I like isolating

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I like talking. However people think I talk about weird things. I change topics too fast. I didn't think I did. I honestly think it's related stuff. I don't really know what I'm doing wrong. I don't like that I'm not great at conversations. It makes it really difficult to keep friends. People are nice to me though.

I like being alone too. I sometimes prefer it. I listen to music. I don't feel so awkward doing that. I like to wake up early and make coffee while doing that. Sometimes I stay up all night to be alone. It's a weird feeling. Once I stayed up for 3 nights and I thought I was surrounded by people trying to jab me with a needle. That was scary. Now I just wake up early.

Sometimes I like being alone because I don't have to worry. I like to spin in circles to centre myself. It feels really good. My siblings don't like when I do that.

I'm not supposed to isolate though and my family wants me to make friends but it's extremely difficult honestly. People are nice to me but I can tell that I sometimes make some of them uncomfortable. I don't make the right amount of eye contact, I constantly move my hands, I sometimes have to shake my shoulders, and I really really struggle to feel comfortable and I think it's noticeable. Honestly though, I'm still trying. I just can't drink and people want me to. It's my medication. I feel really sick when I drink on it. I made a mistake on New Years.

I do want to socialize. I just struggle to not repeat stories. I don't know why I do that. I want it to stop though..

"alone time" is super important to me. I spend a great deal of time following interests and doing things away from others. It is mentally and emotionally refreshing to no be called on to interact with others, and I am busy getting information from other sources during most of my alone time. Fortunately, this is one thing my spouse also needs. It has worked out well. I am aware of how very rare it is to find another who understands, let alone ending up living with them. Isolation, solitude, quiet time alone can be healing, feel safe and comfortable, can be the best peace on earth.
I think many here will identify with this! You are not alone, even when you are.

Alone time is essential to my equilibrium. 100% isolation isn't healthy, but being able to carve out individual spac is just as important. Being social is just being open to others and their experiences/world view. We can be fortunate to do so with friends but even fostering casual connections is beneficial.

I can understand your confusion as to why you are struggling to find friends.
I know I'm strange or somehow distinctly different. I don't like most people - they are rarely kind to me. I've made great efforts to connect with some people that I do like. Unfortunately, it rarely works to form a lasting friendship and, more often, results in people avoiding me. People don't like my differences although its often hard for me to discern exactly why I am perceived as so unlikable.

It's good for you to be making an effort to form friendships but its also not going to help if you are nagged or feel anxiety about it. Rather than focusing on "making friends", which is such an abstract goal, it might be better to focus on just pursuing your interests in a more public situation like a class. That way you are out in public, doing something you like, and just maybe you end up finding a friend. I think its important though, for you, to let that be a potential side benefit rather than something to actively pursue. Be sure to make time for solitude if that helps your state of mind. As so many have mentioned, alone time is critical for me - I spend the vast majority of my time alone with my dog, it relaxes me and makes me happy.

I love being alone, it very hard to be alone now. I live in a group home, I live with 6 people, I HATE IT! Breakfast at 6 AM, I'm not a morning person, why people have to talk in the morning? When I wake up, I want quiet. the only time I get privacy & being alone is being in my bedroom with my cat,I rather be with my cat than being with people. I CANNOT talk to these people, I don't know how, I'm not good at conversation.

^ What you are being subjected to by having to live in a group home, is a cruel injustice, Kitty.

How hard is it for a modern world to provide disabled people with just a little bit of money to live independently?

I feel like I’m being punished. One woman here she can be very mean & yelling, once I heard her being very mean, rude & yelling at someone that lives here, she was so hard on her, she was crying. Are we in the army? She claims she is teaching us. Later, the person that got verbal abuse, I asked her if she ok, she said yes, like it was no big deal, she also said ‘we have to learn from our mistakes’ like I have to learn too. She needs to be fired, unfortunately everyone likes her. And this other woman who in charge, she DON’T CARE that I have Autism, she thinks my meltdowns are behavior problems, she don’t understand the reasons why I’m having them, she wants to change me. I’m afraid of ending up in the hospital.

I love being alone more than anything else. It is a place of no judgment, no fear, comfort zone. I enjoy playing a video game alone; sometimes with alcohol, sometimes without. I can wear what I want and temporarily escape any responsibilities. I have rarely gotten true alone time for a while now, I feel lucky to even get a few hours alone.
Being out alone in public doesn't count for me, there are always random people.