Hating Christmas

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To introduce myself, I am a 30+ year old adult with autism, unemployed, concerned with social isolation in the strict sense. With my health problems, I have no prospects for the future and I suffer from depression.

After Christmases where I have always ended up either in tears, or banging myself, or with suicidal thoughts, I am really afraid of this year's Christmas because I have never been so depressed in my life as I have been since 2020.
I am going through hell and no psychiatrist can take care of me until next year. I was on an antidepressant given by a doctor but I had to stop it because it made me more suicidal and that is indeed a side effect of this medication.
My best Christmases are days like any other when nobody harasses me to celebrate something absolutely stupid, to force me to eat things that my vegetarianism doesn't accept (without success), to have to receive or give gifts (I never do and I'm blamed for it even though I never ask for anything), but above all to have to see people I don't like and who don't like me in the name of a holy tradition, even though these people and I are atheists
I personally am not affected by any obligation but you know how it goes: others do not respect your choice and will decide for you.
As you would have understood, the further away I stay from Christmas, the better off I am.

This year I begged everyone not to mess with Christmas and while my horrible family seems to have respected it, my companion has been bugging me to see his family despite my multiple firm refusals.
My brother-in-law (who I can't stand) has a new girlfriend and I'm supposed to come to Christmas and meet her.
I think he changes girlfriends too quickly and I don't want to meet her, especially not during Christmas, it's way too early for me, it's even way too much.

Of course, I said "no" and in spite of everything, including crocodile tears from the mother-in-law, everyone will come to our house to pick up my companion who is going and eventually I, when I am convinced, we will be supposed to take the road all together. And I learned all this at the last moment ... it's a nightmare when you are autistic.
I don't feel ready to take on the fact that I have to travel in a small car with her and all my family-in-law. Carpooling for several hours makes me anxious because I am forced to socialize, plus I am car sick (and have a phobia of vomiting) and having to travel to an unknown place and meet unknown people is an effort I feel incapable of making at the moment.
Another complication is that I've been sick for three weeks with chronic diarrhea and I feel terrible... in addition to my suicidal thoughts.

I don't know what to do. I want to disappear. I hesitate to take a hotel so that I don't run into my brother-in-law's new girlfriend or even the rest of my in-laws before they arrive to convince me to take me with them when I just want to be forgotten and not talked to right now. But at the same time I'm afraid to do something stupid if I'm torn away from my known environment and my habits, I feel that I need it as I need my house.

I feel in danger.
It took me three days to write this message.

Well I'm glad you did write it.

I don't have much to offer you but sometimes writing things down can help put things in order in you head.

Christmas can be horrendous if one doesn’t like socializing. I’m sorry your family does not respect your decision.

I used to travel 350 miles to spend a miserable holiday with family. I mentioned this to a trusted friend and his reply, ... in reality, it's just another day, why travel when you know you will be miserable. I stopped going and just enjoyed the day cooking for myself.

Xmas is all about. the pretty lights and food

Can you tell them you're sick and you can't go? Your health is clearly in bad shape.