I don't get how I have friends sometimes

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I really struggle with having friends alongside an anxiety disorder.

I keep suddenly deciding different ones hate me and no matter what I do or what they do I will be in emotional agony. If I tell them I burn with shame and regret saying anything as it is probably really annoying. If I say nothing I can feel my heart beating rapidly if I ever talk to them while I panic about this. The result is that I just respond by disappearing and ignoring them which is probably annoying too. They're going to stop talking to me eventually, how do you even deal with someone like that? It sounds emotionally tiring.

I hate it. I hate it so much. It's so painfully embarrassing and makes me look crazy. Like I don't even know how I am supposed to explain it because it isn't logical at all. There's no real reason why I start believing this stuff and I logically know it isn't true but I can't but help feeling it and it honestly makes me hat myself and honestly being friends with me sounds like too much work and part of me honestly wishes I had none. I don't actually want none, I deeply care for my friends, I'm quite intense, but it's more like I feel it would just spare others confusion and annoyance and I can't shake the feeling they will leave anyway.

I don't really know what to do because honestly I want to keep my friends but I on't know how much longer I can expect them to put up with me and my disappearing. It hurts so much and is confusing because I don't know how to deal with it all so I just shut down and cry. I just took down my main way of communicating with them but for once I'm not going to completely block them because I want things to get better and not to escalate. I just don't know how to cope with these completely ridiculous feelings and its making me overeat because I will feel too bad to eat for most of the day then pig out and eat all my feelings in the evening. It makes me feel gross.

I hope I don't sound ungrateful. I know I'm lucky to have friends I just don't understand why they are my friends so it doesn't feel stable and I don't know how to handle them. I do know I am lucky though.

Your friends probably have "disorders" as well.

They might not show it. They might not tell you. But they might have "disorders," nevertheless; they're just better at hiding them.

They feel a commonality with you.

Please don't feel that you're "defective," and everybody else is "perfect."

I cannot tell you how truly blessed you are to have them in your life.
Sounds to me like they know you and care about you and understand that you have emotional issues.
They seem to be understanding and accepting; tell each one, when you can, how very much you appreciate them.