I've Had It With The Awful and Abusive Online Behavior

Post Reply New Topic

I have to take a break from chatting with men online. I am a 27 year old female with aspergers. And lately I have seemed to attract a lot of abusive people online. Especially considering that I have posted emotionally in other places.

I am usually able to ID red flags before things get too bad. But I have has it with men sending me paragraphs and stuff when they are intoxicated about what I should or should not do when they have only talked to me for 3 days. If you step back and think about that it's insane.

Or them trying to make things extremely emotional and basically pushing me to lower boundaries I have because they claim to love me after 3 days of talking.

And of course, if I don't do what they say I should do I will end up over 30 with no life skills. Um, I already have life skills. I have a job. I am in school. I am able to live independently on my own. I make all my own Doctors appts as well as other appts. I manage my own money. I take care of my Dog.

Like, it sucks because I almost feel like being open about my aspergers makes it so that I attract a lot of abusers.

I almost feel I'll have to remain single for a long time or life because all I seem to attract are abusive men.

Anyone else feel similarly?

ETA: Also, I have had issues with NT people and aspie men. Just putting that out there because I don't want people to rant against NTs when I've had issues with people who are not NT.

You are doing well my lovely.

Not allowing others to emotionally blackmail you and seeing the red flags is pretty good emotional intelligence and self-care.

I salute you.

Thank you, this means a lot!!

Aspies get obsessed easily. Best to tell them where the boundaries are and if they don't get it nobody is asking you to burden yourself by further entertaining them. Aspie men such as I often just don't know, and in that light what you've described sounds less like abuse and more like clumsy behavior and frustration.

You also sound frustrated, so at least you have that in common

To me, you sound like you have a good understanding as to how to identify abuse.
Which is important, so as to be able to recognise it, label it, perhaps tell the people involved off (if you can be bothered) or just get away from the abusers.

Unfortunately I think there are a lot of people who abuse, men, some even woman.
Some of their behaviour is likely intentional (i mean sending photos of certain things. I never really understood how that trend caught on, but apparently it has, not sure if this happens both ways, but some men do this. I am not sure if ASD men do this, personally i would have thought they are generally too shy and awkward to do that, and some may even be sensible enough not too, which doesn't say that much though), and some of the "abuse" may be their hang ups, or if they are ASD men, it may be misunderstandings due to problems with communication or symptoms of an anxiety disorder? (such as needing to be reassured, a bit of paranoia. I guess its hard to have relationships with people long distance and online without having worries).

As for men falling in love in 3 days. Well desperate men with ASD are probably more common than men with ASD who aren't as desperate. Perhaps due to some lacking any significant experience in relationships.

So, perhaps men falling in love in 3 days is more likely.

When i was younger, I was very naive when it comes to relationships, although had had a few girl friends when i was younger. Due other personal problems, i went through a period in my late 20s where I didn't have any relationships for several years, which made me feel inadequate and abnormal, as well as pine for a relationship.

At the time I felt that that is what I needed in life to make me happy.

Eventually i met someone, who I overly keenly got involved with without really looking into her background,
what her family were like, and didn't test her out in terms of how she acted or how she treated me or my family.

As it turned out she was really abusive and came from a well known abusive family in the area that I live,
and believe it or not, she was very bad for me and my family.

I now look back in hindsight and realise that the reason why I went through a lot of rubbish was because I stupidly got involved with a woman who really wasn't a good person and really bad for me.
Not saying that i am perfect, as I am not. I have ASD for a start. But I didn't deserve the treatment that this woman gave me. Real bad deal.

Looking back, I wished I had tested her and her family out, and if they didn't pass my tests (which probably wouldn't be that easy to fail if she was half decent) then I should have done my best to run like hell as far as I possibly could from her and her family.

So, perhaps that may be worth considering.
Working out some tests and ways of checking out her and her family.

Although, from experience, you also can't go by hear say opinions, as that doesn't always give you an accurate picture of a person. As opinions are as varied as people are people.

Perhaps ask opinions of people who you trust the judgement of. People who you think are good people, but not too bad and not too nice. Someone who is good at working out what a person is really about and is honest while at the same time being humble.

Although, such people also may be pretty rare. Vicar with life experience, who has a lifetime of wisdom. I don't know.

Narcissists and psychopaths seem to be drawn towards Aspies, I guess because we can be easy to fool.

Some Aspies display narcissistic behaviours (for example as a result of Pathalogical Demand Avoidance) but it's driven by different things. Still best to give those people a wide berth unless you are very patient / tolerant and exceptionally good at setting boundaries. Assuming it's even possible to tell who fits in which category, which it very often isn't.

At the risk of sounding cheeky it's also possible your own limits on being given advice are different to an NTs. I know I find most unsolicited advice annoying and deeply patronising. And I'm a man, which means I don't generally have to cope with "mansplaining".

In defence of men, I think we're programmed to problem-solve rather than empathize. If someone is upset because a machine doesn't work, we're more likely to go into technical details about how to fix the machine, than offer any emotional support. That's true of NTs but even more true with Aspies, *in general* (awaits huge "I'm not like that at all" outcry).

