Yep, I'm making super angsty annoying posts again.
I feel like I am for sure a faker. I never have a moment where I realize that I'm actually autistic. I really can't tell if this is right or not. I can't tell if I'm just so normal that I wanted to be different so I faked this.
I feel like I'm a master of lying and making people believe what I want them to believe. May sound strange, but I feel like my brain is a separate entity, some kind of selfish bastard that is controlling me and telling me "you're right" and "there's nothing to worry about" and somehow generating just the right attitudes and answers to deceive people.
Why am I doing this? Why? Will I ever know which person is me?
I'm supposed to look at a list of symptoms and be like "that's me", but instead I find myself wondering "do I do that, and if not, how can I make myself look like I do?"
Also I feel like if the diagnosis was true, I wouldn't be happy about it, because I would be "suffering so much".
I feel like I will ruin my reputation on this forum by saying how I truly feel, but everything is just getting worse, and I can't do anything I want because all I can do is sit here and think about how much of a faker I am and how devastating it would be if people "figured me out" or if I got my diagnosis taken away.