Sometimes I want to kill people

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Today, I was in London with my mother, walking along busy Oxford street, stressed...obviously, when a black man came behind and tried to get past but there wasn't room and instead he took an almighty kick at my shopping bag, shocking and scaring the life out of me as it was so aggressive then pushing past. I was so angry, I told my mother I hope he gets stabbed to death and how I want to smash his face in... it left me almost in tears and upset as I had done nothing.

To say it has made me hate most people and mistrust them even more is an understatement.

I find it hard not to meet aggression with aggression.

I know. I find it hard enough to turn the other cheek in real life.

I live in a small town in the South (with a high percent of blacks to) and something like that would be rare here. Accidentally bumping into someone would result in someone saying
"excuses me" or perhaps someone being shot if they
did not say it.

Only this wasn't accidental. I was in his way. He got p**sed off and aimed a hard kick at the bag I was holding at my side to make his point. Had he missed it would have been very painful. I already mistrust anyone walking behind me, I was just shocked at the incident. It wasn't small to me as I have never had that happen before, and fact is, it was busy, I had nowhere I could move to to let this guy past.

lol

I think the difference is you are in a small town. I think in any large city people are more disconnected from others and have less manners. In small towns (away from tourist routes) people still say hello (even to strangers) in the street

Only this wasn't accidental. I was in his way. He got p**sed off and aimed a hard kick at the bag I was holding at my side to make his point. Had he missed it would have been very painful. I already mistrust anyone walking behind me, I was just shocked at the incident. It wasn't small to me as I have never had that happen before, and fact is, it was busy, I had nowhere I could move to to let this guy past.

Go and learn a martial art. People wouldnt mess with you like that then, its a subconcious thing.

I have been looking into learning kickboxing, progressing up to Wushu since it has been something I have been interested in... matter of dragging myself to the classes which are in a less than stellar area of my city.

You should go for it. Even if it is an effort to get to them.

**Bruce makes a lame attempt at making light of his situation**

Graelwyn,

I have somewhat of a deathwish... If there was some sort of miracle that you could tell me who/where he is, I'd make an effort to let him know that's not suitable behavior... Even if it meant my end.

I hope some word on this forum can give you some comfort/ideas.

Peace,
Bruce

Agreed and yeah we still do say hi, even to those we might not know. When traveling a back road in a car and someone is outside, it's also polite to give a wave. It is changing here too, I don't know, it just feels like the mad rush to get nowhere fast is spreading. Doesn't mean I can't and won't say hi and give a little wave, I will till the end.

Get me in a grocery store with bad lighting (never been in one yet with good lighting) and I'm a freakin streak, in'n'out. But I have someplace to go and am in a hurry. They just don't even want me to slow down and get that ol, get away from me you stupid freakin idiot. Walking, talking contradiction, yup, that's me.

Thanks, it is kinda first time I have been really scared of someone in that sense. I am glad I no longer live in London.
I am glad he didn't come and do anything when I swore at him as he passed.

Especially during an adrenalin rush. You were attacked - *of course* you feel like responding in kind. But it would be good if you could come down - can you remember somebody who was kind when they didn't have to be? I remember a woman who put down 54 cents for me at the cash during a Weather Crisis (peace be upon her). Can you find your 'good' stranger somewhere in the memories? Also, at least you didn't run into him tomorrow, when he'll be carrying a weapon. Let him go and take his evil with him. You are too good and too beautiful to let it remain.

That's exactly what I was thinking. . . save that I haven't lived down south for awhile.

It's funny how I would have empathized more with the original post if you hadn't mentioned he was black. . .

People shouldn't do that, though.

One night last winter, I was walking down my street- carrying a stack of library books that hit my chin, with a heavy loaded backpack. I was wearing a trench coat, and there was ice on the sidewalks. This is small town too. . . and this carload of guys does a u-turn and starts following slowly along, hooting and yelling things I don't care to repeat. I was on a street where I knew the inhabitants of at least every other house- my parents had owned the one where I was staying since I was two- and it freaked me out deeply. I was ready to drop everything and run when they finally left me alone. . . and it seems that all they wanted to do was be jerks.

I don't get it at all.

It's so hard to find a balance between a sense of safety and an awareness of reality. . . I swing back and forth. For a long time after that one I was pretty scared.


Strangely, though, it doesn't make me want to kill people.

Maybe I repress that.

It doesn't seem unreasonable, anyway. . . not to want. To do, would be unreasonable.

Um. . . no.

Graelwyn,
I am here for ya' kid, so sorry someone spotted you and did their rudeness to you. I was reading Smelena's posting about bullies. It seems they pick up on some social signal we put out. I know there is no comfort in telling you that it wasn't personal, becase it CERTAINLY WAS! However, NTs get this agressive thing from some sort of signals they get from us and they release their inner bully.

I get it all the time. ..

Merle