Something I've never told anyone

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Hi everyone, it's me again. I'm posting here because I really don't know if there is a more appropiate place to put it, so here it is.

I'm sure some of you have already know a bit about me reading what I've posted but here's something I've never ever mentioned to anyone (and I totally should have, or maybe not): I do have Maladaptive Daydreaming. There I said it. And unlike others who posted about it, I does bother me A LOT. I've tried to cope with it on my own for a long long time with no success at all.

I'm well aware MD is not exactly very well understod as of know, but I will agree it may appear as a protective mechanism, I've seen it on myself far too many times. But I think it is time I address this a little, things change with time and what presumably once was a protective tool is now a problem in the way of moving forward.

Yes, I've been bullied (maybe not as extreme as many others but bullied still), yes my parents didn't exactly know, and still don't, what to do with the ASD. Still I'm not sure if I have any sort of trauma, maybe a bit, I get defensive very quickly sometimes for no reason, but in any case, I have nothing on why I started to daydream. I do know I started very very early in life, at like 5 years old or so, and yes, when I daydream I pace, pace relentlessly. Maybe I should put a podometer or somethig to count how many millions of steps I do.

Over the years I've been trying to figure out why I daydream, and sure, I've found out that it is triggered when I'm in a way or another anxious, angry or upset, sort of a scape valve. I've also found it gets triggered when somethig motivates or makes me happy, unfurtanately. It is extremely time consuming and weirdly or not, extremely energy draining as well. In any case, it seem to bring me to a neutral yet sort of depressed state, so if I'm happy it saddens me and if I'm depressed or mad, it soothes me. I feel like I'm talking nonsense but I know I'm not alone in this. One thing, I only daydream IF I'm alone, whith other people, not a chance I'll daydream. I'm also conscious most of the times when I start daydreaming, while there is a real need for it, it seems I can fight back sometimes, but so much foucs on not slipping aways, makes me not really doing anything else. If I get to focus on something, then again, not a chance of daydreaming, but if I disengage, and I'm alone, then that's another story. I found that I need to focus on one thing at a time and have a clear path of what to do during the day, given I have to chose between various options on what to do next, I'll daydream most likely with the bonus of forgetting most of the things I need to do. Worry not, they usually come back at night to haunt me and make me realise how much time I've wasted. I love you too brain.

I could go till 5a.m in the morning no problem and today alone, I've daydreamed a good 6 hours or so, and that is just... not good. In the past when I was in school maybe it was ok, my life was quite bad. But I had something clear, and that is things had to improve and somehow after the depression I'm sort of making it work. Still have no idea how but with the classic car, the plane, geeking out on computers and toying around with 3D printers I'm rather enjoying life now, I see it's worth being in the REAL world, it's actually better than my little personal so-called wonderland. However I missed on good oportunities because of daydreaming, I didn't had enough time to dedicate to some stuff because of daydreaming. I haven't done some stuff because of daydreaming. I think you get the idea.

Right now I'm a weird position, I managed to rebuild myself after the university disaster, and for the first time in a while I've defined a little professional path (and yes, I'm still aiming to motorsport if you are wondering, that's just my thing). But let's be real. I have a rare 80's laptop here to fix, already taken a part, I have to do some soldering on it and I'm afraid of messing up, so when I get to it, you gessed it, I daydream, nothing gets done. I'm bad at managing stress and anxiety, I think maybe I can learn to control it (or at least better than it is now), and that's important giving that I'm aiming to a high stress future. One weekend I missed on flying (I'm a sport pilot) because I was excited about it and daydreamed about it.

Another issue, althaugh I'm not sure if it is directly or not caused by the MD, is the fact that I feel like sometimes I could "be more present in the situation". For example while flying, everything is so pretty, the colors, the feeling, the vibration... I somehow feel like a part of me isn't there, so just try to focus more on flying and remember what I'm seeing. It happens on other situations too, but for what I gather afterwards, sometimes seems like I actually remember more than many, others just average. But yeah, this is something for later, now I'm interested in the MD.

There are so many things I could put time into to a great payback, experience or for the sake of doing something real, but no. For some reason this is one of the very very few things I am truly embarrassed to talk about. I've been tring to tell my therapist, I even brought up the procastination topic but never could build up the courage to go out and say "so listen I...". I do not know the reason behind it. Once I thought maybe texting about it would be easier than saying it in person but no. However here with the relative anonimity of the interent I found a bit of shelter which while maybe not very trustworthy, seems to be enough.

So what do you think of this mess? If I ever get to learn how to control myself better the daydreaming will go away? Do you think it serves some other purpose? I feel it is one of the biggest stones in my way this days, I really prefer reality, I can make it very very good for me, but that won't last forever, plus why should I delay it?

Really appreciate your input, just for reading this, thanks, means the world to me.

that is quite excessive, however people spend inordinate amounts of time watching TV or doing random stuff on the web. As long as you are able to pursue that career it hopefully won't destroy your life.

Well so far I've survived but my life could, or more appropiately, should be better wasn't because of this. "As long as..." doesn't cut it for me anymore, I want to find a solution to the problem or at least be able to control it to an extend.

It's quite simple, I want to live to my full potential, maybe I've been just lucky so far, but so many times I did stuff I thought I could never do, so wasting time in "poisonland" (I'm calling it that from now on) seems like a plain bad idea.

