I hate how ugly dumb cringe cowardly girly my personality is

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I watched Requiem For A Dream. Even though I haven't seen all of it I think it is a rather interesting film. But this one character in particular (don't pay much attention to peoples' names) is an embodiment of all the qualities I hate in myself and don't want to have. She is a fat old woman that is overly concerned with her physical appearance, she starts dieting but then it backfires she hallucinates food she dreams of food etc the doctors give her meth which helps her shed the pounds so she can wear the red dress and look beautiful and pretty on telly but then this guy warns her to not give into the pills, don't trust doctors/ medical professionals in general, because amphetamines are a dangerous kinda drug that must be used very carefully and responsibly and if she keeps on eating these pills to become skinny enough for TV then she is at much greater risk of dying.
It made me think of my cringey younger self. I don't want to be thought of as having these traits:
- short, fat, ugly, greedy, food-obsessed, gluttonous, curvy physique
- feminine, histrionic, loud, dramatic, attention-seeking, overly emotional, no logical faculties whatsoever
- trusts everything everyone says to them without thinking and has no nuanced opinions or critical thinking skills at all
- sleeps 9pm to 7am
- extremely religious and always trusts the government
- high-pitched voice
- low IQ, low mental age
- thin flat straight hair, close-set eyes, fat cheeks, tiny nose, round face, tiny hands
- very bad taste in everything. Music, fashion, pastimes, aesthetics, etc etc etc. Beyond uncool.
I want to be the opposite.
- tall skinny lanky pale ectomorphic angular
- masculine stoic quiet logical rational
- thinks for themselves
- nocturnal
- hates all authority
- deep-pitched voice
- high IQ and mature
- thick fluffy hair, wide-set eyes, skinny triangular face, massive nose, big hands

I know that spectra exist and that no-one is 100% the former and no-one is 100% the latter. I get the impression that literally everyone I meet, I mean everyone even my psychologist with a PhD even friendly people on non-judgmental internet communities, thinks of me as the former. People joke around with me, implying that I'm a religious nut, or that I hate drugs, and that I have an extremely stereotypically womanly personality.

I can't watch Moomins because I have too big of a crush on Snufkin. I can't watch the Simpsons because I have too big of a crush on Moe. And I can't watch any comedy programme for that matter be it Only Fools And Horses, South Park or Benidorm because I'm so jealous of whoever wrote the script, I envy their ability to come up with things that are so funny (although I once tried watching Benidorm while stoned and it felt so cringey and unfunny, only when I'm sober I can actually find it funny unironically). I'm extremely anxious that because I am unemployed and poor and because I love drugs and because I think I am possibly enneagram 6 then I reek of Jesse Pinkman vibes.

I develop crushes not just on real people but also on fictional characters in films, television, books, video games. If only I could partake in the media I enjoy, be it the interesting thought-provoking films such as the one specified in this post in addition to A Clockwork Orange or Harold and Maude, or music I enjoy it could be a Slint or Unwound song with deep lyrics or just a nostalgic 2010s pitbull or mumble rap bob, or funny television shows like the ones I mentioned earlier, or literally any fiction or literature novel regardless of genre, without feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious and jealous and like the worthlessest person in the world ever.

I don't see too many people mention bands like Slint or Unwound.