Feeling so overwhelmed/jumbled thoughts

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This is going to probably come out strange and rambly. I just can't cope with things any more and I don't know what to do. I'm in my late 40s, diagnosed only a couple years ago, have a wife and a 7 year old.

My kid is loud. Really freaking loud. He talks loud, he bangs things, he yells, he's rough, doesn't pay attention to things around him. He knows I'm sensitive to sound, so he will ask me 'would this bother you?' and then make a ton of noise. I know he's trying to test boundaries, but he drives me nuts.

My wife pays more attention to her tablet than she does to him or me. We can spend a few hours together after I get off work, and not a serious word be said between us. I try to engage her in conversation, she resists, then later (days or weeks) she'll get upset and tell me she doesn't feel like she can talk with me. When our kid does something wrong, like walking up to a stranger and getting in their way trying to talk to them, she ignores it. I call him back and remind him not to talk to strangers, and she says I'm too strict (usually imitated by my son, because he's using her critiques now).

Trying to spend any time around them is 99% misery and 1% them not talking out of fear of me snapping at them.. still miserable, but at least quiet.

Since a few years before the diagnosis, and getting progressively worse, I feel like I've been shutting down. That I'm less capable at my job, burning out on every aspect of my life. I spend most of my time at work getting distracted so I don't have to do my job, and I hate being distracted, which runs into a vicious cycle.

I really wish I had a checklist of life that I could use to reset things. Sort of like going through every grade of school and every year, with a list of the skills I need to have, the things I need to do to gain those skills, and just focus on getting back to being a semi-comfortable person. Literally, I want to know the basics. The most fundamental thing is to breathe.. then to sleep.. then to eat.. then to sleep at night time.. then to eat healthy foods.. then to walk.. then to understand basic communication.. etc. I just feel like so many of the steps to being human are missing in me right now and that I've regressed to the point of losing those skills.

Life is just freaking crushing me, and I can't ask for help. Honestly, cannot. I've tried to tell my wife that I'm overwhelmed, but I can't get my mouth to open. People ask me how I'm doing and I want to tell them 'I'm sucking at this, I can't do it, my life is falling apart, my stress is through the roof, I don't want to be married, I don't want to be raising a kid, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be around moving vehicles or sound or people, I don't want to have money or bills or possessions, I don't want to drive, I don't want to have a computer or tablet or internet, I just want a closet with mattresses on the walls that I can slam into or punch. I want quiet, I want darkness, I want to block out my thoughts and every sense. I don't want food or drink, I just want to stop and shut down'... but I can't even get my face to express that, I can only get out 'not too bad' or 'it's a day'.

I've been trying for months now to pick up a phone and find a therapist, but I start looking for one who might have any knowledge at all of adult autism issues and can't. Then I get overwhelmed looking through all the names and specialties and second guessing myself and close everything up and stop.

How do I cope with all this?

You do need help. I can identify as I hit something similar. (I am not married).
I actually have downsized everything. Quit job, sold house to pay off mortgage, sold classic car and a camper. Sold or gave away many things so I could rid myself of the stress of keeping them.
For me the big turning point was realizing I needed help and taking the courage to see the autism team who do the assessments. I am not assessed yet.
I did not know what I was going to say, but when I started to try and describe a shutdown and asked if it was a shutdown, and I realized they understood and they thought it was, they were the first people ever who I found to understand what I have been going through, and it was as if a dam had burst... (I found I could never open up to doctors). Then I opened up and said just a bit of what I had gone through, and they were able to help me by writing a letter to my doctor so my doctor was able to put me on a sickness benefit. Having an income was a big thing off my mind and rescued me from having another burnout as the last hit me really hard. I was hardly able to walk just like you have described and I was glitching between masking and unmasking and feeling the nakedness of being unmasked. I was in a mess and could hardly sleep etc.
(I live in the UK so our system is different).

