About to turn 40 soon. Pros/cons of my life

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Pros of my life at this point:

- married, have 4 kids and 1 on the way. I like being a dad and husband.

- Have a career that has great work life balance and enough pay to have a solid middle class lifestyle

- The pandemic has been a major plus, now I work from home permanently. Before the pandemic I was commuting 1.5 hours each way. No more! Biggest positive in my life.

- Have some hobbies I am able to do more. Always wanted to make a strategy game done - its out. I need to get it on iOS as its designed with casual users in mind. I got an awesome guitar collection and time to practice daily.

- Have a house and mortgage and all that

- am finally at the point where I am contributing the maximum allowed to my retirement plan

- don't have any major health problems.

Cons:

- My weight keeps yo yo'ing. I am great at losing weight! Also great at gaining it back. I like beer too much. I keep giving it up, then reaching a point where I go, "life is short and I don't want to go without beer!" Problem is I love beer too much. I start drinking a few beers and I end up staying up to 1am playing guitar or listening to music.

- 5 kids is a lot. Two of my kids are nonverbal autistic. I worry a lot that they will never be independent. I can't save enough to give them enough money to never need a job. I wish I could. The two older ones drive us crazy and have literally ripped holes in the walls. They poop and pee on the floor. They do go through phases of being potty trained but then revert. We have to have locks on all our doors - even closet doors. If they get into a closet they will just dump everything they find on the floor.

- Having hobbies/passions you do on the side can suck. I am good enough at guitar to be better than average, and feel the "desire" to want to put more time into it. I see people who are amazing and want to get to their level, but I can't because I have a day job. Same with the game - I think had I the ability to work on it full time and money to invest in it, I could make a decent selling game.

- My job is really boring and unsatisfying. I'm stuck in it. I can't leave. I am at the top of my career, realistically. If I switched to a different field, I'd take such a large pay cut that it would be worse than staying and just finding ways to deal with it better.

- My wife consults but most years makes very little money. She puts a lot of time into it. Sometimes I wish I had married someone who was more... "figured out" in that area. Its nothing against her personally but it puts a lot of stress on me to have a partner that doesn't make money but also spends a lot of time at not making that much money.

- I am somewhat coming around to thinking that maybe I am an autistic person that fell for someone that is high in narcissistic traits. A few times I have overheard her talking to others when she didn't think I was listening and wow, she is amazing at talking her self up. People leave a conversation with her thinking she is this amazing businesswoman who is making all this money. One of our neighbors even offhand said to me, "things will turn up for you!" because he thought my wife was making the money and I was unemployed (because of work from home).

- Bills. Geez. Despite having a good salary and all, it seems like we can't get ahead. I did the calculations on my retirement plans and despite now giving maximum, it still says I will work till 67 and even then won't have as much as I would have thought. I feel like even if I retire, I will die the day after/before (before would mean my wife gets life insurance payout!). Even if I make it to retirement, it won't be lavish. Hardly a big complaint, but it seems like the generation before me did better in retirement.

- My wife says if her mom dies before her dad, we will have to take care of her dad. He's going senile. To make it more fun, he is obsessed with guns.


Conclusion:

On net, things are going well. I need to walk more and drink less beer. I've more or less accepted that the person I married will never make that much money while at the same time spending a lot of time at it. I've accepted I'll never be a musician and I'm unlikely to be a successful game developer. I will keep trying for a little bit longer. I plan on putting my game on iOS soon and if it fails, I will move on to another project. I did get better and learn a lot.

I guess this is the age that men decide to work more and become one of those "all about my day job" type people. Its honestly the main thing that keeps all this afloat.

I don't know what to do about my kids. But they are healthy so I can't complain much.

Thanks for listening to me think out loud. I do feel better.

Either you live somewhere exceptionally inexpensive for housing/utilities/groceries and/or you have a multiple six figure salary to be able to afford to pay for the things & expenses you have.

