I'm Always On The Outside Looking In

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That's how I feel about life. It's difficult for me to explain my feelings, but the best I can do is to say I'm on the outside looking in.

I hope I make sense, because I usually don't and I often end up saying something I'll still regret ten years later.

I pursue my interests, but I never have any fun. Fun is always for everyone except me. I get depressed and angry when I see a man and a woman together, because I'm jealous. When people are having fun, I'm deliberately excluded, because I destroy everyone else's fun just by being there.

I can make acquaintances, but not friends. I have nothing in common with people that could be my friends.

The simple things other people enjoy are out of reach to me like going out to eat with a girlfriend. When somebody goes out to eat with their girlfriend, they give them their food on a tray as if to say "Stay a while and enjoy yourself." When I go out to eat by myself, they give me my food in a paper bag as if to say "Get lost, we don't want single people eating here."

Everyone says you need to enjoy life first before you can enjoy it with a girlfriend, but this is a catch 22. All of the things that are fun seem to be only fun with a girlfriend. I tried going to the amusement park by myself to have fun. I sat in the roller coaster without anyone in the seat next to me. It must have looked strange, me just sitting there motionless with a straight face.

I tried to have fun by going on a vacation to Mexico and Belize, and I didn't have any fun, especially when I saw everybody else having fun with their girlfriend. Why go on vacation? I can do that at home!

My dream in life is to throw a girl in the lake fully clothed and have her enjoy it. I see everyone else throwing the girls in the lake fully clothed and they love it, but that's out of reach for me, because I'm on the outside looking in.

Hey Kevin, let me first say that I know exactly how feel. I'm always on the outside looking in. It seems to be that everyone else it part of some social network whereby they can have friends, talk to one another, have fun and spend time in each others company. I however seem restricted from this group. I don't know why exactly, but I just know that I am.

I too am jealous of guys who have girlfriends and supposedly so much more to offer socially. I have no friends, and I feel pretty lonely most of the time. So I spend a lot of time here on WP, to make up for my lack of a real life. Hearing stories like yours, and thus knowing I'm not alone in feeling these ways, does lessen the hurt, but it can never cure it. Anyway as I said I do understand how you feel. I hope for the best for all guys like you and me.

Yes, this is a recurring feeling for me, especially when disappointment or despair come my way.

I can relate to this impression that Neurotypicals seem to have way more fun. I don't tend to find fun in the same things. Alcohol, parties, that is not fun to me. Alcohol makes me dizzy, puts me to sleep and parties exhaust me. People would often get annoyed at me when I was young for not being able to unwind and just be fun. A lot of this stiffness came from being raised by a strict, controlling mother who rarely seemed to pay attention to what I wanted and loved in life. Living was basically a chore.

I have good friends I can do things with and I do it on occasion, but I would like to experience deep mutual love with a partner and this has not come my way yet. Yet it seems so easy for others. I just don't know how to go about that and my serious attempts have been futile so far. I do attract men at times, but much older ones or guys I don't like in this way. Creeps as well. The few men I have loved did not love me in that way either.
I get particularly annoyed when I step out of my comfort zone, play according to all the neurotypical rules and make extra efforts to achieve something. I get nothing in return or very little results for all my efforts. Doing this over the span of many months last year has led me straight into depression and anhedonia.

At times, when I am busy with life, I don't realize how miserable my lonely existence is, then someone makes a comment. Like they pity me and wonder how I get by like this. Then I realize what people really think about me, even when they are nice to me.