I feel depressed and suicidal. I dont want to live anymore

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I dont know where else to reach out for support since I have no friends in real life or online, no siblings to talk to, no one I can honestly reach out to.

My depression is so bad and severe im struggling to even write this message out given how empty and meaningless it feels to do anything but Im mustering whatever energy I have to reach out because being Autistic and a loser in real life I struggle to have anyone in my own life who will even notice me, let alone care about me

I feel broken and miserable. Very broken and miserable. I dont want to live anymore. I've attempted suicide many times this year, have been hospitalized more times than I can count, and have tried many different types of medication more times than I can count only to suffer worse side effects on the medication, get off the medication, and then go back to feeling miserable. The last time I was on medication was last week, which I got off of because the sleep insomnia and hellish nightmares became soooooo bad I just couldn't tolerate it anymore and had to quit it to survive.

Since getting off the meds ive stopped having sleep insomnia, but ive gone the other extreme because all I do is sleep everyday. ive become so depressed lately I struggle to get out of bed, struggle to leave my room, and its become so bad that ive been laid off my job from collapsing at work due to mental health induced lethargy and fatigue. I've even stopped eating and taking care of myself from how sad I feel

I genuinely feel traumatized, empty and broken from all of my insecurities, depression and the toll its taken on me.

Im friendless, socially awkward, ugly, but unlike other Aspies who compensate in other ways I struggle to. I have a learning disability, dyslexia, and ive failed college so many times even with a million extensions and special accommodations I barely managed to even finish 1 class, that I repeated 3 times, despite how nice my professor was and how I wasn't even working during the semester. 1 class that I attempted for the 3rd time did I barely just pass even when I had everything in my favor to pass this easy class

being bad at everything, having no friends, being ugly, and being unable to read properly due to dyslexia (I use a voice command software to even write this message and to read messages BTW, and even my favorite books like JK Rowling there were days when I struggled to read them so I had to use audio) its tortured me mentally and when I couldn't take it anymore ive tried suicide, but either flinched or failed. I would then go to the hospital, feel even more miserable there, leave, and repeat

Truth be told I have no energy to attempt suicide this week, nor do I have the means to anymore since emergency services in my area took away my rope after last attempt, however even without any means of attempting suicide I genuinely feel miserable and depressed existing and wish I could belong or fit in somewhere.

I dont know if ill even fit in here, but I dont know what else to do

Aw it's sad that you're in such a bad way. Have you read any of the other sub forums on WP. It might be a distraction for you to think about something other than your own mental state.

I mean I know you said you have dyslexia but some topics and posts are easy to read and get involved with.

Telecommuting jobs

"Beauty in the eye of the beholder"

Not everyone graduates college

Plenty of college graduates work minimum wage jobs. Unemployed and underemployed

please stick around, you have value that is unique, keep that thought. YOU HAVE VALUE. you deserve to be alive and this world would be diminished of color should you leave. you are a child of the universe and have a right to be here. don't pay attention to anybody who would be sufficiently impertinent to tell you otherwise.

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I don't want you to commit suicide though. You say you're sleeping more now, so just think of sleeping as a way of escaping.

Autism does suck. I hate it. I get depression that spikes, and on those days I feel really rotten like I don't want to carry on any more, and my depression is usually revolved around the fact that I have ASD and nobody else in my family does, or at least the ones that show traits still seem to make friends with their NT peers easily. As a very high-functioning female Aspie with good learned social skills, I should have more friends than I do.

*Sending hugs*

Sometimes dreams, even nightmares, are still better than reality. But I know what you mean.

I don't want you to commit suicide. Please don't. You're more valuable than you think. Do you have parents? If so, can't they phone for a psychiatrist or some sort of other help? Depression can be very hard, if not impossible, to snap out of. I don't like the sound of you being too weak to get out of bed. That's so sad. I wish I could come into your room and comfort you.

You have described a very dark reality…….it would be difficult for anyone to hold onto a hopeful perspective.After what you have written you are experiencing..Have experienced a very high number of different antidepressants.
Over the years. Prescribed by mainly only a few doctors . Have found that often,if they allowed me talk therapy in addition to the medication . I felt the most supported .And even though it did not get me out of my mental health situation. it did give enough support to go each week.( Sometimes even that did not feel enough, because often
Felt like had to make it through hour to hour.) My heart goes out to you. As often times there was little relief in sleeping for me . Had been through much trauma of many sorts. So being alone with my own thoughts.
Felt almost like a torture . Fighting hopelessness became part of my daily routine . And any relief was relief .
Suicide,became its own attraction .As time went on. A few of my various experiences with other Mental Health professionals. Showed me a different side of human nature in the Mental Health machinery . I had encountered
Several whom had been in the MH industry. Whom very much seemed Not to care for whether others were in pain , and from my experiences with them. I started to grasp the person that must care the most needed to be me.
All these things that had gone before in my own personal life, only seemed like torturing myself. This did not fix them or cause the changes needed to fix my way of really not wanting to go on existing . But it has given me a starting place to look at things from. Something different,than before. Now days am using sleep medication, to help me get the rest,I need to get up the next day.More than the antidepressants were helping me.Remembering to get enough quality of food in me. Helps to get me into another day . Having a very recent health crises with COVID.
And finding was so physically ill that all I could do as my breathe was completely starting to go away, was call a nurse and call 911,Which ended me up in a strict isolation room. On 24 hr a day oxygen and extremely strong
iV antibiotics several times a day and nights, Were I would watch my veins collapse.From trying to put these big amounts of medications into me. And many other support medications. Just to keep my airways open.
This COVID thing had come . And come with a MERSA infection ,in the form of complete pneumonia in both of my lungs Sometimes,when you have such a life threatening situation, it completely takes your mindset off of your
Mental health issues, especially if you are being suffocated every minute of everyday by something you cannot touch or grasp .it takes away that hope of relief by being suicidal.These people attending you in the hospital are doing the best they can to keep you alive . And trying different things to do this. Gives you a different point of view about survival. I read you had completed a class at school (college) With much effort. But if you can focus on what you have made it through successfully, even though it took much work. It does show that progress is possible ?
Hang onto what you can… what ever you can. Please survive….You are here with us, I hope you are able to stay with us

There is a reason why you have life. A reason why you are here. A reason, and that reason is a creative love.

you can fix your situation, Dmitri! you are smart and you can do it!

I just got kicked out and permanently banned from my autism support group because the girls hate me so much that they openly lied to the director making false allegations of sexual harassment, sexual innuendo and racism that I never once ever in my life shown them.

im done with this.

and I cant even express how I feel without some s**t f***s on this forum making me feel bad for depression and shaming me with posts like these: