I had a breakdown today and did SH

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(TW: self harm and eating issues)

I was feeling like I was going to just burst with feelings for so long but today I had an argument with a friend that tipped me over the edge. It just conformed so much of my self hating beliefs and I just turned it over and over in my head until I felt like I would absolutely burst and I did something really stupid. I scratched at my arm until I saw blood and promptly freaked out and had a panic attack. It made me realise that I've been dealing with self harm for awhile but just never counted it because it never drew blood and it freaked me out and made me wonder what is wrong with me. I don't understand how I did that. It probably didn't help that I haven't eaten today because someone said something that set off my food fears but I just can't bring myself to. I've gone quite numb now too. My mother made me promise to tell my therapist and ask her for advice because I don't think I can go on unmedicated anymore. I'm just scared of feeling hungry all the time again like I was taking epilepsy meds because that's when I started binge eating and restricting because of the weight changes. Just in that moment I couldn't think clearly. I'm also scared that the GP won't take me seriously or I won't be bad enough to take seriously but I am seriously not functioning. I'm not doing work and I barely leave bed, I haven't showered since December because a mix of no energy and hating to look at myself and eating can make me cry and my intrusive thoughts have gotten so bad I just need to scream sometimes which makes me look a bit weird haha. I haven't eaten today because said comment from a friend triggered a fear of it and I know I'm going to get food guilt again. But yeah I think my mum is mad at me now and I'm in pain and I don't feel fully here anymore. I hope I can get some good help.

You said you are afraid that your gp won't take you seriously. By GP do you mean general practitioner? If so, my guess based on my experience with doctor's is that you could word things perfectly to your gp and they will not take you seriously because they are not mental health professionals.

If your GP tries to prevent you from getting medication you should definitely tell your therapist so they can handle it. If they suggest medication they should be contacting your GP to make sure that's carried out anyways, so I hope that doesn't happen to you.

I'm also very sorry to hear that you had such an intense argument with your friend and that it triggered your eating problems.

When do you think you can see your therapist? When you do talk to them, if they suggest medication you should make sure you mention your concerns regarding appetite and your restriction. A therapist should work with you to find a medication with possible side effects that you can handle.

I bet a nice shower would do you good.

I'm really sorry you're going through this stuff.

I've been very depressed. Taking a shower really helped it----made it much less.

((( Ivpin )))

Do you have a history of BFRB, as a form of stim? Or is your self-harm always emotional?

I'm so sorry that you feel so hurt and alone. Please make sure your doctor takes this seriously, and helps you to get the counselling and support that you need.

dear lvpin, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find a way to cope without self harming. I’d like to see your therapist, GP and even your mother work together to help you. There are medications that could possibly help you.

I hate taking showers, but I do feel better afterwards. The hardest part for me is just getting wet. I don’t mind being wet. I actually quite like it. But I have this awful aversion to getting wet.

Sometimes things don’t make sense. But it is helpful anyway.

What are you trying to get referred for again? I got referred for therapy by my GP, but it sounds like you already have a therapist so I am just a bit confused. Do you need to be referred to someone to get medicine?

I hope that your therapist can be helpful to you and that your appointment with them goes well.

I also agree that taking a shower can be helpful. I don't know if you don't like them in general, but feeling clean and physically refreshed afterwards usually helps me deal with things better. It's like washing the stress away a bit.

She’s in the UK.

Hello

You had a meltdown, which is very common with AS. The tension before meltdowns is called rumbling. Obsessing is also a common AS feature.
Unfortunately, if we hate ourselves, this radiates out, and people unknowingly sense it, some may prey on us.
You are not alone. I bite my wrists, the severity depends on the stress level. I have also punched my face black and blue. Once I gave myself two shiners, and my poor dad brown eyes looked like pandas with white eyeliner.
Some people break bones during meltdowns.
It's nothing wrong with you, AS people who have low self esteem are especially at risk.
Can you work on your self esteem? Work on what you enjoy and your positive traits, talents, etc.
Stress causes me to eat less.
It's not drugs you need, they are toxic to the body, and just mask feelings.
It's talking with your therapist to find the right ways to find that hidden good in yourself.
Food is a way of trying to gain back control, because somewhere along the line, we feel our circumstances control us, when in reality, it should be us in the driving seat of our lives. Just in that moment I couldn't think clearly.
Bed feels safe but indicates depression, there are other ways to combat depression than drugs.
Neglecting ourselves is also a sign of depression, the root of which needs to be gently identified and resolved.
It is vital we are as kind to ourselves as we would be to a fragile child.
Ask yourself if that friend is a true friend or a predator in disguise.
If the latter, find people who care for you. This post is a great start. I respect you for reaching out.
Mothers should be unconditionally loving to their offspring as you were once her baby. Maybe she has her own problems.
Don't let others personal issues contaminate you.
Most importantly be kind to yourself and it would be a good idea to show your therapist your post.