Anyone here act like a child in their mid 40's?

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Not me, I just turned 40.

My cousin is 43. Diagnosed bipolar, struggled with addiction issues for 30 years. But I Know from her behaviours like like nearly everyone on my mom's side of the family that she has a touch of ASD in the mix, too.

Anyways, she has her ups and downs - as is expected - and sometimes goes a year or 2 or so w/o falling off the wagon.. but then stressful things happen or she makes mistakes and life gets difficult (she's lost her place to live again.) and she goes back to being around toxic people and using hardcore drugs. No, not like she's hanging around a lazy person and smoking a joint.. I mean, she's around criminal element people, dealers, pimps, violent people etc and smoking fentanyl & crack. Just to paint a picture of the level of severity her life dips to at its low points.

Anyways, I saw her a month ago and she seemed to accept her adult responsibilities of having to find housing etc etc and deal with her problems head on - but I know her can do attitude typically only lasts so long.. fast forward to Christmas day and she's in full blown addiction again. Boxing Day I went and made a few family visits, saw some cousins I haven't seen in a year or two, wished them well etc despite some of their own issues blah blah and this one phones me asking if I'd use my ID and credit card to pay for a hotel room so she has a place to sleep it off before she can go to some friends couch for a few days.

Ummm.. how about no It's not below freezing tonight, there are shelters and warming centres and places people can go when the standard shelters are full, and failing all that for a few dollars you can buy a couple cups of tea and a pastry at a 24h Tim Hortons and just stay safe until morning and it's not going to cost me $214/night (at one of the cheapest hotels, they only had a kitchenette suite available) nor the risk that you or your extremely toxic ex that's with you destroy the hotel room.

It also irks me that she says she's asking for "help," or will call and see if her mom will "help," her when IMO that's not the case. You're not asking for help, you're asking for a handout/someone else to do things for you because you're a total mess and not doing the basics for yourself. Like wtf? The drugs you're on right now weren't free - obviously you and that loser had some cash. Maybe should have thought about food and shelter if those were priorities for you.. or transporting yourself to a shelter, emergency weather centre/warming centre etc vs. being all f****d up on drugs and not wanting to walk, take a bus or train, make phone calls etc and get yourself in out of the elements so you figure you can just phone me, I'll cancel my plans and drive to you and spend my money to make life easy and comfortable for you for a night. lol no. Be uncomfortable for a night and then go to detox/recovery or whatever you gotta do.

She whined that our uncle wouldn't let her stay at grandma's old house. I told her he's become a total germophobe during covid (true) but it's Also true that he doesn't need her problems coming to his door step - everyone worries that if she doesn't rob them during her addiction that someone she knows might rob them or home invade them etc and these people are all ~70 years old with normal lives, families, homes, possessions etc. The one of her 3 kids that talks to her won't let her stay for the same reasons.

It's like wtf, you're 43 years old.. what makes you think you can just act like a total child and everyone's supposed to drop what they're doing and spend their time & money to bail you out? You're not a kid anymore. Your mom's done with this crap, your uncle's over it, I don't have the time or energy for it in my life, your kids aren't interested - even the one with similar issues off and on as they're trying to be better.

I have much more empathy and compassion for younger people who end up making mistakes and in rough spots and need help, guidance, love and caring etc - especially when they're making legitimate efforts to better themselves because they want to live a better life. But when you've been doing the same stupid s**t on repeat for 30 years it gets to be a little much and my patience wears thin and all I have to offer are kind encouraging words, the names numbers and addresses of places that can help deal with your immediate need for shelter etc.

But then I take a deep breath and *sigh* and wonder if she's kinda mentally socially perpetually trapped in a childish mindset and she's only ever really matured on the outside so we expect her to act like the bare minimum expectations of a fully grown adult. Maybe those adult expectations are a bit too high.. especially knowing she has early onset dementia from drug use. But still, it's like she acknowledge a month or so ago when she was in a better mental space.. she's a grown woman and needs to deal with her own problems.

And really truly I think a part of the problem is that her grandmother, mother, uncle, myself or someone else has ~almost always bailed her out of some situation she's gotten herself into or another so she's rarely been forced to make responsible adult decisions. Her loser ex husband refused to buy diapers/milk, so she'd call me and I'd go. She needs to move Right Now, family goes. She needs a place to crash or detox or some clothes, grandma feels for her and goes/lets her come/buys her stuff. etc. I think only now, finally, at 43 years old she's realizing she's burnt a lot of bridges and everyone is sick of dealing with her s**t every time she f***s up.

Ok, sure, her father died when she was young. Her older sister died 2 1/2 years ago. She's experienced some pretty traumatic things. etc. BUT, so much of it is self destructive behaviour and her own choices to be around people she knows she can't be around and not use hardcore drugs and have all the problems that come with that.