Having said all that, the example you've given is too preposterous to leave any doubt. Anyone who falls in love in 3 days via the internet is either a conman or a nutcase. The question is, how to filter these idiots out, and put them off. Most people like this are immune to subtlety, so some very blunt caveats may be required in all your online activity.

I suppose I should add "I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, it sounds horrible". But that wasn't what sprang to mind and I don't like BS either, lol

Om Nom hugs

You say you're open about your Asperger. Do you mean that you have it written in a profile or something? That could be the root of the problem; the abusive types you've ran in to might think that Asperger will make you an easy target and one who'll submit, either because they think that you're naive or think that you may be desperate. Or both. Trying not to be so open about it could be an option. I'm not saying you need to hide it; just don't bring it up before having chatted a bit first.

Do they say they're autistic before you say you're autistic?

Are they open about being autistic - not just mentioning it in DMs but for eg if it's on twitter, on the timeline? Or for eg if he's on another forum, he's talking in forum posts about being autistic, not just in PMs. Or for eg if he's on here, he likely is autistic cos it's an autism forum.

I ask because I have two examples, one irl and one online where someone has told me 'I'm... too' then gone onto say creepy stuff or be incredibly manipulative. And on reflection, I think they were lying to get closer to me. They only said it in private and it was apparently a 'secret' or just something nobody else knew.

One of these was 'autistic' - I know once you meet one autistic person you meet one autistic person but he was far from autistic in typical behaviour, quite a manipulative guy actually who made everyone around him love him but who hated everyone & told me it all in private how he looked down on everyone.

If they are autistic, maybe they're latching onto you as a specialist interest. My opinion is that people should work through specialist interests when it comes to people in private & not involve those people & try to get specialist interests in other things instead.

If they aren't autistic and are NT or otherwise ND (sociopaths, psychopaths etc) maybe they're using it to latch onto you and take advantage of you.

Either way good on you for knowing your boundaries. Stay strong and stick to them.

I don’t like how it seems like men have to drink, smoke, get tatted up, and behave aggressively to get relationships with women. That’s what I witness in my cultural region and it makes me feel like women find me boring because I don’t do that stuff. It sucks that you are being treated badly, just please understand there are AS guys who feel similar to you as well.

I don't drink, smoke, have any tattoos, and don't act like an as*hole.

There are some women who have found me "boring"---but who cares? I find those who fine me "boring" rather boring!

One solution may be to work up a fake profile of someone close to you who works as a police officer and teaches mixed martial arts as a sideline, and then slip in an occassional mention of this character.  I know this is lying, but if the alternative is attracting abusive creeps who care nothing for you as a person, it may be your most viable option.  Nothing too detailed, just a few mentions now and then, something like...

"I was at my cousin Tony's dojo the other day, and he was showing three of the cops he works with a new choke-hold..."

My wife and her family adore me (for some unknown reasons), and I have been "adopted" by a few other families at church.  My own relatives barely keep in touch, and none of them have visited us for over a decade.

Maybe my relatives still think of me as a whiny, physically clumsy and socially awkward misfit kid getting beat up by bullies every day, and my wife and her relatives know me only as a slightly eccentric adult who prefers amateur radio and astronomy over drinking beer and watching professional sports on TV all day.

It is sad, but I had to move away from my hometown and family to find the love and respect I need.

I was pressured to do so in school and sometimes in my adulthood. I wanted to prove those people but I haven’t been able to. That’s a big reason why I feel hopeless about things getting better.

The women at work who don’t like me, both past and present, are very boring people and they used the fact that I have two doctors for parents as an excuse to be hostile towards me. Contrary to what they think, my parents don’t spoil me and spent the most on my older brother.

I think some people in an online context can be extremely drawn to an autistic person, whether or not they know that person's diagnostic status. Your answers are probably much more intelligent and insightful than a "typical" female's. So I can understand rapidly "falling in love" with an autistic person, online. Or even in person. A well-adjusted autistic person has so many pluses - honesty, fidelity, focus, alternative viewpoints, self-control - that they may seem very refreshing to someone who has struck out with bimbos.

That said, your goal in life doesn't have to be satisfying those who find you refreshing. You're entitled to find someone who YOU find refreshing!

I only posted this to point out that intense attractions are not always abusive people. You might really be that interesting to know!

Female here who has and does spend a lot of time online.

I absolutely do NOT disclose my ASD. It has in the past made me a huge target. And yes, men will lie and manipulate everything they can to satisfy themselves.

Just my opinion, but if they are on the spectrum too, for me, I can tell. I don’t mean that as an insult, but, well, they are my people-I can just tell.

I’ve tried “playing” with NT men online and I end up way way over my head. It takes too much effort to mask and I refuse to disclose bc they either run away or think I’m an easy victim.

I now only talk to men who are on the spectrum regardless if it is for intimate or friendship reasons. I have two dear friends that are both ASD. They are honest to a fault and I never have to worry about ill intentions. Plus, aspie men are usually hella smart and that is more attractive than anything.

I should add once I know for sure they are ASD as well I do disclose my own dx obviously.

I’d say find you a witty and intelligent ASD man and take turns falling down each other’s special interest rabbit holes! Now that’s true romance