Why shouldn't I just end it all? (Trigger Warning!)

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My life is and always has been sh!t.

My father beat since I was a toddler.

My mother married a man from Libya and moved us there, allegedly to keep us safe from my father. But as you'll see that hardly how things turned out.

Immediately after we arrived in Benghazi, my step-father's mother had a fit and left town for months. Over the years, she flip-flopped between "accepting" us and demanding we leave and never come back. And within a month or so, my step-father's cousin lured me to a disserted section of the family house and raped me. When I told my mother, she said that his parents are such sweet people and she couldn't bear to hurt them by letting them find out what their son had done.

My step-father was emotionally abusive. He constantly belittled me and nothing I did was ever good enough for him. In the fourth grade I tied with a classmate for the first place in my class, and his reaction was to complain that I didn't beat her. I never learned to drive because every time I tried to learn all he did was gripe at for not already knowing what he was supposed to be teaching me. Worst of all, for years he forbade me from using any bathroom in the house other than the one I was raped in.

In addition to my step-father's cousin, I was abused sexually a number of other times. I was raped by a bigger kid at school. Several people, including neighbors and family members, touched me inappropriately on various occasions. My cousin took a toy from me and put in his pocket, then got me to dig through his pocket to get it back. I kept feeling something and I didn't know what it was at the time, but I later realized it was his erect penis. When I told my mother about this, her response was "yeah, but he's such a nice guy". A store keeper acted creepy for a while, grooming me until he eventually forced himself on me. Because I was a white kid in a part of the world where that's uncommon, plus the deficits of being on the spectrum, made a common and easy target for abusers and predators. And because I'm a male, nobody ever takes me seriously when I talk about it.

I was regularly bullied by cousins and other family members. I had a disabled cousin, and some of my other cousins manipulated her to start drama and get me in trouble by adding onto something I said and blowing it out of proportion. My step-father was aware of what had actually happened, but he still beat me over it just to appease his family. One time an older cousin held me down to let my younger cousin beat on me. After I fought back, my younger cousin went and complained to his mother and she came and slapped me across the face. My junkie uncle got tricked out on who-knows-what and started yelling at me for no reason. I kept trying to get away from him but he kept following me and harassing me. After that, my step-father, his mother, and several other family members all chided me for being disrespectful. And by the way, that last one happened more than once.

I returned to the US when I was 20 and went to college, but things didn’t get much better. It was difficult for me to make friends. Because of my autism, people often thought that I was rude, arrogant, or inconsiderate. Dating was impossible. After years of loneliness, my ex-fiancé approached me. I never really felt attracted to her, but out of a combination of fearing loneliness and fearing it was shallow to reject someone with a physical disability, I started a relationship with her. And the pattern of narcissistic abuse began. She started with love bombing but soon started tearing me down. She groomed me, gaslighted me, and nurtured my insecurities. She isolated me until my social circle consisted entirely of her and her friends. And after 2 and a half of years of grooming me to be codependent, she broke up with me over the phone when I was going through a very stressful time and called me a bum and a loser. And of course, everyone believed her when she lied about what happened and nobody believed me when I told the truth. I lost every friend I had because of that.

I seriously considered killing myself. My mother convinced that things would get better if I gave them some time. That was 11 years ago and still nothing has ever gotten any better.

And needless to say, no other woman has wanted to date me ever since.

Despite having a university degree, I could never get a good job. Every job I ever had has been a low-paying, high turn-over cluster that hired anyone as soon as they passed a background check. And even many of those turned me away for being overqualified. As a result, I often found myself unemployed, and because I have no family support, I’ve been homeless no less than 7 different times in the past decade. And everyone spat in my face by everyone. Even the progressives insisted that, because I’m a “privileged” white male, I could only be in this situation because I’m too lazy to get a job.

So why keep going?! For me, life never has and never will be anything but constant struggle and pain. And even all the things that are supposed to balance out the unpleasantness of life, such as love, family, success, and achievement; are forever denied to me because of my disability.

I recently saw a video from Cosmic Skeptic in which he explained that death brings no harm or discomfort to the diseased. Mark Twain said “I do not fear death. I was dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and I did not suffer the slightest inconvenience from it.” So again, why not just put an end to it all?! Why continue to suffer, when oblivion’s promise of ever-lasting peace is so easily accessible?!

Hello!

I'm sorry you are struggling. Your pain is real and valid.

I have not had the experiences you have, but I do understand feeling hopeless. I have struggled my entire life as well. I have endured trauma and I am currently no contact with my entire family.

I have so many hopes and dreams but I feel like my Aspergers holds me back so much. I just try and do what I can and not compare myself to other people as far as accomplishments. I try to set my own standard of accomplishment.

I do feel your frustration, I hope you have a good New Year's.

I'm sorry that you've been through so much.

Personally I try and focus on small accomplishment rather than bigger things.

Your Mum has been very dismissive of your feelings. It's probably got a lot to do with how she was brought up and her own insecurities. She's been in the wrong and done you a disservice many-a-time, but she would be very sad if she lost you. She would miss you.

I just came across this Twitter thread

https://twitter.com/weedswildflowrs/status/1344651715883184128?s=19

Forget about those “progressives.” They have no idea what they are talking about.

You’ve had a rough past. What did you get the degree in?

I’m sure you’re not a bad person. You’ve been victimized, certainly.

There are many folks here who have been victimized. You’ve come to WrongPlanet, the right place.

I’ve been through a few things. Not as much as you have. I was sexually abused at age 18. And had a bullied childhood.

There are people who have had it rough—who have used what happened to them for good. They became counselors, therapists, or just good friends

I hope you can get to the point where you know you’re decent and useful—because you are, or could be.

Don’t do yourself in. It won’t solve anything.