It's always your fault

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Do you sometimes feel like you get advice when all you need is someone to care about how you're feeling?

I've given up trying to talk to people about how I feel. I just get 'positive suggestions', even from women who are stereotypically meant to be more compassionate.

Why don't you do this, why don't you do that, why don't you try being happy instead?

Argh.

Rather than motivating me, it's made me give up. I'm emotionally exhausted. I don't have strength to try this and that and the next thing.

The ironic thing is when you are at your lowest, no one sees you because you are not present (well not in person these days) but if you stop texting them or video calling, they just forget you ever existed.

I'm too tired to try and connect. I wish someone would bother about me for a change.

Pre-covid I had a reputation for being the person who organises things. I live in a place with nice galleries and parks and coffee shops. It's easy to get a couple of people together and out of the house to meet up.

Now my role has disappeared and no one cares.

Last edited by hurtloam on 03 Jan 2021, 8:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

I am not sure if it makes a difference, but I make it a point of reading your posts and try to respond.

Can I make you a coffee?

We care about you on here Hurtloam.

I hear what you're saying, hurtloam. Over my life span, few try to maintain the friendship (if that is what it is) past whatever activity puts you two together. I pay serious attention to the ones that do reach out a hand. It's one of the ways to discover who is your friend and who are just convenient associates. (Of course, you have to take care the person who reaches out does not have an ulterior motive...oh, aren't social interactions fun? [sarcasm])

I have accepted that I am likely to have very few, if any, real friends.

I'm sorry you are feeling lonely and sad. (((hurtloam)))

Yes, I understand where you are coming from. It can spiral into deep depression. I have faced that feeling countless times over the years. For me, it is best to just bury myself into either work or one of my special topics until I forget. The less I think about it, the better I feel. It may not work for you, but I wish you well.

I understand.

I think it's because NT women want to 'fix' everyone who's not an NT woman into their mode of thinking.

And autistic people and NT men want to find solutions all the time.

It annoys me when I say for eg 'I feel sick' and someone has what I perceive as a smart aleck answer like 'have you taken a pill' or 'sick how' or 'what do you think caused that?' or 'what can you do about that?'

They should just express sympathy!

Not really, I suppose. When I talk about my feelings to people, which isn't common in the first place, I usually do it when there's a problem to be solved and I want another perspective on it. What bothers me is when advice is given and I say I've already tried that and know that it doesn't work, yet people insist that it does. I mean, there are things that can work with some way later even if they don't work on the first try, but there are also lots of things that don't. Plus, if I've already tried something many times and it hasn't worked, then at some point it's reasonable to stop trying things that way.

I think I'm actually often guilty of doing the very thing that bothers you. It's only in the recent years that I've really understood the fact that sometimes people tell about their problems only in order to let out their frustrations without actually even looking for advice. This would be fine otherwise, but it gets troublesome when I can't tell if the people just want me to listen or if they want advice. Sometimes I just go and ask, but people seem to find that offending. Why is it so offending that I can't read minds? Or is this the kind of thing that people are supposed to be able to read from the body language of the other person?

<Pepe does a cut-and-paste>
"I'm sorry you feel that way. [comfort]"

The Pandemic sucks!

I’d like to live in your sort of neighborhood, Hurtloam.

I have no ability in “organization.” At least you have that ability.

I have to settle for the ability to walk 10 miles a day

This is exactly what I meant. Sorry I didn't explain it well enough.

It's more that they jump in with ideas that are tropes and things I've tried already. They assume they know what I'm saying or know who I am and suggest things that aren't appropriate for me personally and view my protests as me just not listening or appreciating help.

One of my friends saw what became an argument between me and an older friend on facebook and messaged me saying, "why were you annoyed. Her suggestions are good. She's had daughters and grandaughers. Listen to her."

But she (the old woman) didn't listen to who I was, just jumped in feet first firing off positive quotes like "choose happiness" and "you need to be loving to be loved" and crap like that.

I unfriended her. I'm only on facebook to keep in touch with family in other countries anyway.

My sister was absolutely fuming with rage at the older friend. "You are loving," she said to me. "That person doesn't know you."

I'm still upset thinking about it.

For me, sometimes I just express both my ups and downs (which are both quite extreme) as blunt facts. This makes me sound either like I'm moaning all the time or bragging all the time. I'm tired of online people trying to fix my inability to work - that's between me, my doctor, my medical guardian and the government & I merely express it as a fact not even a complaint.

I think on here, I expect fixes or at least advice/mutual experiences. Irl it depends who I ask. There's very few guys I trust to do the emotional labour of just being vented to. If I know a woman's autistic, I don't make her listen to my vent either. I think the vast majority of people will advise - just their advice is pretty crap unless you're an idiot. I specifically say that to my stepdad 'assume I'm not stupid' because he gives me really obvious advice all the time.

I'd say, advise if you have something specific to offer. Any unique training, job experience, life experience. If your experiences are more generic or less experienced than others in the specific area - comfort is better. For eg I hate when 99% of people give me medical advice. Sounds like my stepdad 'I have a headache', 'have you taken a pill', 'well, duh' - should say 'I feel bad for you'. But if I said to my cousin's fiance who's a doctor 'I keep having headaches' and he says 'not many people know this but such and such has the ability to reduce amounts of migraines' I'll take his advice.

A good idea when talking to aspies I guess is using literal language so if you want help actually say 'can you help me with this'.

I think it is natural to share experiences and ideas, but so many people here don't want advice so I try to remember to ask first.
Simples.

I feel like I did when I was 5 and my Mum took me to a party. Her friends kids were in a different school district to me, so I didn't know them. She wanted me to make friends with them, you know how adults who are friends organise a play date.

I still remember it. This room full of people I didn't know. There were party games. I played a few, but I felt bad and started crying.

The adults asked me why, but I didn't know why. I wasn't with my school friends. It was weird being at a party with people I didn't know. I didn't feel comfortable.

That's how I feel at work and with other group video calls. Like I'm not meant to be there. I hate it.

^ Extreme introversion. Most of us are so according to that poll.