Other than that, sounds like you’ve accomplished quite a lot to date even if you never sell a game or play guitar professionally. Even by just continuing to work away and pay bills to support your family you’re achieving successes most don’t, so don’t discount that as some sort of consultation prize just because it isn’t the game or professional rock star status. Still a big deal.

Many fathers/husbands are either unable or unwilling to support a family of 7. Hell, with the cost of living today many can’t support themselves properly solo never mind dependents!! Add a gf/wife into the mix and many couples are barely making it month to month and couldn’t dream of being able to feed and clothe even one kid never mind 5.

So, take pride in that like you sold a game or played to a stadium crowd as it’s an achievement most cannot manage.

I only have 1 kid, have a combined income of 6 figures, live in one of the lowest cost areas in the country, have my house paid off, and can barely make ends meet. You must be doing something right financially! My wife spends a lot of money, so does the daughter. They never "do without". That is my assigned role in life. Wish I had more money to spend on my hobbies.

I am not "all about the day job." I can't make my work rewarding or fulfilling for the most part (but it does have its moments). I go to the gym and life weights and exercise to get out of the house and away from the family. Also walk a lot at night. I am in some of the best shape of my life. But my running times have sure gone down once I hit the 50s.

Damn. Combined, we are doing great because I am in poor shape. I really let go these past two years. I am considering joining a local gym. I used to walk 3-6 miles a day! But I have a hard time doing that now.

What about savings contributions? Are you in US with the 401k?

I complain about money because if my wife had the job she had when we got married, we'd be swimming in it. She quit her job as soon as we got married because she wanted to work for herself. She has had streaks of making lots of $ but for the most part it has not happened. It affects my career because I have to have a work from home job to allow her to do her thing. I could make more money if I didn't have that restriction. She also wants to move to Florida for some reason and I keep saying no.

I learned early on in the marriage that she is "overly optimistic." If we got approved for a mortgage for 600k, she'd want to buy a house that was 600k. It was me that was like, "no, we are going for a 300k house." Its insane how much they approve people for.

Its the same with the kids. She wants a large family (and we have one). After the 4th, I was like... heeeey I think we should stop. But after the 4th, she wanted another baby in the worst way because kid #4 is really easy (I admit, he's the coolest baby we have had). I actually told her I wanted to hold off at this time and thats when she told me she was pregnant.

Our finances didn't get better until recently. I reached the top of my career, or at least the top for me. There are higher paying roles in my career but I am not likely to ever get them. But anyways, I work at a major bank and reached "first vice president" rank which means I get a large annual bonus. The bonus is key because what tends to happen is by the time the bonus comes around, we both have a few thousand in credit card and that wipes it out, and we can usually take on a home repair that's needed.

Its a well paying career. But, its very unsatisfying. I don't think my job should exist. My job exists as a layer of insurance for the shareholders. My job is to help prevent any regulatory action against the bank - thats it. If there is a regulatory action against the bank, in theory they might replace some of us. Because of that, everyone is stressed out about minor things.

We write these documents and people will obsess about wording because its very vague as to what could get regulator attention. Did you accidentally write June 12, 2021 when you meant June 12, 2022? Oh ok thats probably going to be a question from a regulator or internal audit - or both. It will be 2 meetings with your boss and the regulator/auditor talking about why you wrote that. Maybe they are ok with your answer maybe they go, "ok we are going to issue a "regulatory finding." In your head you know that if you cause too many of those they will push you out.

The average person in my field lasts two years before they move out of it. Most people can't take the stress of that sort of stuff. Somehow, I've managed 7 years in it. I guess I like the "game" of regulatory back and forth. But I now work at a major bank as opposed to a "medium sized" bank and the regulatory scrutiny is like 5x more. Everything I do gets looked at by lots of people and its "why why why." Over time, you gain skills in answering the "why" over the skills needed to do the "what." It sortof locks you into this field.

But the impact careerwise is if things are going well you feel like you are doing nothing. Its the security guard effect. If you never get a robbery in the store, its boring. But on the other hand, you don't want a robbery. Still, its hard to feel justified when there are never any robberies.

I don't think the job should exist because I disagree with the regulations that require it. Those bank failures these past 6 weeks? In theory, they are supposed to prevent them from happening. But I can tell you this - my particular job would do jack squat to prevent the bank from failing in that particular way.

Anyways I took this job to pay the bills, and I told myself I wouldn't be doing it in 30 years. My wife keep saying "I will make a lot of money someday and you don't have to do that job" but I know thats not going to happen. I don't tell her that of course. Its just sinking in at age 40 that this career is something I will probably be doing for the rest of my working career.

Aaaah, you live where houses are $300-600k. Can’t buy a condo in many neighbourhoods for that anymore.

Tear downs are over $1M. The normal 15yo house in the suburbs that I live in is ~$1.8M.

Game changer on what people can afford in terms of housing & dependents when someone can still buy a livable family House for $300k. That’s not even a down payment here anymore.

My house if 1800 SQ FT, 2 bathrooms, 4 bedrooms but it could be marketed as 5 bedrooms. Valued around $130,000. It is in a pretty good part of town, good school district-at least for elementary school. 1 1/2 blocks from a nice local part. The kitchen is small and so is the yard. I hate yard work so that part is nice.

Amazing at the different property values in the continent. My property taxes last year will $1050 for the entire year!

It's my parents house, for the record. I just rent a room here - no way I could afford it. They got a smoking deal on it brand new 15 or so years ago for $450k - it was 50k off + no tax as it was the last house in the development that the developer wanted sold so they could move on and market some other neighbourhood, so around an $80k savings. Being that the side of the house is right on a main road, it was the cheapest on the block to begin with - each one $10k more up the block. It's 3 floors, 3200sf, 2 car garage, came with an unfinished basement my father finished, 3 bedrooms up + one built in the basement, 3 1/2 bath, and is on a postage stamp of land so there's a decent sized cement patio they had expanded and a glass roof put over but then the actual backyard grass is like 10'x35' approx. Fast forward 15 years or so and it's worth about $1.8M and property taxes cost $350/mo & rising.

This is in a region where the average Household income is $82K gross. (Well, IN Vancouver, probably less out here in the suburbs) I think it's one of the larger houses in the development as others are maybe 2800sf. (my brother has one a couple blocks away) But they're all around 2800-3200ish, which I would say is about the most common size for a modern single family detached home. (The one I grew up in a 20-25min drive away was 2500sf house built in 1969 on a 9000sf lot. They sold that one to my brother for $450k, he later sold it for a profit when he got divorced.)

I remember wp user kraftie said 3200sf would be a mansion in NYC. But this isn't NYC.. it's the new normal for a suburban home. Multi-generational homes are often 5-6000sf+, and then out here in the 'burbs it's farm houses that are ginormous - like some of them aren't just 10,000sf.. but like 15-20,000 sf & many of them are rather STUNNING tbh - real head turners. Look like something out of Scarface or Blow - palatial places.. some not so great looking, but most rather magnificent. Kinda neat just going for a local motorcycle ride and seeing more and more of them completed. Mansions in the city can be similar size - I worked on one that was over 100 years old and started out as 9000sf and was blown out to 18,000sf w/ underground parking etc.

My older brother and his fiancee commented last night that young people should "just save up and buy a starter home/condo." Um, yeah.. you bought yours for $130k. They're $500k+ for something similar today. Her: "My daughter just bought a $670k townhouse.." Me: Yeah, with an insurance payout and 2 or 3 inheritances, not savings from employment income for their $470k down payment. Them: Silence. Me:


Yeeeeeah, it's pretty much next to impossible here now for regular working people to buy much of anything unless your parents die and you inherit their real estate equity. Property developers and marketers know this and are planning for it. That's why Bob Rennie (Vancouver's Condo King) says they need to build more affordable condos for millenials in the $1.1-1.5M range. Jackass.

