My stepdad is disconnected from us

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My stepdad constantly snaps at people in the family or ignores us.

Or he does stuff to wind us up then says he didn't do it on purpose.

For eg at dinner time he mouthed something at mum. Mum said 'why did you mouth that? That was a perfectly ok thing to say out loud. It's not a secret'

He should know I'm having issues right now with social anxiety and it's manifesting in thinking people are talking about me. I have spoken over numerous meals about this with mum reassuring me. It's when I can't hear people and I know they're talking ie I can hear their voices but not what words they're saying or just the occasional word.

And earlier in the meal mum just brought up the (usually annoying) game she does every year of 'so much has changed this year, this time last year...' then listing what our normal was in 2019. Normally that game is annoying, 2018 wasn't much different to 2019 and 1999 wasn't much different to 2000, etc, etc. But 2020?! We shielded practically all year. It was not a normal year. She said 'this time last year I was worried about work, I hadn't got my job yet'. I said 'this time last year I went to the shops every day for a few items'. He said 'I think that about covers it' then said he thought we were talking specifically about 17th December 2019 (we weren't. Nobody in my family can remember random dates that well).

Sometimes it manifests in either us having an idea and dismissing it then him saying the idea out loud or the opposite - me or her coming up with an idea then he has the same idea - he's right there while we're talking.

It's like he's constantly missing whole conversations & ignoring us or talking to us in a really nasty tone of voice which is loud and sharp and not his usual manner of speech but increasingly over the last year or so has become his usual manner of speech. Or he'll say 'I'm BUSY' all the time. According to him, cis adult men can't shout because shouting is high pitched But he certainly raises his voice a lot in a bellow.

He prides himself on lack of empathy when it comes to solving things. I know this because I was really stressed one day and he kept hassling me on answering emails for him so he could open a phone we forgot the password to. He said 'most people would have given up because empathy for how you were feeling would've blocked them, I needed to know so I didn't let empathy weaken me'...

We've asked him what's wrong 'nothing'. We've told him the way he comes across is rude 'I'm not rude'. We've asked him if he can hear us 'yes'.

I just want the old him back. I don't want him to be perfect or 'normal'. I just want to be able to communicate with two people at the same time when I'm sitting at a table with two people or to have some kind of explanation as to why I can't.

It really feels deliberate but idk why he would deliberately act like that unless it's to upset us.

He sounds like an accomplished manipulater.
If you must live with your parents, you must.
Eat your meals reasonably, do not rush, be minimally polite, leave the table.
Do NOT get drawn in to his games.
Just eat, and ‘Yes’ or No’.
Be polite, avoid him as much as possible.
He will focus on (target) someone who rises to the bait.

He never used to be this way.

For decades, he was a nice guy to be around who was jokey and quirky but was an overall nice guy.

Then one year he just slowly became ... always in a rush and always in a mood and never listening.

I think he is too stubborn to wear his hearing aids or admit he has a problem with his hearing. That or something else is going on which he refuses to admit.

And it's like he's always busy. My social anxiety gives me guilt when he's busy cos I'm on ESA but it's all the time. The guy only works one day a week - surely nobody who works only one day a week is always busy and unable to relax?

Whatever is causing this, you need to focus on yourself and what you’re going to do to live with this. If you are not able to move out, and now is NOT the time to even think about moving, you will have to live with it.
You either participate in his mind games and be a target, or withdraw as much as possible without being obvious.
He will eventually focus on others if he CANNOT get a satisfying reaction from you.
I am so very sorry you are in this situation.

He's now inviting strange people onto our property.

Skip's in the garden.

Doors are open.

They're coming after dark.

I feel unsafe.

He got in a row with me and mum for saying we feel unsafe. Apparently we're both wrong...

This is serious.
Household security is going to be critical very soon.
When is the last time that he had a medical evaluation?
I am wondering if he has had a small stroke...
That can cause a personality change.
How willing is your mother to take this seriously?
Do you have a family doctor?
Do you personally have medical coverage?
I am thinking he may need an evaluation.
Keep us informed; there is reason for concern.

Mum and me had a go at him over it.

