is in touch with my neighbour, so I don't tell her.
I am telling the few closer people I know but leaving it like that, as I have not been assessed yet so I may end up with something entirely different! Haha!

I only want to tell a few people so they can understand me more if they need to. It is so much easier to do this then in the past where I would not have an explanation for my unusual behaviour.

Mountain Goat, you remind me of a guy who was in the "Seven-Up" film series named Neil. Not totally----but somewhat. He's not as mechanically-inclined as you are, for example.

Research Neil, of the "Seven-Up" film series, and see if you identify with him. I could be wrong, of course. But when I think of you, I think of Neil at the same time.

He had some troubles earlier in his life----but he became somewhat successful politically later on in life.