And about what other people do, I'm me and they are they. The fact that some people do bad stuff doesn't make it right for others to follow, same here. I may waste my time on something different, for other reasons and even argue my thing started when I had no knowlege about it not being something normal and for reason out of my control and blah blah blah. It doesn't make it right and it needs to stop. If life could be better, then why not? Funny how I thought as a child I had control over my actions... What a fool I was.

I won't lie, I'm not expecting a magical cure, but just talking about it may make me able to talk about it to my therapist and just having it in my head more often. So many times I've fixed stuff out of stubborness, I'll get out of this, sure a tad later than I shuld or would prefer, but hell sure I'll fix this s*it so I can then ramble about something else.

Last edited by SpaceMartian on 13 May 2022, 2:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You could pray about it? Cos this is one of those problems which the doctors get confounded over

Not to hurt anybody but pray is not an option for me. I'll reserve my religious opinion to myself, but I'll tell you that no god will do the work for you. Some are more lucky than others, but if you want something, you have to work for it, no cheat codes for that one unless you are really really lucky and win the lottery or something. Still even if I won the lottery that wouldn't fix anything, I'll just have a fancier plane, a Citroen SM and an easier time paying invoices and education (even if I hate university I'm still studing). Wouldn't change anything else in my life, which says a lot, I'm in a good place to start. I just need not to mess it up.

The more obsess about it---the more likely you will "mess up."

That's been my experience.

I agree, I've been a tad obsessed about my future for a while, I guess when I left uni, I saw myself as a failure and even today I still haven't fully recovered. Too much time has went "thinking" instead of "acting". I've been working on actually doing something, that's why I'm going back to uni (I think I should say hell instead ) for 3 weeks to get my MTCNA, and then I'm doing somethnig else if my wallet allows it (otherwise it will have to wait a whole year ).

But regardless of my future or past, Maladaptive Daydreaming has been right here being part of my day to day for far too long, time I act on that as well instead of daydream about how it would be not to daydream, that's why I created this topic

I understand.

I do "maladaptive daydreaming," too.

I also fall asleep at inopportune times at my library job

I understand too. Have you ever tried to grow out of it or do you rather like it? If it isn't asking too much.

As long as it doesn't interfere with me making a living, I find that little eccentricities add spice to life.

"Maladaptive Daydreaming," I would purport, could well be behind much original literature---especially of the "stream of consciousness" type.

I'm fortunate that I have an understanding supervisor at the library LOL.....all she does is nudge me awake, with a smile

Indeed very fortunate, but I guess you do good work, otherwise your supervisor wouldn't be so happy. I understand your point seeing it as something positive, sadly or not for me, I'm just tired of it, at the end of the day, anything you can dream of is made of the real world (well, ok, the world one perceives) and to me is never as good as the "real thing", or real for that matter. I don't see myself with 80 years telling all the good that never happend. But that's just me.

If I find I daydream too much, I just put on the TV----or I go on WrongPlanet----or I watch a YouTube video.

It's not necessarily something to be "ashamed" of---like autism is nothing to be ashamed of. You're not "less of a person" for having autism; you're not "less of a person" for being a daydreamer.

Just don't do it at the wrong times is what I say!

Indeed, it's essential that you make yourself part of the "real world," instead of being constantly in some solipsistic state.

In some other places I'm known as a space cadet. I zone out even during conversations.

I wouldn't have a problem with it if it didn't had an impact on my focus abilities, career and hobbies. It does have an impact and prevents me from doing things that either I prefer or need to do. Why haven't told anyone about this, I genuinely don't know. Seriously I don't. I'm cool being aspie, plus I'd tell those who for work or other reasons have to spend time with me so they can understand (which they don't, seems like it simply doesn't register in their brains).

That's next level. If there's people close I usually won't daydream, let alone during a conversation. I'm afraid other than get the idea in my brain of "this has to stop" and pure willpower, I have no idea what could help.

Being honest, just chatting about it makes me realize how stupid it is for me (can be different for others of course). Other times that alone has worked, I don't know about this time but that's my first step. I see it as a bad habit, an addiction that needs to be broken. I've never smoked, but I'd say this should be similar to quit it. Again, that's just me, and I can identify when I slip out (I think, will see how it goes). I'll make a conscious effort to NOT do it again and see how hard it is. I'll make sure to find good distractions to help me out (I'm looking at you broken 3D printer).

There's a movie about daydreaming where the protagonist zones out during conversations and at work. Too bad is the typical movie where *spoilers coming* at the end he finds love and that cures everything, like if things were like that. Typical Hollywood decivingness, but felt identifyed regardless. It was called "The secret life of Walter Mitty". I don't usually see movies but I do make exceptions for movies that I think I can relate too and maybe, hopefully learn a thing or two from another perspective.


Hope your MD doesn't trouble you too much.

Time for a little update, so far, no more pacing and wasted time, even if my mind still likes to give me the impulse to do so. Still daydream a little but only on oblivious moments like while getting dressed, showering or going somewhere, which is fine, I don't get bored that way.
I really needed to talk a little about this, I don't know why but just talking about it made something click and so far it's been for the better. Still, I'm not claiming victory just yet. This two days have been dreadful though, I'm starting to see why I liked to daydream so much, the work I have to do doesn't seem like much, yet the 3 main tasks I have to do are things other techs couldn't do and here I am eating the stuff nobody wants as per usual.
Still, while frustrated, satisfied with how things are evolving. I'm just a bit mourning a bit about all that stuff I've never learnt or done because of being in crapland. Still better now than within 10 years or never I guess.