He says we're 'ganging up on him'. He picks flaws at our arguing but all he does is shout and point his finger at us.

He's always preferred strangers to us (or felt intimidated by strangers is how mum puts it...) but it's taking ridiculous levels now.

People coming on our property who we don't know when we're not in a gated community anymore so it could be anyone.

Mum told them to get lost and that they're not allowed to take things out of our garden/come into our garden anymore. Mum thinks they were taking wood intended for our build rather than the wood from the skip.

Obviously, if the skip was on the street, it would be a different story. But it's not.

I'm stopping in my future house tonight. I've had the door locked all night. And - I feel more safe not less for it. Security actually allows you to feel safe and then to relax, I wish he could see that.

Please re-read my previous message.
There is something wrong.
Someone can get in your home if this continues.
If you and your mother do not deal with this seriously, someone could get hurt.
I am sorry that this is happening, but you (and your mother) MUST find out the reason for his behavior and make it stop.
We are all concerned; I am getting quite worried.
Tomorrow is Monday.
PLEASE call his doctor, make sure the staff understands that thorough diagnostics are critical.

This year stress has hit the coolest of men. The same goes for women. Flaws we didn't even know that we have have been glaringly exposed. I have only read your first post. I am saying that he may be stressed.

I'm tempted to just stay here full stop til he changes.

Trouble is right now it's an air bnb. Not my house yet.

But we have it blocked out til Easter. Nobody can rent this place til Easter.

I told mum I was worried about his health. She says he's no different to usual - that he's always been rude like this. Seems like he's just taking it out on me over the last few years though.

Doesn't excuse/explain his security things though. It's a mix of social anxiety & ridiculous lack of boundaries (literally).

He would have to speak to his GP himself, surely? Or maybe mum as his next of kin could do it? Mum can do mine but only because she's a medical guardian - a legal responsibility.

Can you and your mother do a conference call on the phone?
Calling your/his doctor’s office and explaining safety/mental instability issues may motivate the staff to make suggestions as to what can be done legally to get some sort of psychological evaluation.
I truly believe there is cause for concern.
Please make some calls.

Here in the UK no one is allowed to see a doctor on behalf of another family member unless that person has been officially declared as not being responsiblw in a mental way.
We went through years of issues with my Dad where the doctors kept altering his medication without altering another medication with it so he would kewp changing his peraonality and even the police were fed up with it as thwy had to get the helicopter out agin ti find him when he went off. We kept telling the doctor again and again what was happening but he would not have it and he was not allowed to do anything unless my Dad had told him that, and my Dad never knew it was happening so he was blaming us for being distant to him...

That is not right.
The patient needs proper evaluation and care, the family is in an emotionally impossible place.
Everyone is in pain, and the doctor is probably doing his best, legally.

Yep.

So with early assessments it requires the patient to know/agree something's going on.

For years we've nagged him about his memory and stuff like that and he says 'I don't see it as a problem' so we're stuck.

Also the reason why even though he thinks he's aspie he won't get assessed - cos it's not a problem in his life so he just identifies as autistic because all his personality traits fit. If I hadn't been diagnosed in childhood I'd do the same thing actually.

I'm really glad that I recognised there was a problem with my anxiety even though I was really ill. Being aspie I was super honest about it and also researched it a lot. Then I went to the doctor and said 'I think I have social anxiety, do I?' then he discussed symptoms with me and said 'yes, that fits'.

So what are you and your mother doing about the specific potentially dangerous behavior?
Are strangers still coming on your property?
Have you called his doctor and described his behavior?
Have you had a set discussion with your mother regarding the necessity of getting a diagnosis of his mental health?
Venting is necessary and helps emotionally, but your family could get hurt by these people, seriously.

We are not his medical guardians. Get it into your head that in proper countries, people can't call the doctor over another person unless they are given medical guardianship. America has a weird healthcare system if you can do that there.

Strangers aren't coming onto the property anymore. Mum told them off. They wrote and apologised.

I've pretty much moved out.

I told him about how I'm concerned over his behaviour. If he wants to go to a doctor he can do.