Utterly overwhelmed... wishing I were a ghost.

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I just had a meltdown.

I have been very depressed all day - partly because of wildly swinging hormones thanks to my "lady time" - and I was moving some of my stuff from my mom's house to my husband's house. I had to keep from running into walls or tripping on stairs or kicking empty boxes or dropping all of the things I was juggling... and all of a sudden the world just got too aggressive.

It felt like every object around me was being thrown at me. Like falling back into a stack of boxes full of smaller boxes full of marbles and everything goes scattering. I stomped, roared with frustration and pain, kicked things out of my way, and slammed my fists into my temples over and over again.

I've had this happen before, and it's always horrifying.

In general, the experience of corporeality has always felt *wrong* to me, but during these meltdowns, it becomes painful as well as awkward. I feel like I would rather be formless, even if it meant being unable to touch the things I love. Even my skin feels like a heavy burden; breathing is an insufferable chore and the beat of my heart is like some involuntary spasm that's mercilessly distracting.

I've taken my pulse after one of these meltdowns - it was 167. Five minutes later, it was still 120-ish.

There are so many things, so many objects, so many textures and sensations. I just want it all to stop. And the worst part is that these episodes are increasing in frequency and severity - but, I can't explain them to my family because I only recently self-diagnosed. I'm twenty-three years old now and I know that if I tell my mom that my autism is interfering with my ability to function, she'll tell me that I'm being hypochondriac and using it as an excuse, since I managed the first 23 years of my life.

The thing is, the first 23 years have been easy. I've been living at home with my mom, unemployed and not attending school. Now I'm back in school, I've been away from home for the longest time in my whole life, I have to deal with bills and paperwork and appointments.

I'm starting to think I can't do it, but I'm too articulate and good at "acting" independent for anyone to believe me, they'll all think I'm making excuses and being lazy.

I know from personal experience what you are describing.

Read this and look up the citations and then tell your family about what you are going through: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_disorder

My meltdowns are just like that, only I seem to punch every part of my body.

You may want to consider whether you are subject to sensory overload. I am, and I've found "sensory diet" very helpful.

http://www.sensorysmarts.com/diet.html

There's a terrific book -

Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight:
What to Do If You Are Sensory Defensive
in an Overstimulating World

http://tinyurl.com/262q8z

While the cumulative effect of the world can at times become too much for me, I suspect it would be rash for me to assume that I have an accurate idea of what you are going through. At the moment I only seem to suffer from insomnia, endlessly repeated rhythms with variations in my head that start to seem discernible in actual sounds taken in through the ears, and a growing conviction that substantial portions of the disparate facets of my character have given in to distinct and in cases diametrically opposed forms of evil.

I hope you all feel better soon.