Single and Childless not by Choice

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I am nearly 40 and grieving the loss of the opportunity to be a husband and father. I could never get the chemistry going anywhere to meet a woman. I am angry and grieving the loss of experiencing being a husband and father. If I see a family while I am out and about it nearly brings me to tears as the grief tears through me once again. I keep wondering is it too late? No one has answers, I can’t find solid advice on how to meet someone. What can I do to ease the pain? Is there an activity I could get involved with? I love having an impact on kids in a positive way but I guess I will just be alone the rest of my life. Hoping someone has ideas.

People do get together when they're older, too! If that idea isn't what you want to do, maybe try coaching or teaching something! That's something that can have a really positive impact on children.

Thank you for your kind response, much appreciated! I feel overwhelmed by trying to figure out where to start. Is there a website or a contact number to start with? If I can find a good starting point then I think it would at least give me hope.

Several Aspie males (on this site) have found people to love and marry. But we have taken a non-conventional approach, not an NT approach. One of the positive attributes of Aspies is:

A relationship with someone who has Aspergers tends to be free from bias and discrimination based on race, gender, age or other differences. They judge people based on their behavior not the color of their skin, socioeconomic status or political influence.

I consider this to be a key in unlocking romance for Aspies. So if you are an Aspie male who has a job and can earn a living and provide for a family, there is no reason why you should not get married and raise a family.

The world is a massive place with many cultures. The reason for marriage goes beyond romantic attraction, it has to do with two people joining together to become one joining their strengths to weather any storm. So if the pond does not produce any potential mates then seek a different pond. Seek a mate with a different color of skin, a different race, a different culture, a different socioeconomics group.

Exactly what I was thinking. Anybody have any experience with getting pointed in the right direction in this area of life on one of the forums here on Wrong Planet? Yes I agree us aspies can potentially be great spouses and parents if the right match is obtained. The NT world especially in this aspect of life is totally alien to me, so regular avenues of meeting people in this way have not worked out. I just want to believe that I gave it my best shot later in life if the whole family and marriage thing does not work out. I’m just thinking that there are some other options to try in the next few years so I am just working on figuring this out.

Blue Thunder, it’s by no means too late. There are quite literally so many options. From incidentally meeting people through shared interests(dancing, art classes/groups, book clubs, online, helping out in the community, joining walking/hiking groups), get togethers for those on the spectrum specifically. Even if you’re someone who doesn’t like going out so much and you’re a homebody, there are people online you can connect with and get to know over time through messaging, writing etc. Relationships that begin on line can certainly lead on to “in-person” relationships. People on this site have met here and married.

This covid business will be coming to an end very soon, and life will return to as close to normal as there gets. Hope you find what you’re looking for.

Thank you, that gives me a list of options. I will start taking a look.

For men, getting old doesn't always mean no chance.
Just remember when you get older, you have less energy.

For woman however, it does get harder to conceive as they grow older, or at least safely.
Some woman however have defied the rules.

In addition, there are always ways to adopt!
As kids need love, care and support. And I would imagine, if you really wanted to, you could (unless you have any serious convictions that made you unsuitable).

I have thought about adopting, although ideally if I get the opportunity to raise a child it would be from a traditional two parent family. Adoption is an option worth looking into I think. Just as an aside,10 years ago I moved into a larger home and got a stable career in my field of study. I have learned some good life lessons about finding success living with challenges that I would like to pass on to the next generation if the opportunity should arise. Sure appreciate all the input here.

The only time it's too late to get married is when you're either dead or when your memory isn't working correctly and you can't really be considered to know what you're doing anymore. In other words, you should have plenty of time for that. Having kids is a little trickier, but since you're a man, you still have a good chance to have biological children of your own. Not that it's impossible for women your age, but it's less likely for them. You could still find a woman your own age or a few years younger (or even a few years older; it's not completely impossible) and have a traditional family.

Yeah, late 30s is too early to be giving up. My partner's dad remarried in his late 60s and has 4 kids from that relationship now ( ) - it does happen. But I get that you want to be young enough to keep up with them.

I have two thoughts. Firstly, careful about what you're putting out there. I've known a few people (and there's quite a few posting on here too) who have struggled to find a partner (aspies and NTs). You can get kind of bitter and down about it and it comes across, you know? People put out all sorts of vibes in all sorts of ways and some of these lonely people put out very negative vibes, like they blame other people for not liking them and then wonder why people don't seem to like them. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't seem like you're there yet, but you're clearly feeling downhearted about your prospects - beware of that, don't let it eat away at you.

Secondly, I think the idea of 'looking for love' is a bad way to go for a lot of people. All the best relationships I know are people who met each other doing something they love doing. They weren't looking, they were doing what turned them on as humans. When we do that, follow our bliss, we glow and we're far more attractive to other people and because we're probably in a niche, the people we meet are also into that niche and hey, you have something in common. That's the foundation of a good relationship. You increase your chances of success by narrowing the field and not 'looking' for love. That's what I think, anyway.

You seem to like kids generally. That's great because there's a real lack of men in a lot of kids lives. Teachers and childcare workers are often female. Is there something you can get involved with in that way? Is there something you could teach to children? A sport? Technology? Skills? That might be something you could throw yourself into and you'd meet a lot of people that way. Single mothers are out there, you know.

Thank you all for your feedback! I’m starting to poke around on the Love and Dating forum here on wrong planet and I see some good info. there. I just thought of a single lady I ran into just today I have known for years who is very nice. I’ve always been nervous about how to get to know her better. If anyone has tips about how to further a friendship with the opposite gender feel free to share. I don’t mind asking about such things at age 39. Maybe I’m just a very late bloomer, by nearly 30 years!