Suffering Alone Emotionally

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There are many people that see me as a friend, sister, close confidant. When they call me I answer when they text I reply, if they need emotional support or advice I offer it. When I need these things I ask for them simply by expressing that I am in distress and need support. This is responded to with, you're okay, you're going to be okay. On some occasions, these people have vented to me and needed my support for days, or hours. And there has never been anything near reciprocal offered to me, not even partially.

I am in significant distress right now, the most I have been in since I was abused or one of my parents died, and this same treatment is what I am given. When I have inquired I have been told that I am, resilient, that I am strong, and it is upsetting. NT's I feel throw tantrums, invade other people's space, have heightened emotions, lose it, etc during situations like this and they get massive support and attention.

I am quite muted but I am still in distress, and no one takes this seriously but instead says oh, it must not be that bad as you aren't "Acting out". I don't understand this. Why is it that because I struggle with my ability to show distress outwardly that my explanations and requests for assistance go ignored. I don't know what to do but to just withdraw and never talk to anyone again.

It hurts because when I am better it will not matter that I just went thru hell and saved myself, they will continue with their regular demands of me, of the friendship even though they never have to show up for me as if nothing has occurred in my life at all. It is so isolating. I don't know if I should just disengage socially entirely from loved ones, I keep thinking maybe it's for the best.

Has anyone experienced this? Any advice?

Yeah, that's very familiar.

You did ask for advice, so, please forgive me if this isn't on point for you. I feel essentially detached from everyone except for my husband. If I am troubled, he notices - even this far into dementia - and asks me what's wrong. God, I love him. My advice to you is that other people aren't necessarily very good at knowing what to say or do. "You'll be okay" is meant as a reassurance, not as a dismissal. My advice is to have one or at most a few, very close people who really do understand you and can intuit what you need.

One other piece of advice, is to learn to say in plain English what you feel or want or need. For instance, telling someone that excluded you from an event "that hurt my feelings." Or "I need to not be alone right now. Would it be okay if I crashed at your place for one night?" (I actually did that once when I was feeling suicidal - no questions were asked - and it really helped to have a safe place to go.)

I hope things turn upwards for you soon. Let us know what you need.

Yes. In the past I have very much experienced this. Not so much since I have found out about autism because with finding out I have had more understanding etc.. But in the past a definate yes.

I know this feeling very well. For me personally I think my autism gets in the way of making people understand me and give a s**t about me. It makes me want to be stronger out of anger. I had a native American tell me that I'll feel more free in life if I don't wait around for anyone to save me, fix me, do it for me etc. In other words if I just did it myself. I know this is difficult if your human and we're social creatures and have evolved depending on each other to get by. So you can still be around people but don't wait for them to fix you. Or as others have said, find a better group of people to hang out with.

I have learned not to rely on people—but only on myself, primarily. I hardly ever ask for assistance from people because, then, I might be obligated to assist people, even if they are pursuing something which is misguided. I am not going to pursue something which I might find to be misguided, because of an obligation to another person.

I might, say, confide my troubles to somebody…..then that somebody might want me to co-sign on a loan for them (this has happened, and I got into debt as a result). I didn’t ask that somebody for money.

I’m sorry that people aren’t coming to bat for you, Browneyed Girl…..but I do believe that it is good that you are the stronger one, and that you keep your composure. I feel it is always good to remain “above the fray,” so to speak, whenever possible.

I’m glad people are supporting you here, and wish people would support you more in “real life” without obligating you to support them. I don’t believe in obligation at all. When I support someone, there’s no obligation for one to support me in return….though it would be nice. I certainly wouldn’t make them go into debt for me.

Be careful that your support of people….or people’s support for you….doesn’t lead you or the other person down a rabbit hole or into a vicious cycle.

I like to support and help people….but with no strings attached. If I ask someone if I could borrow money, I can’t expect an affirmative answer. If it’s no, it’s no. And if it’s no, the friendship is not terminated.