Hello everybody. Hope you are better than I am right now. Didn't think I'd found myself here yet... here we are. So there it goes.
Almost two years ago, I did something wrong, but still can make out the reason why I did so. Let's say I didn't respect a close relative intimacy. As said, I don't know why I did so, but I what I do know is that I love to solve problems and for quite some time before the incident I had intrusive thoughts about how would someone go on to pull it off, but I absolutely knew it was a wrong thing to do and never acted on it, but did allow myself to think about how it would be possible (mind you, I do this for any challenge or problem I find interesting, which 99.9% of the times are not bad things). However that particular day, I don't know why I gave it a go. And no, I was not caught or anything, but I felt horrible... Anyhow, I felt extremely guilty at the time. So much that a few days later I confessed to the relative my wrongdoing BUT... I had far too much shame and didn't know any better, so I told the story as "an accident" (yes, lying). (I maybe should note here, lust could have something to do with this, but also keep in mind I never had any romantic relationship, still virgin to this day and NOT looking forward for either of those things as I just don't give a damm about either, so not really the kind of sex creep before or since). Anyhow, she didn't mind and even laugh it off. Eventually manage to apparently forget about the whole thing for about a year or so.
In 26 years of my life, that is THE ONLY real wrongdoing I've ever done. I do help this relative and others as much as I can with anything they come up with. I help my friends to the best of my abilities. I managed to find a really cool job, worked beyond any reasonable limit to hold it and be good at it (we are talking 10+hrs day), so now I'm looking at the start of a real nice carreer for me. I have cool hobbies that I'm very involved with. Friends and relatives REALLY trust me with anything without hesitation (so something good I've must been doing for them). I've only ever had 1 parking ticket and it wasn't even my fault. Never got in a fight. Never even tasted alcohol, tobacco or any drug of any kind. I've only had to "fire" somebody from my life once (I thought he was a friend, but wasn't), yet I forgive him of anything, part ways and move on.
Now however I started feeling guilty about this. Why? No idea. Literally nothing to trigger it (other than work anxiety and maybe, a little burnout, many hours, not a lot of vacations... if you want something, fight for it).
I've grown to accept the mistake, eventually opened up the old wound and tried to confess, but I was a wreck, the kid was a little not good, maybe not the best day to do so, but anyways, given my best, made a mess of it, still have no idea if my relative bought the new version or not, but she did shrug it off again and told me straight to FORGET IT and move on.
I accept making mistakes is part of life, it how you grow, its how you get to know yourself, what you are made of and what others are capable of. Nobody is good nor bad, we are all capable of good and bad. We all do bad at some point in life, its a matter if the goods we do outweight the bads, and for me, regardless of how I feel, I'm sure, it is safe to assume my goods massively outweight the bads.
This mistake of mine made me a better person, before it I'd be very judgy to other peoples' missdeeds, but not anymore, I've understood we ALL mess up from time to time. I'm far more open minded now, more forgiving.
I've never liked lying, never, but I did have a bad habit of telling white lies here and there as I've always felt judged at school whenever I forgot a number or was not EXACTLY were I was supposed to be (teachers can be real a***holes to weird kids with a knick (is that the word?) for logics and science), but that is also no more, I'm on a mission to not tell ANY lies (unless its for a good reason like not spoiling a surprise or keeping a secret from a friend that trusted me).
Event with everything, lately I've been carring that rock filled backpack, and I don't know why. I don't think I've lived a month without anxiety for whatever dumb reason (like most people around here I guess) and yeah, life hasn't been the easiest lately, and I have quite a lot of responsability at work, but even with the stressing situations we've been through, it woth noting that NOBODY at work called me out, shouted... nothing, even in difficult times, so again, there must be somethnig I've been doing well.
Couple of weeks ago, my car broke down, and a friend offered his for me to go to work without a second hesitation. Actually, I had been offered a total of 4 cars by friends and relatives for me to use. Still I feel like the worst person to ever walk on earth (again, I know this is not true, but it is there).
Lots of people trusted me to do various out of the ordinary or difficult technical works as nobody would be able to perform them. Even if I've done far, FAR to many of them at no cost, I'd feel stupidly guilty if not completed the thing by the next time I see that person. That and a lot of work has made me say "no" a whole lot more times, which has been good, but I still remember how I even had to stop doing somethig I enjoyed over guilt for not having completed a task, even if it was a Saturday after a long long week of lots and lots of work (and that was before this late guilt strike).
I feel lost. I rumiate a lot, I try to convince myself that is the past, the good things that I do, but my evil mischevous mind comes back again and again. I don't know if anxiety is causing this or if guilt is causing anxiety, but I do know I've had enough. Life is a gift, I've worked my ass off for what I have, I'me exploiting my talents, growing as a person, I get to do cool things in my day to day that would only be a dream for many many others. I should be happy, have a blast, but no. If this contiues, it is only a matter of time it will start affecting my ability to work and funcition. I should not, it comes and goes. After writing this, I feel better, the other day after listening a TedTalk on the topic, I felt better, but then got worse, then better, then worse... I'd never forgive myself if I allow this to destroy my life.
Maybe the lost piece is self forgivness, read a whole bunch about it, tried, but I guess I haven't had any success with it. I now it is all in my head, control it, leave it behind and move on, but I don't find the key to it.
Well, that's enought rambling, I'd usually would read this a bilion times, correct mistakes, make sure it is coherent, but this time, I've just been typing away what wanted to come out and... I'm not reading it. Maybe it is best leaving it unfiltered than correcting it for the reader's sake. Sorry for the long text, and thanks for your time. Any advice, opinion, thoughts are welcome. Hate is also allowed, even if I may discard it, even at my low, I know I'm not a monster (no brain, no, now shut up) and I now I still deserve some respect. Constructive criticism on the other hand is much welcome. And again, sorry for any spelling mistakes, but again, I'm not re-reading it, or else I'll start changing things.
12 Jun 2024, 8:23 am