I will say that you need to take yourself to whoever is in athority who can help you. (I do not know how things work in the USA).

I will pray for you.

You mentioned finding a therapist for yourself to cope as an autist, but from your post it sounds like marriage counseling would be most beneficial. Getting on the same page about parenting and other major topics with your wife is necessary for your relationships with her and your son.

I understand feeling overwhelmed when you keep trying to finish a task (like finding a therapist) and not being able to finish that task because of it. So I don't know if this will work for you, but can you try doing a fresh search (this time for a couple's counselor) and just picking one of the first top rated ones you see? Comparative analysis has its pros but at this point it's holding you back, and you won't really know if a therapist is right for you until you meet with them.

Thanks. We've done the couples counseling 3 different times, early on in our marriage, after our kid was born and after my diagnosis. None of it seems to help out. My wife agrees with things, says she'll work on things, then goes back to her old ways. We've also had each of us go through some counseling on our own (her after my diagnosis, me before) and same result.

Something I need to say.

I believe I know what you are going through and your wife's reactions are not helpful as she does not understand and is reacting negatively to you when she should be finding you help.

I believe have hit a major burnout which may be close to a breakdown, as your reactions are to want to rid yourself of responsibilities to protect your fragile mental state. I have done the exact same. I do not know if I hit severe burnout or a breakdown because I have not been assessed and the autism team were very concerned and wanted to put me ahead of the queue, but they were not allowed to and fortunately my "Fragile" state stabilized a little. (I have since seen improvements but now and then I get hit by more stress through external factors (Covid has made things worse) and so I am slipping in and out of this fragile state but better then I was last september).

Am I right in saying that you wanted to detach yourself from your wife and son (And your job etc) because you need to de-stress? That you love your wife and child but can't cope due to stress? That is what I call major burnout if that is what I hit. (I have never married so your home situation is different).

It has hit me hard and effected what I can do physically. I can do things when I have relaxed but not when I am stressed if this makes sense, and I am not able to do things for long like I was once able so I am trying to get myself back into doing stress free things so I am driving miles as I relax while driving.

My feelings are that you need help and a time of relaxing in a stress free enviroment until you recover and then work on your marriage. I believe that your mental health is needing help first so this is the number one concern.

I really hope all goes ok. I really want you to be back able to cope with any little issues with a smile.. But to get on the road to recovery, help is needed.

Sorry to hear HPL. I've been in that same place recently, still recovering and trying to get myself back to feeling ok. Therapy can cause more problems I found. What you likely need is a complete break from your current life ... easier said than done for some, until the stress sees you having a complete nervous breakdown. You need for your own health's sake, and for the sake of keeping your family together and getting through this, to take a break.

There are different ways of getting through. I needed to completely detach due to the harm that staying in contact with my ex was doing to me. I had also created a place I could retreat to when things got too much. You can work on your marriage and parenting once you've managed to get yourself to a better place, if this is what you wish.

I had put my children first, all on the spectrum, raised them, home educated my youngest. I was left to raise them on my own, had been subjected to isolation, control, abuse .... all the horrors you read about and think could never happen to you. I discovered my ex was living a double life, was doing unbelievable things.

I hope you can first off, speak to your GP about what you're going through, that from there, you might be strong enough to face a referral to a Councillor, for one on one support. My thoughts are get yourself support first, in this scenario you find yourself in. You cannot continue as you are ... something will snap, you will likely wind up having a breakdown.

Marriage counselling can work for some, but be a complete disaster for others. You need to be in a better place in order to bring about change in your wife's attitude toward you, along with your son's current behaviour toward you. These things can be changed. But, in order for that to happen, unless your wife understands the severity of this situation, that your mental health is under extreme duress right now, then, you need to seriously consider taking time away from them for all your sakes. You could be left in a situation otherwise, where you become reliant on your wife's care, if you enter that point of mental exhaustion/breakdown.

Seriosuly feel for your situation. Sincerely hope you'll be okay.