Partially just venting to get it off my mind and not think about this nonsense the rest of the day, partially seeking feedback from those who may feel like they legit never grew up and could never function at an adult level in order to maybe have a bit more empathy for her situation vs. just wanting to wish her the best and ignore her. I'll likely strike some sort of balance and follow up and see if she's contacted other shelters, or if she's going to go down her list of detox/recovery houses and start from square one there again - remind her that she has options and choices and needs to take action and take control of her situation again.

One of my uncle's called me this eve to ask if I'd heard from her in the last week. Yep, a few times - so I filled him in on my interactions. He told me about his with her.

Basically, she's getting a lot of "no's," all around. Maybe for the first time in her life. She's always seemed to get someone to bail her out of whatever situation she gets into. But this time the independent thoughts and consensus is Ummm, no.. deal with your own crap. Call a detox centre and then a recovery house/different shelter etc no one wants to deal with your drama, addicitions, risks of theft/other undesirable things that come with all of this. Nor should any of the family have to spend $$$$ or even just simply be burdened by all of this crap emotionally.

Ofc she goes on fb and whines that Jesus hung out with the poor and wouldn't turn his back on ppl in need blah blah blah - okay cool.. God helps those who help themselves; get back on track and there are various gov't and non profit/charity organizations that will help you, but straight up no one wants to deal with you and your toxic friends while you're on a bender blowing every cent of your disability check on up & down.

/vent

I act like a child in my mid 50s.

At best I'm 14.

Like I said to my uncle, sometimes I wonder if her decision making maturity kind of just peaked around 8-10 years old or something and that’s a part of why she does the things she does.

Actually serious.

I didn't mean to suggest I act like your cousin. My kind of "acting young" means that I didn't develop social or emotional skills beyond about the age of adolescence. I've still taken on a lot of responsibility, particularly as a single woman owning a house, working full time in a professional career, and raising kids all by my lonesome. I don't take drugs or expect anyone to take care of me. In fact, because of trauma, I'm afraid of being vulnerable or needing anyone -- and that's a bigger problem than the fact I feel like a little kid in a sadistic life of adult masking and role play.

When I act like a child I mean that I still dress like one, I watch the same TV shows (esp. Flintstones), and I stim the way I did when I was a toddler. I get all wide-eyed about Santa Claus and I believe in magic. People don't know that side of me because I have to batten the hatches and dissociate when I'm in adult company, but I've never felt like an adult for one day in my life.

I'm sorry your cousin is dicking people around like that. She certainly needs "help" but I agree you aren't her saviour and she needs to get that help from professionals. I dated a drug addict who became homeless during our relationship, so I know how hard it is to watch someone scam others for money and support. Mine ended up suing me for financial support despite the fact he had stolen from me and my children. It was a proper nightmare. I also have a cousin who acts kind of like yours, although she started out rich and glamorous before losing her kids and living in a garage with her dealer. My son's bio mother is in jail for drug trafficking and it's not the first time. I'm very familiar with the dynamic.

Please don't enable your cousin's behaviour. At this point her drug use and instability needs to be addressed. At best, your family might do an intervention but whether she's ASD or not, it's not your job to fix her.

She's been cycling through this crap for 30 years. No intervention from anyone is going to change that. I think this time might be different in the sense that she's getting the cold shoulder from everyone - including the one of her kids that speaks to her as they're trying to be better in their life and don't want the drama that comes with active addiction. I think if any family "intervention," is going to help it's going to be her realizing she's burnt every bridge to the ground taking and taking and taking and people don't have any more to just keep giving while she's in active addiction and making poor decision after poor decision. That might be the reality check she needs to go to detox/recovery because she's not going to find a family member's couch to sleep on.

She did tell me she was going to be able to crash at a friends for a few days, so maybe she's there. But after that 3 days who knows. She belongs in detox/recovery again.

Heavy drug use left me behaving in an even less mature fashion than I did with just the impact of autism. As a kid I learned how to manipulate adults to compensate for physical disadvantage, a largely crude and subconscious set of strategies which I gradually discarded as my frontal lobes gained control.

Being permanently high later in life re-connected me with my old tricks and, coupled with a still semi-functioning adult brain, I found I had an incredibly powerful tool to get what I wanted with next to no effort. I was playing a completely different game on my own terms and I couldn't lose in that situation, people just crumbled before me. It was incredible what I could get away with.

I can see this happening now in wider society in areas that have decriminalised or legalised drugs, especially among the middle class who have the language skills to push the boundaries even further.

Not so easy to pull off with ageing physical features though. Then you're on your own with your own set of demons and your own cross to bear.