My friend is slowly killing her dependent husband

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I am seriously concerned that my Friend is going to drive her Husband to kill himself.

My Friend's Husband is physically and mentally disabled. He has autism, PTSD, arthritis, suicidal depression, skin conditions, anxiety, BPD, and DID, among other things. He is my Friend's legal dependent, he cannot work, and he has nowhere else to go. They were good friends before they married, but they married mainly because he was in desperate need of health insurance and was facing imminent homelessness.

He was very hesitant about this plan for many reasons. He is aware that he has many mental and physical disabilities and were not sure if my Friend was prepared to accommodate their disabilities. He made clear to my Friend that he would not be easy to care for, and that certain conditions needed to be met for them to be healthy. She assured him that those needs would be met when he moved here and married her. He moved +1000 miles and it immediately became clear that she was very wrong.

The house did not match the description she gave him before he moved here. If they had known what the house was like beforehand, they would not have moved here. When this was pointed out to my Friend, she became defensive and abusive, lashing out and deflecting blame onto others. I live with them and one other person as housemates, and she has been outright emotionally abusive and negligent. She pushes people away and shuts down communication. She is not transparent with her husband about their finances. She either plays the victim or abusively steamrolls whoever calls her out. She did not fulfil her promise to let him visit his home state at least once a year, and they feel detached from everything familiar that they know and love. She is acting like her husband's abusive mother, except worse.

The end result is my Friend's Husband feeling trapped and hopeless. His mental and physical health are worse than they have ever been, and believe me when I say that that is really saying something. Every day he becomes more unstable and suicidal. His physical health is deteriorating as well, because of my Friend's refusal to fulfil the standard of living they need as a disabled person (mainly dietary and mobility needs). Ever day I wake up and I worry I'll learn he drowned himself or walked into traffic. He already tried to kill himself once a few years ago.

I have tried many times, desperately, to convince my Friend to change her ways, make amends with her Husband, and seek psychological help. Because my Friend is herself very damaged and unwell mentally. But she shuts down any such discussion. She shuts down me, she shuts down her Husband, she shuts down our mutual friends (none of whom think her behavior is okay).

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm watching my Friend kill someone in slow motion. I'm watching one friend kill another.

She has already explicitly stated that she does not think it would be her fault if her Husband kills himself.

Help!! I'm so scared. I don't want to see my best friend kill himself because of my former best friend. I have no one else.

Well, the story smells fishy as hell from the very beginning.
What did she want to gain from the marriage? Feeling of moral superiority for sacrificing her life to a vulnerable friend? It's a common pattern of good-intentional-abuse because to feed this need, she needs to keep him as vulnerable as possible and she's instinctively doing it

I don't know if there is a way to get through to her. Confronting abusers rarely does anything good. Establishing boundaries and building distance can work better.
I'd focus on supporting the husband, help him build as much independence and strength as possible in his situation. Validating his feelings, even if nothing more can be done. Giving him focus as a person of them own, not just an abused husband of his wife. If he's willing to enter therapy, I'd encourage him.

I’m so sorry this is happening.

I’m wish I could offer good advice.

You say this lady is your friend. She’s certainly not acting like your friend.

Either she’s exploiting her husband; or she’s overwhelmed, and didn’t know what she was “getting into.”

Why can’t the man visit his own state?

Magz, as always, offers excellent advice. Focus on helping the husband. But be smart about it.

Why is he legally dependent on her?

She was his friend. They love(d) each other. I think she felt morally compelled to help them, since they were facing homelessness which would have meant death. It was that or move back in with his abusive mother who could not afford to get them medical treatment anyway. It is doubtful to me they would have gotten married if it were not for his mortal need for healthcare, but there was still the romantic spark there--at least until he realized how abusive she is.
I think you are right that she is not intentionally hurting him like this. She has just shut him out entirely. He has such severe PTSD and anxiety that her mere presence has become a trigger for him. I am much more mentally and physically abled, but I share his knee-jerk anxiety when she is near.

We have tried to build boundaries and distance. They sleep in separate rooms on different floors, and they avoid going to the other's floors. They communicate needed information to each other through either me or our other housemate. They are not on speaking terms.

I have spend almost the entire time her husband has been here supporting him in her stead. We have become very close friends. Maybe as close as I've gotten to anyone. He has said that I have been the only person who made living here bearable for him. I give him emotional comfort and validation. I spent a long time trying to consider both her side and his (because he has his own toxic tendencies), but I make it clear to him that I have no sympathy left for her.

