May need a therapist.

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Uhh but its annoying with the pandemic and all, I suppose it could be interesting to go while masked at the very least. But yeah seems all that insurrection stuff seems to be causing ptsd issues to raise their ugly head. Just seeing the lockdown stuff in the white-house hit kinda close to the school lockdown I was in. They are different situations but some of that just reminded me too much not sure exactly why but since I saw that stuff I keep getting invasive thoughts of the thing that happened at my school and I hate it.

Also seems some people around here have some left-over fire works I mean I expect them around new years or the 4th of July so I can mentally prepare for that and even enjoy them then. But I couple times people have just randomly fired off their left overs I suppose and I jump like a startled cat every time I can kind of laugh at it but at the same time it takes more effort than I would like to actually recover like I'll still feel rather anxious for a time afterwards. And I keep getting worse hypervigilance, like the other day when one of the store announcements came on I immediately thought of the overcom message at my school that warned of the as*hole with the gun and literally just kinda froze for a minute worried I was going to hear something like that. But it was just the usual message about employees and customers being required to wear masks.

I did find trauma therapy a bit helpful in the past, so perhaps getting a bit more of that could help. Cause also me and my boyfriend got in a bit of a tuffle over well essentially me being kind of a jerk taking things out towards him, but then I thought about it and realized that is a thing with the stupid PTSD is getting prickly and pushing caring people away. That is the last thing I actually want to do, but sometimes I suppose I have such bad self esteem I just figure I can't do any harm because what even am I to anyone. But that is not true if I am being self destructive and acting like a jerk of course he's going to be hurt by that because he cares. So yeah I know I can't just ignore it, just stupid because I thought I was over the worst of it but I already know if its rearing up now and I ignore it, then it will just be even worse later. And well i don't want that piece of crap who brought a gun in my school and did that horrible thing, taking up so much space in my head that it ruins my relationship. F**k him and his stupid gun, my life is mine to live not his to haunt.

Just not sure what I will find in the way of trauma therapy that is covered by my medicaid, but I suppose all I can do for now is look into it and find out. But yeah like I need some way to figure out how to work through it, when it was happening I had some kind of dissociation, like I think it was like the literal experience of being scared out of your mind. I only felt I was half there most of me was somewhere else so I don't even know exactly how I felt during the whole thing because I couldn't feel much of anything. Its like my brain drugged me or something as a defense mechanism.

Well I don't have an exact point with this thread, I suppose just kind of venting a little bit.

A therapist couldn't hurt so it's worth getting one if you can. Seems like a normal thing to worry about. But if it is interfering with your life then I hope you are able to get the help you need. You could even call a mental health crises line if your ptsd gets bad enough. Good luck.

A lot of mental health work is being done virtually these days - even for intakes. Call and specify that's what you want. I'm sorry you are feeling the need but honestly, it's just being self-aware, so kudos for that.

Don’t be afraid to shop around.

And if a therapist is not up to your standards then don’t feel bad about leaving them.

And if you have any concerns then report them to their clinic.

Also, if your therapist changes clinics a lot, then that could be a bad sign. And you have to choose how you will deal with that.