Eighteen y/o no money at my wits end HELP URGENTLY NEEDED

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I spent most of my teenage years cocooned away from civilization in a kids foster group home. I had an extremely sheltered adolescence subject to incessant and constant infantilization, dehumanization, humiliation, bullying, gaslighting, mind games, any form of emotional/psychological abuse fathomable basically. Everything looked in terms of aesthetics just beyond ugly all of the christmas/birthday presents were ridiculous they tried their hardest to fatten me up make me as obese as possible they were all feeders. Thrown into the deep end no life skills whatsoever. Can't
be bothered to do laundry or clean/tidy the house or teach myself how to cook. As a consequence I have extreme difficulty finding paid employment never had a job in my life (it was near impossible when I was living at the kid's home) it's so unfair I get so jealous whenever people talk about the jobs they had when they were aged 15-21 like literally everyone my age has had work experience except me application after application no success. Only money I get is universal credit (£311 a month) and it is not enough to afford both enough food to eat and also the luxuries that make me even more distressed whenever absent (internet, cigarettes, red bull, weed, and whatever legal highs I can get hold of) not to mention my bicycle broke recently can't afford a replacement that is really bothering me. Can't sell unwanted posessions on Vinted because my iphone model is way too old, can't join the military (even though I really want to) because I am underweight due to anorexia nervosa I would be forced to get fit and gain muscle don't really know how to do that strongly prefer the look of an ectomorphic build over a mesomorphic or endomorphic build, I want to become a freelance author as writing/journaling/essays is by far my favourite form of self-expression but I can't be trusted with the internet I open up my laptop just to type transcripts of the hundreds upon hundreds of diaries I own quickly lose motivation because I would rather look at drug forums eating disorder forums personality typology forums or skim over wikipedia articles try my hardest to find research chemicals on Tor browser but fail inevitably killing 9 hours without realising it even if I did somehow write all of my thoughts down I would feel reluctant to publish to the entire world my innermost thoughts because that way I will get took advantage of and be subject to even more criticism and ridicule yet what else am I gonna write about all else I can think of is those funny weird meaningless imaginary scenarios I come up with every so often but I can no longer bother documenting those because I know with certainty that in 6 months time or smth I'm gonna read those and realise how cringey they were therefore there's no point publishing them let alone even writing them down in the first place, I could post autoerotic selfies of myself wearing full-body gimpsuits to onlyfans (I was foolishly thinking I would be okay if my head is always concealed) then I remembered as an asexual I would be traumatised by this I would probably get loads of creepy comments people coercing me to take the fetish clothes off cuz they wanna see not just my face but also my &42))£1049242 (if you know you know) do people even use OnlyFans anymore to begin with I doubt I'd earn enough money on any alternative, I could walk or public transport to my nearest city and pretend to be homeless but that means I would have to get the homeless person cosplay correct otherwise it won't work I wouldn't feel very comfortable doing that anyway I'd rather be myself instead of putting on some facade. Too late to apply for any kind of vocational course at Gateshead College even if I applied in time for a course that genuinely interested me I would feel too scared to even show up because I know that all of the other young people are going to ridicule me learnt that the hard way when I tried automotive, I would rather do A-levels in psychology and maths and third subject philosophy if that's even a valid A-level option but my GCSE's are too low. Applied for a mechanics apprenticeship on GC website desperately waiting for a response. I try walking into shops cafes etc IRL asking for vacancies and only ever get declined. Would struggle with most kinds of jobs anyway due to social anxiety, I'm considering working at McDonald's then I realise that wouldn't be a particularly wise decision because of how loud and crowded it is. Ik this may sound cringey and edgy but my dream form of employment is some kind of night shift workhouse role, I love night I love the angular boxy robotic way everything looks aesthetically and I love being alone. I know I should apply for volunteering in a charity shop but I don't have much hope about that either, for example I tried the Salvation Army branch in Stanley they told me to return at 10.00am the morning after I obeyed that order only to be forced to try the Consett branch for crying out loud. I could try becoming a youtuber, only kind of youtube video I could imagine myself doing at all is recording myself stare into the camera articulate these observations I'm having about society philosophy etc as a whole but I don't wanna do that either because if I do that I have a feeling everyone will accuse me of copying the 4th dimension guy for clout and no matter what kind of youtube videos I post it's highly unlikely I'll manage to earn any money from it at all youtube never really appealed to me in the first place.
