Acceptance versus improvement

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I often try to make my posts well organized and coherent. I'm afraid the only way I'll get through this one is to go semi stream of consciousness.

Does one accept one's shortcomings or try to improve oneself? The optimist says improve, but the realist says accept. After all improvement is extremely difficult when fighting one's own nature. I will never be socially adept, best I can hope for is socially competent. I fail to connect with most other humans yet still try to do so. The task is Sisyphean and yet acceptance is well unacceptable. Maybe the only true solution is to learn to be lonely.

Everyone should want better. It cannot be bad to want more from life. Yet unrealized expectations lead only to misery. Am I doomed to be forever discontent with my lot in life?

The paradox plagues me. Unable to become the man I want to be, yet unable to accept the man I am. Maybe acceptance of the latter is the only true path to happiness, but some iron unyielding principle rejects this.

Acceptance, if a person knows it's true meaning, would likely get a realistic guide or inspiration towards improvement.

It is up to the person to walk the walk or see work arounds within the right frame of mind.


Acceptance on basis of lacking desire of 'improvement' (having it easier so there's no need), leads to complacency.

Acceptance on basis of lack of improvement (having it too hard so why bother), leads to stagnancy.

Both misunderstood meanings of acceptance leads to complexes, unrealistic views and unresolved issues.


Improvement out of lack of acceptance is like no pain no gain path.
It takes certain logics to extremes that doesn't apply to everyone...
The odds a person swim, drown or sink in this path, I don't and won't ever know.


The only work around such extreme logic is an objective self knowledge.
Which is actually difficult to do alone, harder with unresolved issues and unrealistic ideas.

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Paradoxically, reaching the conclusion of the true meaning of acceptance leads to a more objective self knowledge, which enable one to apply the logic that is no pain no gain due to lack of acceptance causing the desire to improve.

Any less of that, leads to further distortions.
Hint: Do not try hard. Do not force it. Maybe do not get overexcited over it. That's how it gets distorted.

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I'm just recently figuring out that I'm autistic, so I've been having similar thoughts. For most of my life, I've been trying to improve in ways that I'm now beginning to understand are impossible for me. I have hated myself for my failures, but now I'm seeing that these goals were always either beyond my reach, or would have required larger sacrifices than I was willing to make. The sacrifices I've made have been unkind to my mental health, as well as my physical health, on many occasions, but were never quite "enough" to make my life look "normal" or "successful" by the usual standards.
What I'm trying to do now is to ADJUST MY EXPECTATIONS to bring what I desire into line with what I can reasonably do. Instead of cursing myself for not being able to do this or that, I'm trying to look at things with an eye for what is possible. Not "lowering" expectations, just making them more realistic.

^ I second that, adjusting expectations.

For me, acceptance doesn't mean do nothing. I needed to accept my own limitations so I could stop fighting them, and then learn how to operate within my boundaries to give myself the most I could out of my life. I accept my shortcomings and then try to improve in realistic ways. The two go very much hand in hand for me.

Thanks for the replies.

I suppose on some level its difficult to know what is realistic. Improvement requires change. Change is hard. Some change may be impossible. How does one know the difference between hard change and impossible change?

I needed help figuring it out. I was diagnosed as an adult and until my dx, I didn't know other people didn't experience life the same way I did. I had a therapist who knew about autism and she was a great asset for me in trying to figure out what was realistic or not so much.

Example, I didn't know other people didn't have sensory issues like I have. I didn't know why I was struggling to do basic things like get groceries. Learning about those issues gave me a start point for trying to find ways to deal with the sensory issues. I can't change the sensory issues I have. That's a constant for me. I can, however change the way I deal with them, take precautions when I go out and so on. That involved trial and error on my part. In small steps.

I don't know if that answered your question or not. Short of it, I needed part outside help to figure it out, part trial and error figuring it out... what was possible or impossible for me. These days it's mostly trial and error for me in baby step form.