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thinkinginpictures
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01 Jan 2021, 2:16 pm

I've often been subject to a kind of bullying where whatever I say is wrong, not because of what I say but because of who (me) is saying it.

I've actually made several experiments to prove this is indeed real. I've said things that was said in a conversation or on internet boards, where the majority agree on this (can't exactly name any specific examples).

Then I said exactly the same thing ie. a couple of months later, and they turned against me.
- Or didn't reply at all.

Last time this happened, I told them "if anybody else than me was saying this, you wouldn't all agree I am wrong."
Someone actually admitted this, but told me I am still not good enough.

How do I deal with this?



Fnord
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01 Jan 2021, 2:25 pm

thinkinginpictures wrote:
... How do I deal with this?
You might have better experiences if you soften the way you say things.  This means making your statements more like suggestions than orders -- use the word 'could' instead of 'should', for example -- and speak in more probabilistic terms.  "You may have more success if you try this method..." instead of "You should do it this way..."


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thinkinginpictures
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01 Jan 2021, 2:32 pm

Fnord wrote:
thinkinginpictures wrote:
... How do I deal with this?
You might have better experiences if you soften the way you say things.  This means making your statements more like suggestions than orders -- use the word 'could' instead of 'should', for example -- and speak in more probabilistic terms.  "You may have more success if you try this method..." instead of "You should do it this way..."


Thanks, fnord.

I will try your advice, but actually I've already used these terms before, still getting enemies.

I'm not speaking of WP.



Joe90
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01 Jan 2021, 2:36 pm

I don't know any advice on how to deal with this type of behaviour, but I do understand what you mean because I had this exact same issue in high school from some of the other girls I considered my friends.
It didn't matter what I said or how I said it or when I said it, I was always wrong or weird, just because I was me.
I remember one time one of the girls was freaking out because she was getting goosebumps (you know when your skin gets bumpy when you're cold), and she was yelling "oh my God, I am getting goosebumps, eww I can feel them coming up on my skin, eww!" And the rest of the group didn't really say anything but still looked at her approvingly. I knew for certain that if that were me making a fuss because of getting goosebumps, the rest of the group would just tell me to shut up and call me a freak or something.

I used to spend a lot of my time daydreaming of how simple life would be if I was just born an NT like everyone else and be able to say whatever I wanted and still be socially approved by the group.

No wonder I had such low self-esteem and was full of anger as a teenager and younger adult. Being made to feel unimportant, worthless and hated, just because you're you, is one of the worst type of emotional damage you can do to a child or teen, and leave emotional scars for the rest of your life. The way I see it, being neglected by your peers can be just as emotionally damaging as being neglected by your parents, whether you're NT or not.


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thinkinginpictures
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01 Jan 2021, 2:49 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I don't know any advice on how to deal with this type of behaviour, but I do understand what you mean because I had this exact same issue in high school from some of the other girls I considered my friends.
It didn't matter what I said or how I said it or when I said it, I was always wrong or weird, just because I was me.
I remember one time one of the girls was freaking out because she was getting goosebumps (you know when your skin gets bumpy when you're cold), and she was yelling "oh my God, I am getting goosebumps, eww I can feel them coming up on my skin, eww!" And the rest of the group didn't really say anything but still looked at her approvingly. I knew for certain that if that were me making a fuss because of getting goosebumps, the rest of the group would just tell me to shut up and call me a freak or something.

I used to spend a lot of my time daydreaming of how simple life would be if I was just born an NT like everyone else and be able to say whatever I wanted and still be socially approved by the group.

No wonder I had such low self-esteem and was full of anger as a teenager and younger adult. Being made to feel unimportant, worthless and hated, just because you're you, is one of the worst type of emotional damage you can do to a child or teen, and leave emotional scars for the rest of your life. The way I see it, being neglected by your peers can be just as emotionally damaging as being neglected by your parents, whether you're NT or not.