IF/when I end up moving later this Summer, my plan is to rent a full house with as many bedrooms as I can - that neighbourhood does have some 5 bedroom houses. Then I'll sub the 3 we don't need to quiet roomies that pay top dollar rent.. international students, ideally. They're quiet studying ghosts, super polite and respectful, here to study and not bring great shame to their families by being jerks. Heh. Something like that.. or a 4 bedroom if I can't find a 5, but the economics of a 3 bedroom home just don't add up unless you Want to pay out a Lot for your share of housing costs.

Then my mom will be solo in this 3200sf house, as my father is in his final days now - days, not weeks. But she'll have visitors - lots of friends and fam in the area. It's a nice house, she'll probably live here forever.. until she Has to go into a seniors home maybe in her last few months If she wants to. Yadda yadda blah blah - housing is quite the economic topic in this part of the world.. especially as rents spiral out of control, too. Last year a 2 bedroom suite was $1600-1800 in the area I might have to move to soon, now it's $2300.. yet a whole house was $3500 and now $3500-3800, hence wanting a 5 bedroom house with a 2 car garage so I can sub a few bedrooms and maybe even 1/2 the garage Maybe. (A family friend rented out the garage at his 4-plex separately when someone offered to rent it separately - he hadn't considered it before that.. so then when he rented out another house he rented up/down separately and then the detached 2 car garage separately to a 3rd tenant who was storing/working on a couple cars. Now-a-days add a space heater and a garden hose and someone would gladly live in there vs. be homeless.. but I wouldn't do that; kind of illegal due to fire codes.)

Same.

Can't buy anything under a million around me, even studio condos.

My parents' house cost something like $20K and is worth almost $2.5M now.

My house has gone up about 8-10X in worth.

My property taxes are about $6,000 year and I still have a mortgage too.

I think the OP is doing well. My question is how would your wife possibly be able to work if she has four children, two of whom are nonverbal, toileting on the floor, while she's also expecting? I think you're saving a fortune not paying daycare fees or respite care so she's actually earning you money by being home. You work from home but it sounds like you aren't at liberty to be chasing them around when on the clock or drinking beer (no offence).

25 years ago when I paid daycare it was $1500 / month. I was a single mum (still am), paying that out of pocket. I think you're lucky your wife isn't working and having expenses for gasoline and work-related car insurance, plus saving your family all of that money.

Thanks, yeah I am doing ok I just need to take care of my health better. I think if I don't change my current course, I will begin to have serious health issues in the next decade. I am hoping pot becomes legal because the last time I had my health in good standing was when I was consuming THC/CBD instead of beer.

Yeah... about my wife and her consulting. Its a "touchy point." Its a no go area. She has this image of herself as a "doing it all" type person. Its how she defines and presents herself, and her ego is wrapped around it.

Lately, she's having crying fits (literally) because she isn't doing well at her consulting. She relies on me to watch the kids for stretches during the day, and I can. My job is such that I can do it whenever. Honestly, she kindof ignores the kids a lot so if I don't show up the diapers won't be changed and the poop won't be cleaned.

I don't need or expect her to work. But she defines herself that way. She is pushing hard for us to move to a place where she thinks she could get more business, but it would be away from my job. Though I am remote, I am in the same city as the headquarters. It seems... irresponsible for me as the 95% earner of the income to move us away from that. If we moved it would be the "freezing" of my career. I would be stuck in this current position for the rest of my working life and would not be able to move to another role without moving yet again.

Honestly, its the "sour point" of our lives. When we got married my worry was we'd never both be happy living in the same location because she didn't want to live in the state where I work and I didn't want to live in the state where she thinks she can find work. I actually did live in that state for 1 year with her early on but she did not find work. I moved us away for more money.

