I miss being a kid

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This is vague. It is a rant primarily for myself. If other people respond that's great but I'm not going to expect responses. I am being difficult cos I need to be to understand this part of my subconscious and this stuff.
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Fed up of:

Everything being in one clique or another and everyone always falling out over stuff nobody can change or stuff nobody wants to change about themselves

Everything having to be about the darker side of reality all the time. Yes, I like the darkness. The darkness which I like is supernatural & I don't believe in supernatural stuff. Or historical & I don't believe in time travel. Or just pure fiction. I'm fed up thinking about miserable irl stuff.

If you do switch cliques at all on stuff which is changeable, you are a 'traitor'. Stupid. I still liked my friends even when they disagreed with me and had different tastes.

If you ignore the darker side of reality then you are apparently a bad person and spoilt. Especially if you have high standards for how you yourself want to be treated.

If you don't work you are 'lazy'. No matter how hard you tried. Work and misery is the be all and end all. If it makes you ill? So what? Makes everyone else ill too.

Same mindset with buying stuff. Waste all your cash on stuff which is invisible or you don't care about. Fix your house. Don't dream about getting art for your walls or a nice duvet or things you'd like, just fix broken stuff.

Literally everything is about those cliques in some way or other. Either the trivial ones - which you're keeping vague, traitor - or the unchangeable ones which is really hard cos apparently you'll ever 'never get it' or the person you're arguing with will 'never get it'...

You have to spend your life cleaning and cooking even if you don't have a 'real' job. There is nothing impressive about this so do not waste people's time talking about it...
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I just want to go back to a life where I could watch talented football, play football and other games just for fun, read about stuff which is fun, talk to people about the whole world in a sense of wonder, forever be exploring and always be creating something new. Yes, I do my art but people aren't interested in that kind of thing - esp if it isn't professional standard, they just want to argue & I want to do the beautiful side of my house but I can't, I'm just fixing stuff. I just want to be open to new friends and have them open to me without anyone hurting each other and without pre-conceived notions, that or be allowed to be on my own cos I don't hate my own company like most people seem to.
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Gone off* parts of this site.

Gone off*/** twitter.

Not been posting my art online for about a year cos of judgmental people saying I draw like a child because I use bright colours & felt pens.

Found some other sites & I'm going to keep them apolitical, away from cliques I understand, & talk about other stuff on there. Keeping them private & separate and actually hoping not to get that many followers cos I want to explore the net & be left alone at the same time.

* Not literally, what I mean by 'gone off' is 'I am so fed up of'.

** How the hell can people spend all day every day moaning cos their team is s**t [read - second place rather than champions elect for the first time in a decade] and hyper analyzing everything? It is actually like autistic behaviour found in NTs cos it is obsessive but, unlike most specialist interests autistic people have, it is misery inducing. If I didn't love the team for reasons other than success, I would quit supporting it cos there's no fun to be had in such moaning. But it's not the team I'm fed up of, it's other fans and their whinging.

I don't miss being a kid. Being a kid was pretty horrible.

When I became an adult, I was very glad.

I think it's two things getting on top of me:

1 ridiculous moral perfectionism, and part of it being an NT thing where I'm scared to associate with the wrong people or not associate enough with the right people etc.
2 I have moved into a new house which is my first ever house to have full responsibility of and it feels like work is never done. Every day I have to clean something. Or something is broken and I have to fix it/get it fixed. I just want to enjoy the house.

As a kid I was pretty much aware of my gender but being afab meant there was room to do stereotypically 'girl things' and one of the girly things I liked was my dolls house & then later on I played sims. I wish moving house was like that. The fun of doing up a new place in the right style etc. Not just one thing after the other of really boring chores.

I don't feel 'grown up' enough for that. I doubt anyone ever is tbh.

Yeah, I get what you mean. Life was so much easier as a kid. I also miss being naive and not knowing about all the bad things that happen in this world.
It seems that no matter what, society likes to judge adults.

I knew about at least some of the bad things that happen as a kid.

I was supposed to be seen and not heard.

I knew about some of the bad things.

But I wasn't judged over stuff like football club as if it was 'throwing your hat in with the Brits/throwing your hat in with the Irish' til I was in secondary school. It was a free choice which team you liked and meant nothing more than that.

And I knew boys and girls hated each other (based on gender cos I was on the boy side) but ... I was hoping it would pass. Instead, we have a weird situation where most people are straight but men and women still slag each other off all the time...

I was lucky not to be part of the 'seen and not heard' generation. That would have been hard.

But honestly my mum is such a manipulative speaker that I still feel like I'm seen and not heard in reality - although I am allowed to speak. She twists words, cries at the drop of a hat, is a terf but knows I'm trans & will be over protective towards women esp women I love, sighs and does sad faces for no reason then denies it, and basically just gets her own way in language while acting like I'm the manipulative one for daring to have my own opinion on my own life.

For eg I just want a nice dark green kitchen-diner with Edwardian table and chairs and classic, maybe Renaissance, paintings up on the wall. She told me 'that would look dingy' and 'nobody does that'. I said 'I deserve to have the kitchen I like, for goodness sake, this is my house, I finally get to decorate however I like' and she cried at me and made out like I was insulting her and spoilt for not liking her lack of any wallpaper/paint in the old house and her IKEA furniture everywhere...

Eventually I had to comfort her cos she was crying her eyes out.

I can't handle crying people like that who twist everything to be your fault when it was them who was trying to control you. Like I said, I'm tired of dichotomies, binaries and cliques, I am fed up of man v woman or aspie v NT, but it does tend to be NT women in my life who act that way. Yes based on gender cos I've had a trans woman do the same thing

And my mother has objectively crap taste. No wallpaper or paint on every wall of a house for 3 years in a brand new house which has nothing to start with?! That is ugly and I don't like that I had to live like that. It made the house feel ugly and temporary. That weird cardboard 'wood' stuff rather than real wood? That is low quality & my book shelves collapsed & wardrobe door fell off & there were holes in the doors. She is richer than me but she is tight when it comes to home decor.

Yes some people are into 20th century minimalism and that is a choice but it is still made of decent quality stuff and the house is still painted white or given some kind of boring wallpaper. Not just doing nothing then acting the expert when someone makes an attempt at something.

This is my house & I want to make it the best quality it can be using my money. It's like I'm being hemmed in and infantalised.

But I do not want to be the person who makes my mother cry...

I miss being a child too in some ways. I don't want the problems of the world bearing down on me as they sometimes do now that I am old enough to truly understand them.