What’s on your mind? The Haven version.

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I thought this thread might be useful to share stuff of a more serious/sensitive nature than people might want to share in Random and that doesn’t fit elsewhere. This is a supportive thread for serious, thoughts, reflections, experiences, existential dread, or whatever.

I love this topic idea. I am married but have a girlfriend on the side. I don't want just judgement as I navigate wtf a proper resolution would be.

I can't complain at the moment tbh. Feeling a bit more positive. Physical health OK. Decent council flat. OK for money. Only bad thing is I'm still drinking too much but diabetes seems to have sorted itself out with the switch from Magners cider to gin and diet tonic and losing a stone in weight.

I can't remember the last time I thought about the future with any kind of positivity. I just feel like I'm fighting to maintain the status quo all the time, and that's the best I can do. I've lost any confidence I had in my ability to make changes that will result in long term improvements.

"I don't understand".
I'll honor those I do not understand.


And half the time, I don't know how to honor that statement myself.
There are times I refuse to honor it; that I don't understand.

I want to understand.
I had to let go the want to understand.

It stemmed from my younger years wanting to be understood, with others not honoring that want nor honor their inability to.

I had to let that go.
But should I?

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

God, wife, cat, family, and friends, in that order.

I've been so busy lately I haven't had time to think about how I'm feeling. My mother is finally home from hospital after breaking her hip on the 11th of May. My son and I are doing alternate shifts to look after her. It's hard because she's very ASD / OCD / ADHD and set in her ways. She's upset and frustrated because her routines have changed and she wants to do things her way like normal (cleaning, in particular). She's having a very hard time to sit still and have nothing to do. She doesn't read, use computers, knit, or do anything as a hobby. All she wants to do is clean or travel to CA, but she can't. She's sitting there crying most of the time because of frustration and boredom.

Sorry for talking about her but that's what's on my mind most of the time. We never got along well but now that I see her as autistic rather than just "a pain in the ass who complains a lot" and is never happy, I have a lot more empathy.

On top of that her sister has already started to gaslight me by asking why I don't live there full time. She broke her own hip in April and moved in with her daughter / my cousin. I almost told her to FO. Her daughter is married, her kids are grown and moved out so there are empty bedrooms, they live on one level in a bungalow (no stairs) with air conditioning, she has no pets, they have two cars, and most of all she's neurotypical as F.

I almost reminded my aunt I have no husband to take care of my house if I moved to mum's. I have one car, two or three kids depending how you count them - and they fight - , a daughter-in-law who stays here, seven pets including a baby kitten, a boyfriend out of town, and I'm autistic with trauma, strokes, ADHD, etc. It's not even comparable. The worst is that she insinuates I don't love my mother if I don't move in there to her house with no AC and leave my own life behind. She has no idea how hard I've worked to understand my mother and get to the point we're at now.

I've only been able to do this much because I promised my dad on his deathbed I'd take care of her.

Other than that I'm OK. Things with MR are good despite him going back to work three days a week. I feel peace sometimes because of my work with my new therapist.

Something might happen this week which would upset me, but I don't know yet for sure.

I know I complain about this a lot, but, job searching. It's difficult for it not to feel hopeless. I feel trapped. It worries me the amount of interviews that I have who just never respond to me afterwards. Am I going wrong somewhere? It would be nice if someone gave me some feedback at least once. At least then I could know what to change.

I'm really trying here and it's frustrating beyond belief. I don't get excited about interviews anymore because I'm just going through the motions at this point.

Ugh. I wish I could just land a decent job and move away. I'm so tired of this nonsense.

obsessed with the spoiled upper middle class brat in aikido

41 never had sex

zero "friends"

emotional overeating

house dirty but too exhausted to clean it

fear sister will sell house and then i have to pay rent

work has been cutting hours lately. plus, the Leave of Absensce.

applied for some jobs.

no future

s**t

doing the same thing every single day s**t

constipation

some bowel movements take 40 f*****g minutes

gastroenterologist

Middle school edgelord s**t is exhausting, especially when the person spouting it is middle aged.

So I got called out by my son for something that I'm pretty sure I deserved to be called out on, but maybe it was gaslighting. I'm not sure. It was probably warranted but it still hurt. Then I told my partner and he said my son was right. Now I know it's real and I'm ashamed of myself for being such a cumquat in the first place.

Also,

Dear my kids' father -

A person could use a little help sometimes y'know, dickwad.