Friendless for three months

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I have been doing my best to remain calm and sane. This Great Social Famine which began on February 8th, 2024, the day I ended a toxic friendship, has never withered away. The only thing that keeps me from starving to death are my online friends. The outside environment would offer no such place for me to freely express myself and my ideology without being estranged from others. Even making a first move in expressing myself would considerably destroy a hypothetical friendship and mostly turn someone against me because they fail to understand who I am for real.

Masking is what I've done in the past and wasn't that much self-aware up until now and what it has been doing to me. My happy days were simply the trip to Paris and photographing Paris because I got a private excursion trip of my own without having to go on a school trip to Spain I would always feel emotional pain whenever I saw my classmates being able to interact with one another. Jealousy is what I probably may have. Maybe I am envious but I do not have such envy as I have been able to outperform them with my own trip to Paris and at least sharing my own experience and info dump on Paris.

I was also able to achieve something I had never possibly dreamt of. I got all subjects graded with a final grade of "A" (or "5" in Bosnia), thereby achieving the perfect GPA score which made me also happy given that I never really expected much other than a GPA being at least higher than 4.5 as a result of the better school environment and treatment I got and that I wasn't academically pressured like the previous school.

Now that I finished high school and that college is starting for me in October of this year, the big thing persists which is the Great Social Famine that I am experiencing. The effect of being lonely and not being able to freely express yourself without being estranged and the fact that I do not have the grand monetary funds to start a life elsewhere is what makes me cry whenever I think about it. As a result of my social envy, I had to distract myself from completely losing it as this starvation was beginning to eat away my happiness almost quickly. It's like how a body eats itself as a last effort to appease the hungry tummy. I am not physically hungry. I am socially hungry.

Despite the fact that people would say that I have to make the first move, the dead end for me would be my ideology. I do not want to give it up so easily and if people refuse to express themselves to me in private at least and not in the wide public, then why should I entrust the environment around me? Maybe not even wanting to hang out with people who are blinded by ignorance is the best choice because ever since losing a close friend due to a petty conflict that she refused to resolve with me in a polite manner at least having us put our personalities aside and focus on one another, I have simply been paranoid of what someone is going to do to me when they get that close to me.

Am I the fool for being paranoid? I am who I am and if you can't appreciate my preferences then we can politely discuss if there is a chance for a compromise. If you don't want to compromise then why bother talking to me or hanging out with me? Do you really want to be my friend? Maybe don't try to play with my emotions and my sexuality for I have already been played like that by that close friend once. Not that I despise lesbians. Nothing wrong with lesbians but its that my emotions, my sexuality, and my identity overall have been completely and utterly disrespected with this negative stereotype by someone with ADHD who has a case of gender dysphoria and instead of understanding me and letting me help her, she decides to throw derogatory language at me and call me a "transphobe" for my inability to adapt to change and me requiring at least her to comfort me when I feel like I can't do it because I wanted to adapt to the change but the environment she gave me was so cold and hostile that I felt like this FTM person was too worried for herself rather than me so I had to end the friendship.

When I first tried to express my issue here to the people on WP, it was rather mixed. At first, they didn't know what I was going through as I didn't explain myself clearly. Now after months of being here, I am giving out a clear story of truth that I was basically emotionally abused the moment I unmasked my autism in what I thought was a true friend who would understand me and be there for me. How wrong I was when I learned it the hard way. Three months have passed and I still have that traumatic episode not caused by violence but by sheer betrayal and heartbreak all over a petty difference that could have been easily solved had she not been so fussy about it and at least understood my point and my backstory.

I admit, there were mistakes I made such as unreasonable meltdowns. I admit to such mistake and will never make a big scene out of it. However, the next time I find a friend in someone, I will cut the cable the moment they try to wrongly depict me and create a negative stereotype that damages me in any way possible. Until I can finally be able to see a soul that wants to be with me in someone, I will have to distract myself with YouTube, collecting old pictures of my hometown, and listening to orchestra music as a means of keeping myself intact and not losing myself.

Before you realize it, I might as well be fighting this war mentally with myself just deciding to not conform anymore and not let anyone decide who should I be friends with and who should I date for I know very well who my best friend and partner will be and it has to be like-minded for the best part as it can really help. Three months are in. Some day soon enough, I will smile again and walk together with someone I can entrust to be a close friend.