A Mother's Hate

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It's really, really difficult to talk about this sort of thing, because nobody has any idea how to listen, and they come out with patronising things such as, "Oh, she loves you really".

How do you cope with a mother's hate? Bearing in mind mine happened much later in my life. I'm OK with her distancing now, but for ages it felt like a huge part of me was ripped away. As in half of me. It was possibly the most heartbreaking thing I've ever been through.

I never thought it would happen to me, it seemed impossible. She used to be the complete opposite: Very defensive for me, stood up for me (too much), would call voluntary work places of mine and tell them every single inappropriate detail about me and my autism. I couldn't stand her for interfering. She genuinely loved me though, I could always see it in her. Still, since my teens, she gaslit me.

Then one day, a few years ago, she distanced herself from me about 99% of the time. Instead of calling me, she was impossible to get through to. She almost completely ignored me. She backstabbed me to others, saying things like, "Oh, no guesses who that is" and basically made people like my nan angry against me. My nan gives me a proper evil stare these days. She never used to do that. My mother never used to give me such a hateful, impatient look. They both used to take me (much more) seriously.

A few years ago her partner started fancying me. I could tell it in his body language, it was very obvious. They've been together, and he raised me like a daughter since I was 14. He touched himself sexually inappropriately in front of me AND in front of my mother (a few years ago). My mother looked very angry.

Even now he acts like he fancies me. I would put more details here, but I can't.

Again, it's been really hard to come out with this. I wish someone understood what it was like.

And before anyone asks it - of course I've talked to her. I'm a problem solver and that's what I try to do. Anyone who doesn't assume that about me has no f*cking idea who I am and what I'm about. I'm mainly applying that frustration to people I knew IRL, not the people here.

How do you feel about conditional love? I'm not a fan of it being used to control people. What does she want you to do?

How to cope with a mother's hate and retain your integrity? Explore what boundaries will work for you, to keep you well, and put the best ones into practice with her.

If your mother's partner is sexually attracted to you, then she will hate you forever (barring therapy etc.) I don't if it's a conscious thing but I've seen it before. It's tragic but she can't see her own insane jealousy. Maybe therapy might help you live with such a situation?

I think people who come from fairly happy, supportive families have a hard time understanding that there are parents who definitely don't like their children. I know where you're coming from.



And your mom didn't do anything? She should've been protecting you.

Sorry your mom's so damn self-centered. I can definitely relate to the conditional love, silent treatment, parent preferring their partner to you, etc. Unfortunately, what you're saying is very real She may be sincere when saying she love you, but it sounds like she doesn't really know how to love or what love is.

I don't have any useful advice, I just wanted to let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. The mother daughter relationship can be toxic.

Mine has caused me more hurt than everyone else in my life put together and she's not even evil, she's just selfish and dishonest. And yes she gets everyone else involved too so you're always the bad guy and she's the victim.

I deal with it better since I accepted that's the way she is, selfish, and that she covers it up by being dishonest even with herself. I can accept that and that it's nothing to do with me.

Try to pick out what your mum's problems are, sounds like jealousy and maybe possessiveness (first you and now the partner). Then you can see that those are HER issues and she probably had them long before you were born.

It's up to you whether you still try to have any sort of a relationship with her but it can really help when instead of seeing her behavour as a reflection of how she feels about you, you just see it as a reflection of her.

I still see my mother as we live in the same small town but I find myself analyzing her like a lab rat and often see the same behavour in how she treats other to how she is with me though she has to be a lot more subtle.

I don't know, because I'm still trying to cope with my father's hate, and he's been dead for over 15 years.

There was something in my mother's attitude... I called it the wall of ice. Even when my mother acted nice and loving towards me, I knew it was there, ready to dehumanize me for some offense I couldn't prevent... Yes, she used conditional love on me.
I didn't cope well. Our relationship was painful and complicated, I didn't trust her and she didn't trust me but we maintained a facade of a loving family and tried to believe it ourselves.
It got better with physical distance and general independence - but sorting ut our relationship took me years, including several therapy attempts.

The way I see it now, my mother had some mental health issues she masked instead of adressing... and I did the same.

Thank you all for your replies. I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to respond. I have taken in your very helpful responses and I'm honoured to receive great advice and have you guys listening to me. Thank you.

Smudge

I just saw this thread and want to contribute because I have a toxic mother who gaslights and guilt trips, as well. I can't put my story into words because it triggers me, but I want you to know you aren't alone. I agree with others who think that your mother might be jealous, even subconsciously, about her partner's behaviour. Regardless of her reasons, her behaviour isn't acceptable. You need to set firm boundaries as Amity said, with the help of a counsellor, or you need to go no contact. It seems like her behaviour won't change on its own and you shouldn't be the recipient of disordered parenting in the meantime. Do you have any allies in the family who can help you, emotionally?

What is wrong with him? Fancying you is one thing that he can't help, but he decided to touch himself sexually in front of you, wtf?
And I don't understand your mother (and all the mothers who turn a blind eye to such things)? I would get angry with a partner if he did something inappropriate in front of my daughter and make her feel uncomfortable but not because of jealousy (why should she feel jealous just because he's such an ape?) but for behaving so disgustingly and without respect for either of you.
Have you spoken to your mother about it after it happened?
Are you not disgusted, scared or angry with him?