trauma is a b***h

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I am beginning to realize that I have serious trauma that affects the ways I interact with friendships and other relationships. I do not have a healthy way of bonding with others.... one of the most obvious ways this is apparent is my tendency to find a "favorite person" and idolize the f*****g hell out of them. But with the idolization comes an intense freakin fear of rejection and abandonment, and so one word from said "favorite person" can make or break my entire week. I jump at shadows and see rejection where there likely is none.

I am also dealing with depression from summer onset SAD, so that always amplifies my feelings and makes my trauma 10x more obvious

That sounds really rough. My trauma has made me very shy and withdrawn, offline anyway. I rarely talk to people.

I found therapy helpful as far as my religious trauma goes. I know that that’s something you’ve struggled with, too.

Have you ever been in therapy?

Currently in therapy, but therapist is not trauma-informed and when I started with her I wasn't aware I had trauma tbh.

I'm probably in the darkest time of my life right now. And that's saying a lot, the depression I had at age 16 really took the cake.

Lol yeah I didn't even realise I had any kind of trauma/ptsd until about 3 years ago.

It all came about when I had a psychotic event at work. Since then I've been diagnosed with cptsd ptsd and some kind of dissociative disorder.

You're right trauma is a b*tch. And it's one that f*cks you right up the arse.

Your darned right about trauma .. .. It is a mental issue that affects people physically in many many ways.
Am sorry to advise this because it se3ms kinda counter intuitive..but my being shy did not help me growing in life.
but got out and in any situation,That i could casually express meself in situations that involved me. I would open my mouth . Right or wrong , (but i got experience) and , I appeared as less of a target to predatory types. But this took years to get to that point. >>>> but I did and I got to grow . ....imho

Had a massive episode a few days ago. Feeling normal at the moment.

I think I may have BPD (borderline personality disorder)