The grieving process

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Joined: 23 Mar 2015
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Location: Calne,England

12 Jul 2023, 2:00 pm

So many mixed emotions. Hard to equate my experience with my father with all the gushing praise about him. Brother feels the same. The instinctive love for a parent vs the anger and hurt of not having been treated the same as our sister and stepbrother and sister. Of being the least well off and getting the least help . The self flagellation and feeling like I’m a bad person for not having purely blissfully happy memories. It’s hard , very, very, hard we’re both struggling.

babybird
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12 Jul 2023, 2:02 pm

Yeah it's a lot to come to terms with that.

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rse92
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12 Jul 2023, 2:53 pm

I feel badly for you. In time try to forgive, not for the sake of others but for your own sake.

firemonkey
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12 Jul 2023, 3:04 pm

Quoting my brother. Some altering by me to avoid using Christian names Things he's found out since going out to America to help out.

Quote:

Michael told me Dad and Myr paid for D(step brother) and H(D wife) to go on holiday paid for out of his pension no doubt . D and H have a nice house here also and Dad and Myr sorted all the paper work here they also have a joint bank account with H interesting ? They have plenty money if they bought a house here and can afford holidays ! . The more I hear the more I am upset how Dad did not help us in any way ? And helped everyone else .

The_Walrus
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12 Jul 2023, 4:00 pm

This is a natural way to feel. I don't think you should feel guilty - your dad was a complicated person and it is to be expected that you would have complicated feelings about him. Allow yourself to feel the way you are feeling. If you are feeling distress (again this is to be expected) then there is always the option of seeing a bereavement counsellor.

firemonkey
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12 Jul 2023, 5:05 pm

He was complicated and intelligent. Less intelligent than me I would say but without the autism/dyspraxia/SMI etc that I have. Far more able to make good use of that intelligence. Putting the hurt and anger aside I can readily acknowledge that he did well in life-achievements wise. From a father-son perspective it's far more negative, for both my brother and I.

As you rightly says it's complicated. I try to be to my daughter and grandchildren etc what my Dad wasn't to me. Openly loving and as supportive as possible.

goldfish21
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13 Jul 2023, 12:53 am

Well, that sucks.

No sense in dwelling on it, though. What's done is done. He did what he did for whatever his reasons were and that's that. Nothing you or anyone can do to ever change it. Sucks to be aware of it, but, it is what it is and if you dwell on it feeling low or wondering why, you'll simply guarantee that your thinking will bring you unhappiness. That doesn't serve you at all. Best to carry on focusing your thoughts on you & yours, things that make you happy, things that serve you well in life. You'll be happier and healthier for it.

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for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

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