I Want To Die

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I really cannot handle things by myself anymore, I sooo hate being alone, have to do everything myself, I’m not good at it. With my Learning Disability that makes everything sooo worse, I feel more stupid in some ways. My apartment building manager was here today, she told me I need to take out my trash & clean up the cat litter on the floor, I tried to get help, she told she will come back Friday. I got really lucky, my friend she called someone to come over Thursday to clean my apartment, I’m paying $229, it soooo high. I still want to die, I keep having meltdown, I feel like I’m going stop breathing one day.

Hang in there kitty. I am also having thoughts about death most days at the moment and it's pretty scary.

I also have ALOT to handle, not only that I have Aspergers & Learning Disability, I have Cerebral Palsy, Dyslexia & Psoriasis, I have health problems too, I think I have Fibromyalgia, my mom had it, I have arthritis too, I don’t know what kind. I have colitis too, but I have not had colitis in years

Stay strong Kitty

I'm sorry fren. Hoping this situation gets resolved quickly.

Honestly, just hang on. Having known several people that murdered themselves and possibly prevented another, these feelings do pass, but when all is said and done, we have what we have and if we aren't looking for the bits of joy in or day, then it doesn't much matter how much you have, it can be very lonely indeed.

The problems you have are not easy ones, but there probably are times when it subsides and something to look forward to at points. I used to list the people that would be hurt if I murdered myself and then just kept putting one foot in front of the other until the darkness passed. I don't think anything will make those things easy, but I'm sure there are things that can make them bearable.

Good luck.

Try to find joy in the little things. Or at least make a list of things worth staying alive for - it can be anything at all, it doesn't have to be complex or profound. For me it's mid-day resting under the tree in my yard.... the joy and emotion of music.... my pets.

Do one thing each day. Then, it won't seem so overwhelming.

This could be a pretend plan:

Mondays- tackle the trash (or even the trash in one room)
Tuesdays- Kitty litter
Wednesdays- pick up clutter
Thursdays- vacuum
Fridays- laundry
Saturdays- grocer
Sundays- relax

and repeat.

I do something similar in that I do one thing constructive. If I don't, I get overwhelmed and won't do anything. Sometimes it's just scrubbing out the sink, the next day I'll do the commode, etc... My house is never spotless, but it's not filthy, either. And as I've built up a routine, I've been able to add more tasks on days when I'm feeling especially chipper. Somedays, I just get a shower. That's no small feat.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you'll start to have more confidence and be less sad as you complete your one thing each day.

You could have a little robot vaccuum driving around cleaning most of the floors and then you just have to be able to pick it up and empty it a few times/week. As long as there's no clothing/junk all over the floors to be caught up in it, it can do a pretty good job. Then you don't have to sweep, bend over much, or push a vacuum around - and while it won't be absolutely perfect around every edge, it'll look so much better whenever someone comes by.

They're inexpensive & someone else on here pm'd me to offer to help pay for one for you. If you send me your name and address I'll order one to you from Amazon. Then you only have to empty the little collection container part of it into the garbage and manage to take your garbage out.

I see posts on Facebook from disabled people requiring caretakers to come help them out in the mornings or once in a while. Usually they pay $25 or so cash per hour. You might get lucky and find someone in your building willing to come by once every week or two just to take out your trash and do a 5-10 minute clean of things a robot vacuum misses, or spend more time to clean a bathroom etc. If there's someone nearby that needs a bit of extra money you might get lucky and have it cost you a lot less than hiring a professional company to come in for $229. It's worth a try looking on local FB groups or even posting an ad on a bulletin board in the building if you have one of those. Maybe you could ask around via your building's strata group even.