Only option left is to just kill myself but I don't want to do that either because of the completely unknowable risk of a higher power punishing me for unrepented sins even though I realise how corrupt religion in general is (I want to believe in god for afterlife reasons but I lack enough faith, statements like "God loves you" or "God has good hope for you" won't do anything). I was born on Friday the 13th a date notorious for being unlucky according to common superstitious no wonder my life is very very bad and I had the worst most chaotic upbringing ever. I was just born to suffer. No wonder even before any kind of trauma I've had these extremely creepy night terrors warning me of an afterlife that makes catholic hell look like a very expensive luxury vacation. Born to suffer in this life born to suffer even more in the afterlife, I have this strong indescribable feeling that my subjective afterlife would probably be agonizing beyond anyone's comprehension I can't be convinced otherwise yet at the same time people in general are judging me for engaging in the stupid decision of believing my dreams are literal fact/premonitions when they are just my unconscious or just don't even mean anything at all or that No-OnE kNoWs WhAt HaPpEnS aFtEr YoU dIe DoN't DwElL oN iT sorta mentality which also doesn't help I can't trust anyone not even myself people tell me I should speak to my social worker and the support workers about life skills budgeting employment adult GCSE resits etc but I get bad vibes from them I get bad vibes from everyone I'm becoming increasingly misanthropic why am I even posting this in the first place it's to the point where I only leave the house to very carefully spend my barely existent budget on 5 portions for £1 instant noodles discount fiber brownies and onion rings £5 packs of cigarettes cans of the original energy drink and I easily get overwhelmed by so many people so much civilisation so much sensory stimulation but I go outside anyway because ordering crap online is so inconvenient you have to pay for delivery I daydream about running away to the sticks but then I end up writing down an extremely long list of the things I would need how even that would cost a fortune. My psychologist tells me that I can have willpower and that somehow as if by magic I can quit the cigarettes the red bull and the weed cold turkey no I can't it's not that simple everyone is so dismissive I can't trust anyone even if they have degrees doctorates PhD's and that everyone has completely contradictory information and perspectives and opinions about everything and I can't make my mind up there are so many contradictions everywhere life or just reality or existence whatever the f**k this even is as a whole is so f*****g absurd.
I'm still waiting for my PIP but it is taking ages. I applied March/April time this year no joke. There is a chance I'm not eligible at all even though I tried my hardest to convince the government I was eligible. I also have this irrational fear my claim will somehow just spontaneously combust so to speak just randomly die and vanish without a trace I will for some unknown reason never hear from DWP ever again and remain eternally skint.
I forgot to mention I suffer from constant flashbacks of being bullied or being talked down to or being treat like a woman (I'm a transgender male) not just at the kid's home but by members of my family members of the public even quote unquote professionals basically society as a whole.
I don't want to take my sertraline just so I can take more interesting more enjoyable drugs without the risk of dying from serotonin syndrome. Altering my state of consciousness is really one of my most primary motivations to keep on living yet according to these fever dreams I'm not allowed drugs at all not even legal ones I have to be completely straight edge. I guess I'll have to force myself to stop smoking weed all of a sudden but then allow myself a fat joint with as much THC as possible at christmas time (if anything seems like a better more enjoyable way to celebrate christmas than being surrounded by like 20 new material possessions unable to decide which one to use first somehow feeling weirdly bored and demotivated by 11.00am) because my tolerance is just very high but it's too hard I can't help getting extremely jealous whenever I smell weed see someone smoking weed hear or read about someone smoking weed, don't want to touch alcohol because it is so calorie dense and it's way worse for your overall health than green, any other drug is way too hard to access and requires careful thought (e.g. should I get blue lotus flower to smoke / drink as tea or blue lotus extract?) (how the hell do I order kratom off the internet when I live in the UK? Is it even worth it? With it being a controlled substance in the UK how can I know what's in it if I ordered it online?) (I feel like stealing my aunt's stash of prescribed benzo's at the same time I know I should never do that ever because I will inevitably get caught and I will get into really bad trouble with the law) (them £20 nitrous canisters I found on the net. How long will that last me? I have a feeling I can't be trusted I'll devour the entire thing in less than a day and I'll be bankrupt in no time because of f*****g whippets. How do I even consume it in the first place like how do I balloon it or should I invest in one of them mouthpiece thingies hospitals have to administer entonox??) (cough syrup is disgusting, them American robitussin pills and gelcaps you can get delivered from the USA on eBay are extortionate like $20 for 300mg when you could pay £6.50 for 800mg the cheap juice at Tesco/Asda it's not even laced with anything dodgy like paracetamol despite being a bargain, can't pop the night nurse pills because they contain paracetamol good luck doing a recreational dose of DXM with them mf's you'll puke your guts out hospitalised for liver failure cuz paracetamol overdose) (don't even think about inhalants no way of knowing if you'd die or not. Yet an increasingly larger number of people make fun of you for being so afraid of death, what a world we live in) (try looking at any benzo any amphetamine analogue or whatever on sigma aldrich or cayman chemical all these pharma kinda websites in order to make a purchase you have to prove that you have some kind of license) (nutmeg is also disgusting to eat and also way more embarrassing to get high off than many of the other legal highs) (all legal highs are embarrassing to take because you look like a naive sheltered overprotected autistic 12-year-old. Which you are. REAL 18-year-olds do real drugs, if any at all)

