Is it bad that I don't have much hope for my father?

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First he gets badly injured in a fall and has to go to the hospital. Although he didn't break any bones, he must have inhaled something into his lungs and got pneumonia. Now my mother says he has to get a gallbladder operation. The way she said it made it sound it was no worse than getting a haircut and tells me several of my family members who got theirs taken out. I have an aunt who isn't much older than me and had hers out. I read about gallbladder removal on wiki and I just know my dad is going to have all kinds problems after the surgery. A voice keeps saying in my head "he's probably going to die. You know it. Everyone knows it. And soon so will you".

I'm just a very negative person. I don't know why, I guess I was just born that way. My mother has always been very optimistic. Maybe I'm not really related to her. She told me the world isn't going to get nuked, but she told me the Trump wasn't going to get elected, either. The world is horrible and getting worse all the time. Of all the nearly 5 decades I have been on this planet the past 2 decades have been the WORST. I am going insane. I can't stand going to bed each night not knowing if it's my last night alive. Or my dad's. I've been up until almost dawn and sleeping until 3 PM for the past two weeks now. I am keeping a utility knife wrapped up in a towel next to the bathtub. Having any kind of a knife nearby makes me feel somewhat better.

Not having any firsthand data on your father's health I'm in no position to evaluate what level of hope for him is accurate.
The more immediate concern is how much hope you have for you and the seemingly oppressive negativity which starves that hope.
The way I see it, a way needs to be found to at least lessen that core negativity and the apparently long term damage it has done and appears to continue to do.
Only when its hold is broken can the journey out of negativity start to make progress.

It's not bad to not have much hope if his case is hopeless. I waited many years for my dad to kill himself--probably since I was 12--and decades later he finally did. But, this was beyond my control and I had to accept it.

Do you feel powerless? It sounds like this is why the knife makes you comfortable. It gives a sense of power over all the catastrophe you fear. What helps me is recognizing and feeling any pain/discomfort/fear/etc. I have. Then I can focus on my own purpose and what I have power over. Otherwise, life is just impulse and terror.

I kind of understand. I often think about the worst case scenario for a situation no matter how statistically small. I just feel like I'm going to be that unlucky random outlier.

Mind you I haven't contracted covid over the past 2 years, so I guess I'm not always the worst case.

I know people who have had their gall bladder removed and they are doing well. I know no one who has had bad outcomes because of the surgery.

It sounds like catastrophizing much more than simply negativity. Or maybe you’re wanting the catastrophic?

Some find some solace in the “Meh….” middle. I would count myself among them. Same poop, different day. If it’s my turn to go, then it’s been real.

Just wondering about the knife, tho… is that your comfort in knowing that you can end things? Or a control thing?

My mother is going through something similar, in a way.

She's recently lost the ability to walk unassisted, and she had a gallbladder infection which led to a hospital stay (which led, in turn, to her losing the ability to walk unassisted because she wasn't exercising her muscles while she was in bed).

I hope things are better than anticipated for your father. I feel bad that you have to take a knife to bed in your own home.

I believe he's going to be OK. The operation is usually successful. I have a stepdad who's almost 92 and has survived several operations plus Covid!

Here's wishing him a smooth recovery.

We don't have much control over world affairs and I'm sure numerous people felt like you did during the height of WW2 when it seemed the Allies weren't getting anywhere fast before the tide turned. It was a terrible time before the death camps were finally liberated.

The difference today is that such similar atrocities appear on our TVs, phones, tablets and computers in real time making us all closer to conflict. In those times they just saw black and white newspaper photos or Pathe newsreels at the cinema.

My father died on St. Patrick's Day, how do I lock this thread?

Thread locked at OP's request.