I really hate my brain sometimes because I can't have good things. I always taint them with anxiety.
For example I started feeling more attractive lately which is rare for me because I lost some weight from eating well and also finally found a make up style that suited me and is complimented a lot. This however was short lived as I soon started to say I was lying to myself because as far as I know no one has found me attractive ever and if anything I've had more to prove I'm not (EVEN THOUGH IK THIS WAS YEARS AGO AND I'M A TEEN SO I'VE CHANGED) and how can I believe this if there is no proof. Then I began to be uneasy because I started to believe that if I like how I look that means something will disfigure me soon which has made me scared to go outside. I can't even tell what I look like anymore because it changes so much based on how I feel and it's complicated because I have gotten compliments on some features that I didn't provoke like my eyes and cheekbones but that doesn't mean I'm pretty or maybe I feel that way because my friends are all very pretty. I wish I could know what I looked like. The alopecia probably doesn't help lol.
Speaking of weight, I'm talking about this with my therapist atm but she's on break and I just feel really disgusting. I hate my body and I feel like it's so close to being what I want but I'll never get there. A dumb thing to get so upset about, I know.
This also triggered my fear of dying alone which is a reoccurring one despite my age. It started after my dad cheated on my mum and had my secret sibling who I only found I was related to years later. Shortly after I couldn't watch or listen to anything vaguely romantic without bursting into tears and now I just am obsessed with the idea of relationships despite knowing that I would straight up not trust anyone if they said they liked me because why would anyone? I'm anxious, clingy and constantly deciding that people hate me so that I can withdraw for days, why would anyone like THAT? I know from a scare I got when my friend thought someone might that I would straight up physically reject the idea because I almost had a panic attack before they took it back because of some other info I gave. But yh it's not even something I could consider because if I ever see anyone display any behaviour that maybe suggests it like this guy who I think used to stare at me a lot I understand it's a possibility but I feel like it's stuck up and wrong to consider to the point it makes me sick. The idea of someone seeing me like that also kind of disgusts me because part of me feels like there would be something wrong with them. such a dumb thing to panic about at my age but sometimes I see posts from people here and other autistics that make it just feel inevitable which makes me really sad.
I also kind of feel like I'm going to sabotage one of my new friendships which makes me really sad because I suddenly got a lot of anxiety about it and constantly feel like I'm annoying them. I even asked about it and he was really nice but confused and I felt really guilty and embarrassed. My anxiety is also making me doubt myself and despite showing NO signs of having a crush is telling me I will get one which is stressing me out and is typical of it. It just tries to ruin every good thing I have.
Just to summarise I feel very dumb, disgusting and like a burden at the moment and its depressing. Even when it comes to friendships I'm not very trusting and I especially am not if I can't guess what they get ot of it. Lots of my friends ask me for advice and tell me when they're stressed which makes me feel needed and then I get why they are friends with me. When people just like me it confuses me and stresses me out and I can't exactly go "why do you like me?", especially because I feel guilty when a friend has to come to see how mentally ill and insecure I am instead of just being fun and supportive. When I was upset by people looking at me earlier this year and was hiding in public and constantly crying I felt awful because it meant my friends had to see how weak I can be and it makes me a burden. I feel guilty for having friends sometimes.
On top of this my intrusive thoughts have come back and make me want to scream because they're graphic and make me feel so gross and guilty. They're so often now that I regularly am just grimacing from them throughout the day.
Sorry this was so long, I'm very upset.
18 Sep 2020, 6:27 pm