I am not faking this for clout it would be well appreciated if you could donate to my paypal if you want to donate discord largeyellowsnakes404.

My life is crumbling apart. I try my hardest to plan ahead and make the wisest decisions possible but I always end up f*****g everything up and shooting myself in the foot up. I try my hardest to come up with solutions to all of these issues but literally all of them come with really bad downsides that more or less outweigh the positives. People tell me that I should just seek therapy I already do seek therapy, have been for ages, it's doing nothing, I'm realising how corrupt therapists are even though so many people tell me that I should trust them I can tell by their tone of voice and the kind of things they say to me that they are not as reliable as they should be.

I can't do pretty much anything, or even THINK about anything without any action, without imagining people I've met in the past talking down to me I have a constant inner critic telling me about how fat I am how ugly I am how womanly I am how stupid I am how worthless I am. I shouldn't enjoy eating I shouldn't express any kind of emotion etc etc etc.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It does sound like you were given the short end of the stick. I'm also really concerned that your therapist is spouting myths about addiction. Are there addiction resources in your area? Like Anonymous or something? They might be a better resource than your psychologist. Quitting the addiction might help your finances.

Also, as far as employment is concerned: are there government resources available? Placement counselors and stuff? I had an ex who was an unemployment counselor with the UK government...I think...I didn't 100% understand his job because I'm not British (it was a long distance thing) and things are different over there. It did seem like help was available, though? He lived in the south-west, and I don't fully understand how different resources might be in different areas, but if you want I can try to reach out to him and see if he has any suggestions? His information might be outdated, though. Last I heard from him he'd swapped over to working for the Royal Navy. Anyway, there should be night shift jobs available? I've been told y'all have 24/7 convenience stores and fast food places in some areas. Maybe you can luck into one of those? That should be fewer people.

As for executive functioning and life skills, you're going to have to learn those through self-study and trial and error if therapists and other resources keep failing you. I'm not sure if it will help you, because everyone is different, but I can tell you what I did when I was in a similar spot to you and first learning how to survive on my own? I built myself a schedule and followed it religiously: for example I did laundry every Wednesday and I cleaned the kitchen every Friday. Stuff like that. It helped me a lot. Also, as for the flashbacks and unwanted thoughts, things I don't want to think about, I've learned how to redirect myself. I try to stay exclusively in the present: because thinking about the past is depressing, and thinking about the future is anxiety inducing. But when I'm having trouble and keep finding myself in flashbacks or worrying about something I can't control I'll refocus and think about a special interest. It doesn't always work, but it's better than just hyperfocusing and making myself miserable. I don't have a constant inner critic, though, so I don't know how much that will help for you.

Please, please do not steal or do anything else that might put you in any danger or traumatize you. I hope things go well and you're able to get the help that you need. I'm rooting for you.