Advice about parents divorce?

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Hi everyone. Sorry in advance if this is long and boring and doesn’t keep attention, but I desperately need some advice and as I’m sure you guys can understand, advice from professionals is limited atm.

When I was 9 my parents got divorced. They always told us it was a mutual thing and they’d share custody of us and stuff. Well I’m 23 now. I’m the only one who speaks to my dad out of all my siblings. I’m not allowed to even mention him to anyone, and my mum keeps saying how much she doesn’t like my dad.

Late December 2019, I met up with my dad for a meal and chat. And I asked him something that bothered me for a long time. I had a feeling my mum cheated on him. I even asked my mum a few years back if she did, but she denied it. I asked my dad in December, and he said yes.

He told me that she either cheated on him with this random guy I met around that time, or with the man who’s now my stepdad. I believed him straight away because I always had my suspicions, and also because he wouldn’t lie about that. But my heart still sank anyway.

I’ve not spoken to my mum about this. I just don’t feel I can, but I keep getting angry and upset with her. A lot more than I used to. We never really had much in common, but at least I was okay with her. Now I can barely stand being in the same room with her and I live with her. It’s so difficult. Another thing that’s bothering me, is what if she’s cheated before? What if my dad isn’t even my real dad? I mean, I don’t know what to even do. I can’t confront her about it, but I can’t keep going on like this.

Is there any advice anyone can give? I’m desperate! Thank you for reading this far!

Down that path lies madness.  Let it go.

I agree. Let it go.

It’s not worth it.

Yes I agree

Its between them so why not let it drift away? Theres nothing that can be resolved now anyway

What exactly bothers you about this the most? The idea that your father might not actually be related to you? The fact that you think he's being treated unfairly by the rest of the family? The fact that your mom doesn't want to talk about him? Something else?

If it's the first, you could ask your father to take a test.

If the second, there isn't really much you can do about it. You can't demand the rest of your family to interract with him if they don't want to, and trying to force it might ruin your relationship with them, too. Same answer with the third.

It’s nice that your father answered your question and you have a better understanding of what led to their divorce.

But IMO you shouldn’t really concern yourself with the details nor ask your mother about them not expect her to discuss them with you. It was your parents’ relationship, not yours. Their attraction to one another, or others, and their sex lives, and their relationship arrangements or fallings out are all things I would categorize as “none of your business.” IMO your mother doesn’t owe you any explanation for why she did what she allegedly did. This is one of those things you should keep to yourself for your own knowledge and understanding - at least so far as you know it to be assuming your father is both correct and honest - and just leave it be with regards to your mother.

Would you feel you owed either of your parents, your siblings, or anyone else an explanation about a break up with a partner? Or about your attractions to people? Or about your sex life? IMO, no, those things are between you and your partner(s) and aren’t anyone else’ business. So why would your mother owe you any sort of explanation about her relationships and life decisions with regards to who she’s been sleeping with?

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

One thing I noticed with myself and my two grown boys is that we created friction when it was time to move on. Kind of like giving ourselves the kick we needed to take the next step. Maybe a desire for change is manifesting itself in this negative way.

I only shared my knowledge of my divorce with my children after they had become independent adults, and only after they had asked me why it all happened.

That's when I pulled out the P.I. reports, the pictures, the court transcripts, the divorce decree, the bank statements, and other relevant documents.  Then we went over each one, piece by piece, and in chronological order.  Just the facts (like the fact that she divorced me to marry her wealthy boyfriend, and that her efforts to "demonize" me to them were both baseless and malicious).

They said a lot of things like "Uh-huh", "I thought so", and "So that's why!"  They also told me that if they had known more at the time about what their mother had been up to, they would have called her out on it more often.

As it stands, my children have been on "difficult" terms with their mother ever since.

How about a paternity test? Seems not to be as expensive any more e.g.
https://www.top10dnatests.com/rankings/ ... test-kits/

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I am as I am. Life has to be an adventure!

Could always be worse... if they didn't divorce and stayed to destroy each other and their children...

One thing to think about is that romantic relationships and marital relationships are a lot more complex than you would think from tv and movies. Sometimes the partner who "cheated" was being harmed a lot by the partner who was "cheated on."

Therefore, since you will never see more than a tiny fraction of the complexity, you should try not to draw simplistic conclusions such as "mom was the bad one" or "dad was the bad one." People are not all black and white - most of us have some good and some bad in one and the same person.