Stress and the Usual (TW crazy dark thoughts)

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Okay, okay, it's not as bad as the title might make it sound. I haven't physically harmed myself, and obviously I haven't killed myself either. My fondness for computers does not extend to posting from beyond the grave.

Is it common for Aspies to think about self-harm a lot when pushed? I've been over the last few months riding a wave of success: I wrote my first novel, might be getting it published, maybe have a girl friend, am living in a big and wonderful city, and all that. So I've found myself going into sensory overload a lot more (now it's smell. It used to be light and sound, Brain, why did you do this to me?) It's almost like my autism is trying to get the upper hand.

I don't want to commit suicide, but I keep thinking about attacking myself for whatever reason--I go for walks at night to settle it but my neighborhood is so urbanized there is no place in the woods to which I can go and stop. One must walk as everywhere is someone's yard. There is no quiet place, no park, nothing I can go to that's open late...if I leave it's all bars and I don't care for bars, bar culture, loud music, lights, sounds, or the taste of alcohol. Especially not at its cost!
So I find one place that's nice--it's a culvert over a little creek--and I hide behind the automobile guardrail and sneak a smoke in the last pocket of nature in the neighborhood and it's nice. Or I stand on the six-lane highway bridge watching trains in the railroad yard (I am rediscovering a childhood love for all things on tracks. CSX diesel-electrics are where it's at lately.)

To make a long and rambling story short--is it common for us Aspies to get self-destructive thoughts when we're being pushed or provoked? Is this common? I know "it gets better" because it has and does, but is it a commonplace occurrence? I only want to know.

Any replies may help more than you know. The people I'm rooming with are all saying I need to get counseling but I say I need peace from my roommate who is fortunately leaving soon anyway, which is good. Part of me thinks if I were able to use my own room, to "hide" there and work by day/sleep by night, I would be more able to function.

I don't know about "most aspies," and I'm not even formally diagnosed, but here are a few thoughts:

1. I experience that too, at least sort-of. When I am very stressed, I really want to bang my head against something or hit myself as hard as I can. It's actually one of the things that convinced my therapist I might not be NT after all... I also find scratching my arms soothing. Not enough to bleed, but enough to leave a temporary red mark for several minutes afterward. I think intense physical stimuli that we can control help tune out all the stressful things we can't. Not sure if your experiencing more intense things than that or not? Do be careful and seek help before you need help - that way you have the tools and resources already in place.

2. My therapist has helped. Not least by convincing me to try depression meds. Bupropion is my preferred poison, lol. My depression comes out as anger and physical exhaustion more than weepy-ness or whatever. Meds helped a lot. And learning more about which parts of how I view the world and get through life are atypical, and which of those I can and maybe should work to change. Would recommend, but you may need to shop around to find someone either specialized in aspie adults or open-minded about learning.

3. If financially feasible, get a place you can be alone that works for you. Rent a storage locker even, haha. Or find out about places you can go camping outside the city on weekends. Maybe regular nature retreats would help - sounds like nature is your thing. Mine is more animals than plants. If you absolutely can't get away to the wilds, maybe make a nature sounds playlist and get some noise-canceling headphones. I LOSE MY MIND (not really exaggerating) if I can't get time alone. One other idea - maybe you could volunteer to help little old ladies with yard work or something. I find it very calming to do handyman/gardener work by myself. But maybe ask an NT how to do that without seeming creepy - a man offering to do free yard work might sound suspicious. As a female, I don't run into that issue.

4. Tony Attwood mentioned in at least one of his videos that those with ASD don't really do "minor emotions" - so it is common for us to get extremely, catastrophically sad or angry. I personally think it may be that we don't notice our negative emotions when they are at lower, safer levels and deal with the causes at that point, so by the time we are aware of them it's over the top and we have a hard time pinpointing the reason - because at that point, there were probably multiple things piled on top of each other.

5. What is the book about? Always looking for a new thing to read.

Thank you for the extra input. Replying to your points one by one:

1) Yes, this sounds a lot like what I've got happening except I sometimes (for whatever reason) wish I could kill myself temporarily. I'm not a video gamer but it would be the equivalent of respawning. Also, though I know it's fallacious and wrong, I tend to value myself by my productivity and fulfillment of life. This is wrong. We're human beings, made in the image of God, the most interesting and unique creatures on the third rock from the sun, so that's that. And I'm valuing myself on whether I got time to write five pages or fill out a college application. NT's say "beating oneself up" but we Aspies seem to take it literally.

