Struggling

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My government just announced our A-Level exams would be cancelled and after all these months of uncertainty it has made me spiral. I was already having some stuff get worse before it and now I have no idea what is going to happen. I think I can get at least one A but I feel like no matter what grades I feel like they will be lower than what I would have been capable of getting if things were normal. I understand this is probably what will end up being more fair but it still sucks. Because of our lockdown I am also losing out on contact with people and am stuck with my family which is hard because I'm starting to have problems with my mum as I don't think I'm idealising her anymore and my sister recently said it's hard dealing with me and my mental illness. Not to say my mum isn't great, she is amazing but I think I put her on a really high platform before and ignored a lot of the flaws that we all have as humans and now I'm realising them it is causing tension as I see them and realise some of the issues she accidentally has given me.

I also saw footage of me in the past two days and the feeling of nauseating repulsion when it comes to myself has come back. I think it's how my brain is deciding to cope with things, channel them elsewhere but it's fun to be back where I was last lockdown, hating myself so intensely that it makes me feel sick and hating how I look. Small problem, I respond to that hatred by overeating because for some reason I do things that make me feel worse when I'm sad. So that is going to be fun to deal with especially as I just lost weight and my mum pointed out I tend to always gain it back from stress eating when I asked for new clothes due to the weight loss and a few becoming ill fitting. But yes now looking at myself is horrible and makes me feel sick and depressed. I don't want to be seen either but not as badly as last time luckily, it was making me cry before.

I also have become really paranoid about my friends again which is fun. Constantly second guessing them and why they talk to me again and I fully realised how messed up I am when it comes to them. I go through cycles of talking to them, getting comfortable and then hating when they are nice/affectionate to the point I feel sick, ghosting them and then panicking that they hate me now and will leave until I talk again, and so on.

I'm back to where I was last lockdown and I think I'm going to fail my subjects and I intensely hate myself to the point it hurts. Super fun. I'm also sick atm with a sinus infection so trying to take it kind of easy at the beginning because I don't feel great but the lack of exercise is destroying my mental health. When I feel a little better I might cautiously start going on walks.

Firstly about the A levels. Do not worry. This year everything has been strange so if you pass or fail it does not matter. Why I say this is that most decent future employers are very likely to set their own tests.
Relax. All is ok. Try not to think about things. Find things you enjoy and do them to relax you.

I understand that canceling the A-levels was probably necessary---but I'm sure it made people who studied hard for them a little irritated.

I guess I used to feel "repulsed" about my appearance when I was your age----but I do believe you are probably your "own worst enemy" when it comes to this.

What are you seeking your A-levels in?

I think it was necessary because schools are being closed for about two months and this will hit poorer people harder so it is probably the best move. I wasn't really studying too hard yet but I was going to start because I had mocks coming up and of course the final tests. Now I have to make sure I get an A in Classical Civilisations, A in German and A in English Literature when my current grade average is ABC in order to get to the uni I want. It's frustrating because now it seems I have to consistently score high when I usually pull through in the end and have my teachers think I can achieve that stuff because it is in part based on their opinion of me :/ . Not to mention I probably shattered that confidence in my last mocks where I got Bs and a D. The gov are still being super vague on how this will all work but I guess all I can do is work hard and hope it works out .-.

Those are three mighty substantive subjects.

What is your favorite "classical" civilization?

Sorry to hear you’re not feeling well at the moment, Iv. That alone alters how you’ll be feeling about anything and everything. It’s been frustrating for many over changes to the normal flow of education, exams etc, but ultimately, all will work out. No sense in worrying about things that are truly out of your control. You’re studious and intelligent. I share your interests in subjects from the sound of it.

My mother remains on a pedastal and can’t be taken down ... as she passed way too soon and truly was amazing! Remember your mother is human and isn’t infallible. No-one is perfect. She must be pretty amazing as she helped make you!