Nothing worth living for

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I mean, why I do even bother anymore?

I'm over 40. I never got married or had any children. That used to bother me, but at some point I just stopped caring. In fact, I'm relieved that I don't have to worry about supporting a family when I can barely keep myself afloat.

I still don't have an actual career. I got my Bachelor's degree in Communication, and that turned out to be useless. When I could get a job, it was always something low paying and unfulfilling. And I have been homeless when I couldn't find a job.

I tried to get into nursing. I got my CNA. But it turns out that I can not progress in that field without going to nursing school, and I do not have the pre-reqs required and cannot afford to pay for classes out of pocket. Then I found out I can get into grad school for Special Education. I graduated with my Master's over 3 years ago, but as it turns out I cannot get certified without going through this PPAT bull****. It costs 300USD just for the initial sign up, 100 every time I submit one of the four tasks, and an additional 75 every time I need to redo a task or miss a deadline. It is only offered twice a year. And the worst part is that it is extremely confusing: I can't even figure out what I'm supposed to do. When I look at the breakdown, my autism/ADHD brain cannot process the mess I'm looking at. So where does that leave me? My provisional certification can only be renewed 3 times, and I'm already on my second.

I am paying 500USD a month, plus over 200 for insurance, on my vehicle for the next three years. And the kicker is that I do not even like driving. I have already wrecked four or five cars, and I'm terrified I'm going to run over a child every time I back out of a parking spot. I wish I could live somewhere I could rely on public transit to get to and from work. But instead I am trapped in this s***hole where it is impossible to survive financially without maintaining a personal vehicle.

I don't even have any family in my life. They all live in a country I couldn't get legal entry into even if I wanted to. I have not seen and have barely spoken to any of them in nearly a decade. They are unable to support me, which is why I've ended up homeless every time things went bad for me. I've even had three cousins and other family members die in the past two decades, and I didn't even feel connected to any of it. It is just so far out of my life that none of it felt real anymore.

I grew up abroad, as an expat, so I do not feel any connection to my country of citizenship. And with a Trump re-election and Project 2025 around the corner, I certainly do not want to be here anymore. But I'm trapped. I'm stuck relying on my job to survive paycheck to paycheck, so there is no way I could ever afford to relocate out of the Bible Belt. I'm trapped here for the rest of my life.

I wanted to work for DOD schools abroad, but I can't without the certification which has been made impossible to achieve. I even did a DNA test, hoping to find out I have ancestry somewhere like Ireland, which grants citizenship by descent. But as it turns out, my ancestry is mostly from the UK; which A) does not grant citizenship by descent, B) bans autistic people from immigrating, and C) isn't even a member of the EU anyway.

When I would feel sad that I never started a family, people would always point out to me that I have freedom that other people who are responsible for a family don't. That I could travel the world. Only, as it turns out, traveling costs money I don't have. So I'm too broke to ever take advantage of all this freedom I have so freakin' much of.

So, I ask, what's the point? Why do I continue to bust my back day in and day out when I never have and never will have anything worthwhile to show for it? To use analogy: imagine you're playing a video game. Only this game is not fun at all. It's just a slog that you have to keep grinding through for days, and it never rewards your grind. At what point do you throw down the controller and walk away, vowing to never play this bull**** game again?

I figure my finale will come at some point. When its finally that time to turn out the lights, close the door behind me for the final time, and walk away from the set never to return. The End. Tha..aa..aat's a..a..all, fo..folks...

Maybe that time has finally come.

Sending hugs and compassion.

Thanks for sharing.

I feel for you. Some of it I can relate to.

What are some of the things you like/enjoy with teaching or education?

_________________
Love is all ♪

What would you like to do instead?