The problem is, I am neither a child nor a teen. I'm a adult and I experience this type of behavior by other adults.



madbutnotmad
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01 Jan 2021, 2:51 pm

Bullies exist I am afraid.
I recommend that you work out who is bullying you and avoid them if possible.

I have been bullied all my life in many shapes and forms.
Including the at work, at school, at home, from people i thought were friends, from people in politics, from people in the entertainment industry, from my ex-wife and people who used to be my friends who decided they wanted to marry my wife and get rid of me in any way they could, while in health care, from people on the internet such as forums, and people who have actually cyberstalked me and perhaps even eavesdrop on me and some have even broken into my house and stolen things from me.

Yep. when it happens it is rubbish.
I recommend that when you encounter people who bully you, identify them and try and avoid them if you can.

The problem with bullies when you have ASD, we are not all well prepared to deal with psychological abuse.
In fact, I would say that it is easier to deal with violent abuse than psychological bullying.

This is greatly due to the way that the ASD brain develops which results in us having deficits or dysfunction in some areas of our brains that are essential for defending ourselves competently from bullies.

In particular, ASD brains often have problems in the following areas.

Firstly, we have abnormal sensory areas of the brain that causes us to get more than normal sensory information to normal people, this feature increases how much stress we get at one time. Which as mentioned is more than normal people.

Secondly, we also have less capacity to cope with stress due to damage that is caused by prolonged exposure to heightened levels of stress hormones which once damaged, reduces the capacity for the amount of stress we can cope with.

Thirdly, people with ASD also usually have abnormal frontal lobes, with our frontal lobes being bigger than normal.
Bigger frontal lobes apparently cause us problems regulating emotion, which, especially when put under psychological pressure, so consider all these 3 features of the Autistic Spectrum Disorder brain.

in short....

extra sensory information + reduced capacity for stress + dysregulation of emotion = autism spectrum disorder sensory overload "meltdowns"

aka in simple terms.... stress > capacity for stress = ASD sensory overload meltdown.

So, you see. we are generally not great for dealing with bullies.
We can however, try and avoid, and perhaps read up on bullying and approaches to deal with such people.

I have mentioned before, Gracie Jiu Jitsu teach a course called Bullyproof for kids, and a course called Woman empowerment for woman to defend against sex attackers.

I also recommend Aikido for calming martial art that may help you approach bullies with a calm heart.

I also recommend Ed Parker's Kenpo Karate, Krav Maga Max, and Jeet Kune Do, as methods of self defense.
Otherwise, perhaps your local library may be useful to teach you some other methods to deal with psychological forms of bullying.



thinkinginpictures
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01 Jan 2021, 2:57 pm

madbutnotmad wrote:
Bullies exist I am afraid.
I recommend that you work out who is bullying you and avoid them if possible.


That is a bit difficult on an internet forum, where anyone can reply (I'm not talking WP, I'm sure bullies are dealt with here).

Ignoring them is not an option either, because I do not believe in ignore. It's a failure to ignore people, if you ask me.



Joe90
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01 Jan 2021, 3:14 pm

Quote:
The problem is, I am neither a child nor a teen. I'm a adult and I experience this type of behavior by other adults


Oh, that's odd because I have been in the adult world for about 12 or 13 years now and I've met a lot of people since and none of them were as bad as the girls at school. I got picked on when I was 19 or 20, by people at the volunteer job I used to do, who were in their 50s and 60s. They nitpicked a harmless quirk of mine and used it against me in the most humiliating way. But that was just 2 or 3 of them, the rest didn't join in, and it was still quite different to the silly behaviour of the kids at school.

I know bullying goes on in the adult world (unfortunately), but I thought adults weren't so blunt with their bullying like kids are. Or maybe I have just gotten more skilled at socialising, I don't know.

I'm not sure what advice I can offer though. But you do have my sympathy. The people that do that to you are as*holes that need growing up. And then they say that Aspies are socially immature? I think you're the most mature one out of these as*holes. :heart:


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