Trying to not be dependant on validation

Post Reply New Topic

I'm someone who reflects on my life a lot and struggles watching people hit different steps that signify becoming more adult ahead of me. I try to remind myself that in some areas I was told that I will develop a bit slower.

Currently watching my friends be in relationships and while I currently have no interest in that (I haven't been attracted to anyone for a few years anyway) I keep thinking far into the future and panic I won't be able to if/when I want to as I've never known anyone to be attracted to me let alone the idea of someone falling for me. It's something that makes me feel like a freak.

I've realised this makes me very vulnerable as honestly in the past I've put up with being treated like trash by male friends because I thought I needed to keep these friendships to prove myself worthy. Looking back I think they have sensed this weakness and I brought out a bad side in them. I find they enjoy upsetting me, especially by ignoring me and talking to my friends to emphasise this fact. I've basically had to deal with what people do in a toxic relationship but minus the relationship part lol.

My breaking point was when I was listening to a podcast on incels and when they were explaining how they felt I related so deeply to it, except for when they turned that feeling into violently hating people who were unsuccessful.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and having this thing control my life. It's very entwined with my eating disorder as I deal with the feeling of feeling bad that no one has liked me romantically, and being disgusted by the fact that anyone could, gaining weight to try to shield myself from that.

Does anyone know any way to become ok with the fact that there's a chance I will never have a relationship? I want to be able to find some worth in myself instead of outside validation. Then I wont make myself a target.

On the one hand you say you want a relationship but then you say you don't

Precisely.

Well, you're funny,if that helps.

I've known a couple of women who gained weight cos they didn't want unwanted attention or something. But I ended up getting into a relationship with one ,so she wasn't totally against the idea.
It's.....
Very complicated

Traditionally, I think people who remained single beyond 30ish tended to have a stronger relationship with god and would find meaning and purpose in serving their local community and/or playing an important role within the extended family.
With the collapse of religion in the west, families drastically shrinking in size and communities fractured, there's far less opportunity now to become involved in the fundamental basics of human existence that lead to a sense of well being.

TBH, I did something similar because I hated being touched, so it's hardly just women. But yeah, it's a strategy, I'm not sure it's the greatest strategy unless you're looking to not find any real happiness in a relationship though.