Dropped by therapy too early... Again.

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[tw???: eating problems, self harm, suicide, gaslighting]

I am going to try to stop posting on the haven so much after this but oh my gosh!! I got told that next Tuesday is my last therapy session and I am not ready to be let go yet. I have been in and out of therapy for about six years now and I think one of the times I was genuinely ready but then a member of my family messed up big time and here I am, still needing therapy.

First of all, I have so many problems and because of the actions of that family member and how they made me start thinking as a child (I believe what they did could be described as gaslighting and it basically taught me to never trust what I think) I can barely unpack all of that baggage, let alone talk about anything else before I am dropped by CAHMS only to inevitably be picked up again after waiting a hellish half a year for referral.

I have problems with eating. I doubt it is a disorder because of the frequency but when I'm stressed I can eat 1k or more calories in one go or just eat until I'm so sick I start crying. Then I have to do my best to exercise it off but at least it doesn't happen that often.

I also had issues with self harm in the past but not in the typically way. In the maybe I'm lying about being mentally ill to myself and I'm not properly mentally ill unless I do this so let me try sort of way. I don't do it anymore thank goodness but that mentality is still thriving with me frequently panicking that I am not worth(???) that label which is ironic because there are some very concerning things I have believed or felt in the past.

I just can't cope without therapy and knowing I am going to be dropped again and have to wait for who knows how long until I am back in the system is honestly terrifying. I am not going to lie and say I'm not better but I also know my mental health is going to plummet like it does every time I'm let go. I am so desperate at this point that I am willing to beg for meds if that can just let me feel better despite bad experiences with side effects in the past with my epilepsy meds (which are also antidepressants which ironically made me depressed). I don't even know how I'm supposed to do that. I'm already getting the rude awakening that in a year and a bit I'm going to be 18 and as someone who strongly suspects they are on the asexual spectrum, this is even more shocking when I realise all the things my peers are up to and makes me realise how immature/ far behind I truly am. I can tell that it's already going to be a hard time and the idea of going through that without support is horrible. My mum is going to set some money aside to try and get me a private therapist to tide me over but I don't know how long I'll have to wait for that. It feels like I only get help fast when I do drastic things.

How an earth am I supposed to cope when in all honesty I often don't want to be hear anymore? It feels like I am about to just break and not be able to function anymore. It's already happened once and I can't afford for it to happen again. Hopefully I don't feel the need to come back to complain again for awhile.

If you want, Google "anorexia nervosa redlated eating disorder" and "depression bipolar support alliance", support group

I don't think the first applies with me but perhaps the second will help

Oh Iv, this should NOT be happening. If you feel this strongly that you need therapy, then so it should remain. I'd be speaking to the powers that be, about continuing with your current therapist. Maybe they just need to be made aware of how you truly feel. CAMHS teams will be feeling the pinch as always, I'm sure with funding etc. It's important to maintain therapy continuity, if you feel as you do. That's good though, if your mum can afford private therapy(If you're in the South of England and need the name of a GOOD therapist, let me know). Please don't stop posting in The Haven as and when you need. That's what it's here for. We care very much. You have alot to deal with, and shouldn't have to do it alone.

Thank you for replying to my things so often . MY mum is going to join in what is supposed to be my final session and try as hard as she can to get me to be able to be transferred before they close my file and I will do my best to make it clear to them that I NEED this. I didn't last time and I then fell into an awful depression and here I am now, dealing with frequent thoughts of I don't want to go on which I haven't told my therapist which was a bit of a dumb move on my part. I truly feel for CAHMS and if I understand how things go correctly, there is a chance I'll be transferred to adult services because of the fact I'm going to be seventeen soon. I think my GP spoke about this when I saw them ages ago. Ironically, a bursary may be what makes it ok for me to be doing private therapy. I think my mum has someone in mind but any other names if that doesn't work out would be very much appreciated.

Also thank you for saying that I just worry that I seem like I'm whining and so try to limit it haha.

Sounds like a good plan, Iv, and I truly hope you continue to receive the therapy and support you need, one way or another. Yes, usually the transition from CAMHS to AMHS begins at around 17.5 yrs, so that by 18, the full transition process should be complete. You certainly have a right to appropriate support. The HSIB(Healthcare Safety Investigation Branch) here in the UK are doing their best to ensure that healthcare systems are improved, and that young people are supported in this transition. They would like to see, “A Long Term plan that includes a comprehensive offer for 0-25 year olds which reaches across mental health services for children, young people and adults. By 2028 we aim to move towards service models across all chronic conditions for young people that offer person- centred and age appropriate care for mental and physical health needs, rather than an arbitrary transition to adult services based on age not need. Our aim is to achieve a safe transition, maintain engagement, improve outcomes and support young people to be fully involved in their own care.

That’s good that your Mum is on the case, and has a therapist already in mind. In the case of private therapy, choosing a therapist is a very personal thing and what works for one person may not for another. I recommend having a look on the BACP or HPCP websites for local therapists. Each therapist has a profile on there. It may be a good idea to try out different therapists to find the right one. Cost is usually between £40-£70 a session.

Glad to see you posting here, whenever you feel the need to. Trust me, you do not come across as a whiner . Mind, if you ever do need a good whine, that’s okay too! x