I wont get into it further. Its a "known issue" that really has no easy solution. I know if I speak up, thats a line in which there is no going back. I kindof think she is living in a delusion. She is relentlessly optimistic and anytime the air is let out of that she collapses as a person. When she gets the slightest stuff going she is overbearing in her ego. So a few months ago she had a few good months where she made decent money.

In those two months she was 100% telling me "so would you quit your job to watch the kids?" because in her mind she was extrapolating the growth and she was going to make 200k year or something crazy. Then fast forward to now and its dry as a bone and shes crying and feeling sh***y.

Mostly, I have recused from myself from it because I see my role as to support her as a person and not someone to give career advice to because I really can't. When I think of, "how could I end up divorced?" well it would be that - me telling her that I think she's living in a delusion. I'm in a position where I can make the best of it and I do. But I'm not going to move states away just because.

Happy wife, happy life.. so, lie to her NT style:

Wifey, I really like that the path you’ve chosen gives you times of great reward for your knowledge as well as times with abundant flexibility to spend time with family and make memories in between those high pressure high reward contracts. It’s a nice balance and I like that you can have it - especially if it makes you happy.

Etc. Spin it and give her some utils of satisfaction out of the times she’s moping about and maybe she’ll be a happier camper for it.

Or No wife, happy life!

True.. that’s part of why I have things like surf kites & a motorcycle.. and free time and disposable income..

Hah well, unfortunately, I really don't think she will ever be happy here. As part of her "bad financial decision" mentality she wants to move now, with interest rates high AND real estate prices high.

My take on things here is very different, because I'm on disability, I have no kids, and I live with my girlfriend in a house she owns. So, take this as you like...

I was in my 40s when I started to feel the crunch between so much potential being ahead of me when I was younger and less established and had less in life, and realizing I was growing older and more settled. My 30s were like a grace period of sorts, when I felt like I had it all, though some of it was starting to be a bit overwhelming as I approached and entered my 40s. Some of what you're experiencing sounds like entering your middle years and experiencing the natural stresses of taking stock at that time. It takes a while to sort out and decide how you really feel and what you really want to do, and some of that can be a bumpy ride.

Another factor would be the complex turbulence of the world these days, which is so much more wearing on the soul in general as we get older, because we understand it better and are more world-weary. Don't discount this, even if you're wise enough to regulate your news intake to avoid being overloaded with bad stuff. The pressure manages somehow to reach everybody, but knowing this can be helpful. It's important to know not everything is your own personal stuff, and some things are simply beyond your ability to do anything about. It can be a relief to know not everything is your own fault or responsibility to fix.

Also, autism makes overwhelm so much easier, so it's pretty impressive what you've accomplished already. I don't drink alcohol, but I use cannabis for my PTSD, fibromyalgia, sensory issues, etc. I was concerned I was using a lot, so I took a break and reassessed. Now I have a hit, wait for it to come on, then decide whether I need more. I also keep count of how many hits per day. That's not the same as directly trying to have less, but the effect is that my use is reduced, which makes each hit more effective. I eat and exercise in an intuitive way, too, which helps me feel better and be healthier. Any activity can be a form of self-medication, so the question is one of functionality. If you're more functional, it's medicine. If you're less functional, some adjustment may be needed. But I find it's generally better to address the causes of the need to medicate, observing rises and declines in usage as a diagnostic tool, than to try to restrict the medication itself. Medicating without being mindful is what lets the situation get away from me.

As a final note, I love that you play music. I've played various instruments, none of them better than an amateur at intermediate level, but it's great fun. I miss playing with my friends. I'm in a group that drums and plays Middle Eastern tunes for belly dancers in the SCA, and we haven't met since lockdown began. We keep trying to get together, but nothing's worked out yet. Maybe this summer, though. Chances are looking better these days. Anyway, don't give up music, whatever else you do!

Don’t do it.

If you do, next will come 41, then 42 and so on, eventually 50, 60, 70 and later on you’ll get old.

Total BS trap. Just don’t bother turning 40. Identify as 39 from now on into perpetuity and avoid the whole aging mess.