2.) Medications worry me. I don't get weepy--but I do get a sort of "ride-or-die" determination to get away, and a tendency to run until I'm cornered by well-wishers and whoever and then turn on them...I'm glad it worked for you but the expense and side effects make me reluctant to take any medication. After all, I was undiagnosed until the age of 19 so perhaps I stand a good chance of living the rest of my life long and healthy(-ish) without medications.

3.) This would be lovely if I could do it. Being around other people isn't the worst but it can in some cases contribute to overstimulation. Renting a storage locker and making it into my own autistic tree fort would be the sort of thing I'd rather write about than actually do, but that's a very nice idea! I've got places behind guardrails of a tiny bridge, under the deck, in the back seat of my ancient Toyota car, wherever I can find it-- I do a lot of meditations for an hour each morning--odd, but look up "adoration" among the Catholics and that's how it works. Also, when I get a chance, I'll put on some records on my portable gramophone and try to enjoy Tchaikovsky or Beethoven. When I'm working (this sounds odd) but my old 1920s typewriter tends to create a soundscape of its own and a sort of world that draws me in and blocks out everything else--but now my roommate gets mad if I'm working because of his depressive episodes and his tendency to migraines. Which appears, I suspect, to be a ... recent... development.

4) Tony Atwood I've never heard of; thank you for mentioning him. I've had those moments before--we hide everything. Attwood is wrong in that we DO feel minor emotions but from experience I at least try to hide or stifle them so as not to let them affect me--fast forward three days and I'm thinking about how much I want to die. Maybe it's too easy to bury them in our tendency to just let things go.

5.) It's a romance novel--or more specifically, literary light fiction/romantic comedy. I'm hoping I can get it published. Kraichgauer seems to have no problem getting his horror novelettes out there, which is good--if Aspies can get known for creativity then maybe we will find it easier to work in that field. If it makes it I will let you know...

I hit myself sometimes when I’m frustrated.

I just missed a train that would give me 15 minutes more downtime before work.

I smacked myself on the head.

Let us know when the book comes out!! No time for organized thoughts with numbers, but it sounds like you have a terrible fit for a roommate. I think you mentioned they are leaving soon? Hope so, since it sounds like you are not compatible.

I was very suspicious and leery of meds as well. Still kind of am, but they did help a lot. If you get to the point where your normal things aren't working well enough, maybe worth considering. That's where I got to. But if you don't end up needing them, that's even better!

Could you create a little "nature space" in your home? Maybe curtain off a corner by a window and have potted plants and a comfy chair? It sounds like you have a few options, but none sound great to me. But maybe they work for you.

Totally get meditation as a Christian practice, and the tendency to rate ourselves on performance. I struggle with it partly because my performance as "normal" or not determines how I am treated to a large extent. Hard to disregard something like that, even if I know I have intrinsic value as a loved child of God.

Seems to be fairly common, especially in those with a history of depression.

Under stress, I can still get suicidal thoughts/ideation, even if I have no intention whatsoever of doing it and am not suicidal. Sometimes I also get intrusive thoughts https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrusive_thought

What works best for me is to balance periods of effort with breaks that allow me to recover. I then concentrate on things that usually relax me, like solitude, nature, music, hobbies that kind of stuff. If I can't take a break, just including some of them in my daily routine helps a little.

When I lived in town, or was stuck in town for some reason, I would seek out tiny corners of natural life, like your spot behind the guardrail. That so resonated with me.

My epiphany on my self-destructive thoughts was as follows: these thoughts are actually solutions to whatever problem I am facing. The self-destructive patter in my brain relieves me of responsibility for doing the hard work of actually addressing the problem.

So, now I give myself a swift kick in the butt and either tackle the problem or rest until I have the energy to confront it.

In reverse order:

FletcherArrow: Well, I like to know whether things are common or if I'm stuck experiencing them. You're right about how to find a way to avoid destructive impulses. Look--I've got enough reasons to live, a life chock-full of meaning and richness from the time I open my eyes in the morning--it's just that my brain decides to pull a ridiculous trick of making me miserable when pushed/overstressed/sensory overload.

Blazingstar: The spot behind the guardrail is pretty cool. Up under the porch is nice too and on the bridge watching the railroad shunting yard is nice too even if a vast iron wasteland of locomotives isn't exactly nature. Guess you're right about that with trying to find solutions in these thoughts--Resting is good. Energy is good (and I have always got plenty of that.)

BenderRodriguez: interesting point about the "intrusive thought." I have tried these sorts of things but it's tough to find time when my room is taken over. I was able to use the room today--I wrote an essay to apply to college and played a couple of amazing hot jazz records and the Poet and Peasant Overture on the gramophone, so that wasn't so bad.

PoseyBuster88: Nature spaces are interesting--I like to go out to see nature instead of bringing it inside where I could accidentally mess it up