Getting him independence is difficult, because he cannot work or drive. His arthritis means that he cannot walk for long distances (eg: walking around a grocery store), and need a wheelchair to do so. He will not let her give him rides for obvious reasons, so the responsibility falls to me. Our fourth housemate needs to get their license so they can take some of the responsibility on that front. That would be the best place to start, and we are working on it.

Sadly, he has severe trauma associated with therapists (their trust was betrayed by a therapist who told his abusive father things he should not have, with predictable results). They know not all therapists are like this, but they are in general very slow to trust. It would simply be easier for his wife to seek therapy, as I have been trying to do for years. She refuses for reasons that do not outweigh the serious reasons her husband has for being hesitant to seek therapy. He has already tried before. She has never even tried, even though she would be more receptive to therapy simply because of how much less damaged she is than her husband. She has autism, severe depression, and BPD. She is unwell and could really benefit from having someone to talk to. But still she refuses. I almost feel like I need to threaten or manipulate her into seeking therapy, because this is getting to be a matter of life and death.
They might have once been able to do couple's counselling, but they are well beyond the point of being able to stand being in the same room with each other.


No, she is not acting like my friend. Still, I am her best friend in this house, not that that is saying much. I have always been the one to try to defend her (until recently), even when I was the one she was abusing. I still play devil's advocate from time to time. She is my oldest friend. We are very devoted to each other. That's part of why it's so painful to see her doing such terrible things.

She is overwhelmed. They tried to make it clear to her how hard it would be to make this work, and she apparently just brushed them off. She has a tendency to treat those around her like idiots, and that she is the only adult able to handle these things. (Ironically, she is the youngest one in the house).

I worry myself sick over her because she has taken on more than she can healthily handle, but she has been so abusive, and refused to take responsibility for so much, that my concern is primarily for her husband. She is not at risk of dying here. Her husband is. If things fall apart, she can go back to her wealthy parents. He has nowhere to go. She was his last hope.


Already addressed this, but the big things are:
He depends on her for health insurance.
He cannot work, and depends on her financially.
He is too disabled to take care of his own basic needs. Our fourth housemate is effectively their caretaker wrt keeping him fed, helping him dress, helping him with paperwork, etc.
His home state (Texas) has increasingly become too dangerous for someone with their needs. Hurricanes, power outages, heat waves, artic blasts, flooding, etc. They miss home desperately, but going back would be a death sentence on so many levels.

I appreciate the input, guys. This is the most trying chapter of my life. And of course the stress of COVID is on top of all of this. And her husband is immuno-compromised.

Can he apply for some disability allowance and government-paid health insurance? I'm totally at loss about how it works in US but I think even there, you have things like that, don't you?

I was trying to find out if he was legally her dependent, ie, he had been adjudicated incapacitated and she was appointed his guardian. I am taking from your answers that he has not been adjudicated. So, he has the right to choose whatever he wants to do, but doesn’t have the agency, or ability, to do so.

He should be eligible for SSI or SSDI, and Medicaid, which is health insurance, if not a good one. If he has Medicaid, he can get free or very low cost transportation to and from medical appointments. So he does not have to be dependent on her.

I’m not saying these are easy answers, they’re not. But they fall within the realm of possibility.

It sounds like you and your household, except the wife, are working together to provide the care he needs. You are blessed to be doing that. Long term, it does sound untenable.

I am sorry this is happening to you and your friends. I’m sure it is a terrible situation for all. My heart goes out to you.

I understand it: they married believing it was the only way for him to get medical insurance and not land on the street - but the lady miscalculated the toll of such marriage and unhealthy dynamics grew between them.

I believe there are other options for him to get medical insurance and some support, like Blaze said, SSI and Medicaid. Then, with less burden and more space, they may calm down enough to decide what to do next with their relationship.

I don't know where you live, but I'd be willing to help you search domestic abuse helplines. Some are specifically for abused men, but gender shouldn't have to play a role. He is being abused financially, psychologically, emotionally, and physically, and now she's also gaslighting him. This is serious. The circumstance of how and why they married doesn't matter. They're married, she's abusive, and he needs help as a human being but also a disabled and vulnerable person.

Please let me know if there's some way I can help.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/help/in

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abus ... abused.htm

https://vawnet.org/sites/default/files/ ... ly2017.pdf

Is her abuse/neglect technically illegal? Can she be reported to authorities for actual offences that will result in regular follow ups from social workers to ensure things are safe for him?

Failing that, is there anything You have the capacity to do to assist him while ignoring her?