Wrote this mad. Must post anyway

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I’m so tired of not being able to be myself these days around you guys, or anyone else for that matter. There is a really pretentious vibe in the air these days and everything has to be so politically correct and so anal retentive about f*****g everything. I just had a guy, that I’ve always had a crush on, and he’s always known that, but does nothing to spare my feelings. I don’t want to go out with him anyway, because it doesn’t seem like the right match. He just recently put me down and, after being nice to me again for a while, basically shunned me again for like the third time. Actually come to think of it was more than that. For not being cool enough, pretty enough, seriously underdeveloped etc. He never said those things but I can just easily sense that is what he is thinking. The biggest reason probably is because I was noticeably uncomfortable to the point of being seriously on edge around him and I think that must of been weird for him. Still, I wish he would be kind and understanding enough to look past that,
maybe even try to make me feel okay. Without judging me for it. I can tell we both become frustrated as hell around each other because we both suck at communicating our true thoughts and we are both temperamental. He has always teased me just like my brother has. Or this guy I grew up next door to. Or my older male cousins. I get the feeling after a while that he thought I was judging him. He seemed ever so slightly defensive. Maybe that cool exterior of his is a bit fragile. I’d like to know what would happen, if I was just myself around him, and communicated my true thoughts around him and challenged him in some way. Would he get really angry or would he actually like that. It’s hard for me to know, because I don’t understand people all that well. So anyway this “friend” thought he would check in on me because I fell out with that crowd, some years back. They were apparently worried about me. I was doing just FINE actually until he started bugging me to visit him. Because I could sense the whole time how this would end.

I’m done trying to please everyone. I’m done trying to get people to accept me. My solitude is golden right now. I even told him that. That I had been through hell and it was mostly men that put me there. Followed by my own stupid mistake of trying to avoid the real world for as long as I possibly could. He didn’t listen anyway. Just was bored and wanted someone to hang out with. It was not the biggest loss hanging out with him. I learned some things about life, myself as well as other people. I learned how uncool I was, and that life itself has basically spun itself into existence to have sex. And that I am no longer what men want, because if they did want anything from me it was probably because they only wanted my youth.

I don’t care anymore if they don’t want me. I need to look out for myself.

Holy bloody hell! I'm soooo sorry this happened.

For what it's worth, he's full of shite and you're amazing. I mean that sincerely, Sarah.

Don't let this buffoon tell you otherwise.

(((( ))))

Thank you! I’m lonely again and disappointed. But I feel better today. I wrote several letters thinking maybe I should go over there and drop them off in his mailbox. But there’s no point in explaining things to him. Either we click or we don’t. And I get the feeling that even if it wasn’t the right time for me to talk to a friend, if it was the right friend, I wouldn’t feel friction there. It would either work if it was a true friend, or it wouldn’t.