I'm sorry, I only seem to come here to complain. I don't know why I find it so hard to remember this place when I'm ok and could support others. I am not OK. I am not like other people. I am not like the people I desperately want to be friends with and it hurts. It hurts a lot I can't share anything of my true self with anyone and I don't even know why. Even people who know I am autistic cannot. I don't know. I can't make sense I just hurt so much right now. I don't want autism. I don't want to be autistic. I want to have the 'sameness' that everyone else has and I don't want to be different, I don't want to think about harming myself every f*****g day yet never be able to tell anyone I still think about it. Because if I'm this broken how can I work where I do? How can I even appear to have friends? This is why nobody knows me on the inside. The person who came closest to knowing me on the inside was my ex boyfriend. He was probably not very good for me in the end (he was also autistic) because I felt anxious a lot of the time but at least he heard me and knew... most of me. And part of myself really panics that the reason I don't let anyone know me is because, deep down, there's nothing there, there isn't a self, there's just a nothing trying so hard to please others that it doesn't work, eating to hide the fact that I am a nothing. A big black hole of self hate. I really really want to cut myself to pieces right now. Ten years ago I would have done it and I would have felt better. But now I'll just eat, which is worse than cutting, because it makes me feel even more guilt and shame and self-hatred afterwards. And tomorrow I'll go to work, and pretend I don't feel this, and try to forget, because I can't bear to allow myself to feel all the time.
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Officially diagnosed with ASD Oct. 2013
Interests: Sherlock Holmes, Harry Potter, Arthur, education, names, geography, detective fiction, animals, especially dogs.
27 Feb 2022, 3:30 pm
