I hate myself and just cut off my friends

Post Reply New Topic

I consider wrong planet a sort of haven for myself anyway but as I am so busyy with school I seem to only visit the haven sections haha

Ok basically I got therapy since the last time posting here and it has made me a lot more self aware of my mental health in that I still feel the same ways but I understand a lot more clearly now that my emotions aren't based in logic and my viewpoint is warped, as opposed to before where I knew this in theory but still justified my anxieties with "logic". The issue with this though is I still go through all the same thoughts and emotions but now, despite knowing how false they are I can't stop the feelings which makes me incredibly frustrated. I have been having issues with panic attacks and non epileptic seizures recently which made me slip on my coping strategies and now things have temporarily come out of control. Today I haven't eaten anything, partially because of anxiety related nausea, but also because I feel I don't deserve it and that scares me. If I don't already have an eating disorder I am probably starting one. Or at least its progressing because I feel weirdly accomplished (strong even?) and that scares me. Just in general when I'm sad I start thinking about weight loss more, usually while overeating till I feel sick lol. I plan to eat tomorrow though because I feel shaky and I don't want to get worse.

This understanding honestly hurts in such a different way because it just makes me realise how messed up I kind of am and how distorted my views are. It hurts and also I understand that I need to become aware before I fix things but it just hurts to realise that there are more things wrong than you thought and the process but still feel powerless against it. I knew I was insecure but damn now I really see how much it's seeped into everything and don't like the sort of thoughts and feelings I have as a result.

I don't feel like I deserve good things in general. I just blocked all my friends because recently one showed romantic interest in the other and this started to make me upset. You would assume it's because I have feelings for one of them but nope, I am afraid that they will like each other more than they like me and I will be forgotten. I have a lot of issues surrounding relationships in general to the point just hearing about people I know entering them makes me struggle to not cry. To summarise, my dad cheated on my mum and lied about it for years and since then I don't trust the idea of relationships, hearing about them makes me upset (sometimes to the point of panic attacks) and I have a lot of insecurities and fears surrounding them. But yeah due to this for some reason the two friends both getting in one upsets me, I thought originally perhaps because the stuff that will happen when they break up, or perhaps I was worried I would like one later but no, it's not that, it's way more selfish. I just simply don't want it to happen because, any time anyone has anything romantic going on a pathetic part of me just rethinks about everything that happened and all my fears and for some reason I feel rejected, no idea why because I don't even have interest in them. It makes me feel sick and it's incredibly selfish. Having so many emotions about such a thing is so stupid anyway because this really doesn't matter till I'm older. It's all very stupid and makes me feel stupid and bitter because at least if I had some reason to feel this way I could feel better but it's just insecurity. It's made extra ridiculous when I consider I find myself constantly testing one of the friends to see if he will leave me because I don't understand why he would want to talk to me. I often just wonder if I should stop being his friend and rip the bandage off because something has to ruin it eventually and I would rather have him hate me because I chose it.

Anyway, this all piled up and I feel I just don't deserve friends anymore tbh, especially if my emotions are so selfish. So I blocked them all and I think I will keep it that way for at least a week. I honestly don't know how they put up with me and my ridiculous anxieties. I can't. I also don't know how mad they will be at me when I calm down and how an earth I am supposed to approach them because I think they know I'm ignoring them now. I need this break though and I don't know how to explain this without sounding like a bad person because it's so selfish and stupid. Honestly, I think they would be better off without me. My feelings are ridiculous and selfish and they make me hate me and my way of dealing with them probably hurts others but I need to cut them off at least temporarily if they will have me back. I know these feelings will calm down soon.

Been patient with yourself .

It is ok. Everything will be ok.

(I know you are going to reply to me in a certain way as I have seen a picture of it... But everything is ok).

Relax. No one can take your feelings and logic away from who you are, and even if your logic is not the same as my logic or anyone elses logic, it is ok.

To be dissasembled like that does not really help because you need something to mentally stand on. Something secure to lean on.

Everything is going to be ok.

I hope you write to your friends, and let them back in your life.

You express yourself very well.

Take some time for yourself.

Frequently when a couple is newly in love they will get wrapped up in each other and forget about other friends. So your behavior is rational here. In my opinion.

I remember that period of my life well, when I was still trying to be social and make friends and I learned a lot about NT behavior and basically, it wasn't for me.

I've grown a lot since then. I can now rejoice in others finding love. But I have a rock solid foundation under me.

Better to work on that foundation and not worry about being a good friend. That sounds terrible and I don't mean it to be terrible. Just that until you have that base in your own life, everything else is chaotic.

Yup.

It's nice to get a reminder because a get varying lengths of time where my mental helth suddenly gets a lot worse and it can be easy to forget that or just there's a possibility of being better in the long run so it's inice to hear. I hope that point will be soon haha

Thank you, I've been in therapy for years which helps and I love to write so happy both have come to use haha

(i don't know if that might seem passive aggressive by accident but it's not)

Thank you and I really am trying to fix myself and I think I am making small steps just healing can be really painful. I want to be a good person and friend and it's why I hate feeling bad when others are happy but I am definitely trying to fix stuff for myself. It probably didn't help that I just let everyone unload their problems even when it hurt me :'). I hope I can get to the same endpoint.

There is pain in the world and for us aspies especially in social relationships. But healing, itself, should not be painful in my opinion. Healing should feel like a positive experience.

So, for example: it is painful to realize people you thought were your friends, in fact don't like you at all. And this has happened to me. It is horrifically painful initially. But after working through it, I come to a healing spot, and feel accepting and good and solid in my new understanding. In the end, I can feel compassion for the person who hated me. That healing feels good.

It's kind of hard to explain. I just wanted you to know that once the pain has gone away, you can reach acceptance and feel good about yourself and your life.

I'm sorry you went through that, I did too but as a kid because the teachers told them to hang out with me as she saw I was lonely and I know it can really damage your ability to trust and hurts bad. I am really imaginative and often run away with fantasies and I like to pretend sometimes that it's the future and I've gotten past this and I am laughing at how I am now, as I do with some past anxieties now. I've been on and off in therapy for about 6 turning 7 years soon and I have been getting better but slowly. I do think I will reach that calm healing place someday but in the main time it hurts so bad. I will get through it though :')

One of them ended up calling my mother because they were worried I was mad at them. I spoke to them briefly and they now know I will just be very distant for awhile as I try to get to a better place. So that means it's ok with all but one now, I have no idea what he is thinking and if it's negative don't think I want to before I'm more stable. Thank you for your concern : )

[Update: he basically noticed instantly when I unblocked him and asked if I was ok. My friends are too good to me honestly]

It never entered my mind.
You might be another one who worries too much.

I told you, you worry too much.
I am never wrong, btw.

Yup.
That happened to me too.

Is there any wonder why I am so suspicious of people's intentions, these days?
I literally avoid *everyone* in real life, now.
I'm in some sort of game that I want no part of, but I have no say in the matter.

I'm sure your life isn't like that, though.